“What do you know about love?” Gavin spat.
Thad stepped back, surprised by the vehemence in Gavin’s words. Hurt by what they implied. “What?” he said hoarsely.
“You’ve always been too selfish to?—”
“Selfish?” Thad snarled. “Fuck you. I gave up my fuckinglifefor you. My name and my reputation. My future. I knew I could survive in prison and you—you would’ve fallen apart. I did it tosaveyou. If you don’t think that was love, you really don’t fucking know me at all.”
Gavin went still, his expression stricken.
For a moment, he was so silent Thad could hear the quiet hiss of the gas fueling the firepit.
“What?” Gavin finally spoke, his voice hoarse. “I don’t …”
“What do you mean,what?” Thad said irritably when Gavin didn’t continue. “I confessed to protect you. Because I love you.You’re my brother. I would have doneanythingfor you. I’d have stepped in front of a fucking bullet for you, and I mean what I said earlier. If you don’t know that by now, if you don’t know it came from a place of love, I don’t know what to fucking say anymore.”
The thought that Gavin didn’t understand, couldn’t evenacknowledgeeverything Thad had tried to do for him over the years made his eyes sting and he clenched his trembling hands into fists and looked down at the ground, his chest still heaving.
“I should have realized that.”
“No shit,” Thad spat. He still couldn’t look at his brother.
“At the time, I didn’t think about it. I was too busy feeling scared and angry to think about anything. And I was pissed at you. I neveraskedyou to throw your life away for mine. I never would have.”
Thad lifted his head, his voice raw and strained as he said, “I know. But, Jesus, Gav, you have no idea what it was like to be on the other side of it. To watchyouthrowing your entire fucking life away. You were mybrother. Mybest friend. It hurt me to see you turning into … into some petty fucking criminal.”
His voice broke but he pressed on. “How could I sit there and fucking watch you fall apart? I could see where that path was going to lead. How you’d get hooked on whatever fucking shit Dillon gave you. How the next robbery would be bigger. More violent. Every time you snuck out of the house to go meet up with him, I wondered if you’d ever fucking come back. I wondered if it was the last time I’d see you alive or if Mom and Dad would get called to come identify your body. If I’d have to bury mytwin brother.”
Gavin flinched, his expression turning haunted, but he didn’t say anything.
“And I get it now, okay? What you said about trying to control your life in the only way you knew how. The self-sabotage. Ifucking get it now. But at the time, all I could see was my brother—the one person I loved most in the world—in the path of an oncoming train. I could see how it would end and I couldn’t—I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand there and let you destroy yourself.”
Thad was breathing raggedly now, his cheeks wet.
“I loved you and I wanted to save you. So, if you’re angry at me, fine. If you think punishing me for my relationship with Graham will somehow make us even in some way, fucking go for it. Just don’t take your—your guilt or whatever the fuck this is out on Graham, okay? I’ll take my punishment like a man, but don’t youdaretake this out on him.”
“Thad …” Gavin said weakly.
But Thad kept talking through the tears trickling down his face, unable to stop now. “Graham. He’s … he’s a good person. The best person I know. I didn’t get into this with him to fuck with you. Or to—I don’t know, get mydick wet. It was never like that with him. Not from the very beginning. If you listen to me about one fucking thing, listen to me about this … I love him.”
Thad’s voice cracked again, the emotion coursing through him too much for him to hold back. “He has only ever been good to me. Understood me in ways no one else has. I’m a fuckup, I know, but he’s—he’s done everything he can to make me feel like I can be better. I love him, Gav.”
Thad wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands. “Fire me if you have to. But don’t—don’t take it out on him.Please. Don’t take your anger at me out onhim. He doesn’t deserve it.”
For the longest time they stood there, staring at each other.
Thad’s heart pounded as he wondered which way this would go. If this was the final breaking point for their relationship. He’d thought things were getting better. That even if they couldn’t fix all the damage done over the years, they could build something new.
All he’d ever wanted was his brother back, and in one night, one stupid fucking night, he might lose him and Graham both.
“You’re not bullshitting me,” Gavin finally said, a note of wonder in his voice. “You really do love him, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.” Thad stared him in the eye, willing him to understand.
“Oh fuck, I got this all wrong, didn’t I?”
Thad shrugged because he’d long ago given up on trying to understand what his brother was doing. And that point was echoed when Gavin stepped forward.
Thad flinched, expecting a hit. Or at least a shove. Instead, Gavin yanked Thad in and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close.
