He leaps down. And when he gets up from his superhero landing, he shakes his hair, sweeps his gaze across the crowd and flashes his white teeth while they film him.
It’s all I can do to refrain from walking away and letting Hank Junior do his worst.
‘Is this about the million dollars? Did you find the rings?’ He looks as though he’s trying to convince himself. ‘Have you changed your mind about marrying me?’
‘No, nothing like that,’ I say. There’s a disappointed groan from the crowd around us.
Luke looks startled. ‘But you said you had something more?—’
‘Look. Can we go to my room and talk?’
‘HO, HO!’ Luke laughs maniacally, like a pantomime villain, into his camera. ‘The fair maiden wants me to goeth to her chambers!’
This reunion has not gone how he expected, and now he’s acting like a children’s entertainer. I simply don’t have time for it.
I swivel round and march away. ‘Fine!’ I yell. ‘Deal with the hitman on your own then!’
* * *
‘What do you mean someone might be coming to kill me?’ Luke is saying on a loop. His voice has become a high-pitched shriek. ‘I thought you were coming to tell me that you’d changed your mind. That… that… that you want me, not him.’
Infuriating.
‘Why would I change my mind? I’ve told you so many times that we are work colleagues and nothing more.’
It’s like he doesn’t want to acknowledge that Matteo the Magnificent is now my legal husband. We all heard Elvis, clear as day. We are legally wed.
We are back at Ged and Liam’s room for the rendezvous. I decided against my own chambers for obvious reasons. I am hungry. I am tired. I am unbelievably disappointed with how my wedding day has gone so far, and I just want Luke to accept what is happening.
‘Then why would you make a video trying to win me back?’ he says, almost losing it. He is sitting on the sofa and Ged, Liam, Franz and I are all standing around him. ‘And why is this guy naked?’
Matteo has stepped outside to take some calls. Tash and Sister Kevin have disappeared to do some emergency tidying up for when they have to take their turn ‘babysitting’. Liberty is resting her leg, and Cherry is guarding her. Big Mand and Big Sue are making their way back, having abandoned the search for Hank Junior.
I remain calm. ‘I clearly stated that I had some not so great news,’ I repeat through clenched teeth. ‘If you’d answered your phone, then none of this would even be happening right now.’
‘I beg to differ!’ he shrieks. ‘I often put it on silent to calm my mind. All the pinging gets on my nerves. It’s WhatsApp. It’s never-ending.’
‘We’re getting sidetracked,’ I say. ‘The main issue is that we need to keep you hidden until we sort out the, erm, issue.’
‘Issue? ISSUE? You are saying that somewhere inside this hotel is a hitman with a contract out on me, and it’s just an issue!’ His eyes have gone all froggy. ‘What is being done so far? Have you called the police? Interpol? The CIA? The FBI?’
‘The YMCA?’ Ged offers. ‘The RSVP?’ He and Liam have done nothing but sit quietly and stare at Luke while his meltdown unfolds, but they are growing weary.
‘I said someone in this hotel might be trying totake careof you,’ I say resignedly. ‘We don’t know for sure what that means exactly, but until we are, we thought it best to keep you safe.’What’s not to understand? We have been having this same conversation on repeat for an hour.
‘None of us are qualified to deal with this sort of situation but, honestly, we’re all doing well not to freak out,’ Ged says, trying to calm him. ‘Mind, to be fair, we’re not the ones with a killer on the loose. Or the ones who just lost a million dollars. Who pays an opera singer a million dollars to sing at their wedding? Was it Gaga? Was it Kim? Not J-Lo again? That veil covering her face didn’t budge an inch, even when she was whacking her flowers over your head. Was it fixed to the dress?’
How is that helping?
‘And the police?’ frets Luke. ‘I’m calling the police right now. Where’s my phone?’
I had the good sense to remove it earlier when he threatened to ring Princess Anne, King Harald of Norway, and CNN. Given Luke is a royal, and an international celebrity, presumably he’s feared for his safety before now, but we need a bit of time to establish whether this is a real bona fide threat first, so that we don’t get into trouble with the authorities or cause a diplomatic incident – or worse, annoy Nancy by being late for our next performance. ‘Have you done this before?’ I ask him.
‘Done what before?’ Luke flaps his hands about. ‘Feared a crazy assassin is after me? Got mixed up with the wrong crowd of lunatics?’ He raises his eyebrows as he sweeps his gaze to each of us. ‘Unfortunately, that’s something we royals always have vaguely in the back of our minds.’
‘Listen. On the basis that the last place the killer will probably look for the stalker is Connie’s room, I suggest that Luke stays with Connie and Matteo tonight for the first drop-off,’ says Liam.
‘Yes, makes sense,’ agrees Ged.
