Everything has definitely changed. And I’m not sure I can go back.
Chapter 23
Luca
Icancountonone hand the number of times in the last two years I’ve actuallywantedsex, and all of them have been in this past week. With Austin.
I can barely even eat. Instead, I keep finding myself watching him. If you had asked me six months ago if the sight of someone’s Adam’s apple bobbing with each swallow of their food would turn me on, I would have laughed. I would have asked what was attractive about that.
Now? I’m not laughing. Because as it turns out? Everything. Everything is attractive about it.
My stomach clenches with want when Austin swallows again.Ungh. This is so ridiculous. “You don’tlike it?”
I drag my eyes up to find Austin staring at me. “I do. Yeah, it’s good.”
“It’s more than good,” Austin says with a grin. “It’s fucking delicious.”
I can’t help but smile. The dark cloud hanging over him seems to have lifted, and that, more than anything else, makes me happy. It’s different from how it was with Damien. When he had a dark cloud hanging overhim,I overcompensated, toed the line to stay safe—not that it ever actually helped—and went out of my way to make him happy.
It wasn’t even that I wanted to. I just felt like Ihadto. It was the only way for me to survive. With Austin, it’s different. Iwantto make him feel better. I want to take care of him. It’s not survival; it’s desire.
“What are you thinking about over there?” Austin asks, and I realize I’ve zoned out again.
“Nothing.” I smile, then take a bite of my food. It really is pretty good. The chicken is just a smidge overcooked, but it’s worth it for the detour we had in the kitchen. A detour I’d very much like to get back on.
Austin shifts in his seat, jostling my feet, which are still draped across his lap. “Did you have a good day? I know it got a little crazy there at the end of my shift, and I couldn’t talk for a while.”
“Yeah, it was fine. I’m excited to get back to work, though. Especially since I need to make my car payment next month.”
Austin hums, taking another bite. “I can pay it if you need me to.”
That defeats the purpose. It’s bad enough that I live here, that he buys my food, and that he pays for all the utilities. I can’t be indebted to him like I was with Damien. I can’t rely on him to paymy way and take care of me financially. “No. That’s okay. I can do it myself.”
“Okay.” I watch him for any sign that he’s upset, but I find none. He simply flashes me a bright smile, then leans forward to set his bowl on the coffee table.
He clasps my foot between his hands, then starts massaging it. “What are you doing?”
“Giving you a foot rub?”
I close my eyes, trying to fight a smile. “Yeah, I know, but why?”
He’s quiet for so long that I open my eyes to look at him. He’s watching me with a serious expression. “Because I enjoy it. Do you want me to stop?”
He removes his hands. Wow. I think I just had an epiphany. “This is one of those times when I’m looking at you doing something nice and seeing a trap, isn’t it?”
Austin cocks his head. “I can’t answer that for you, baby.”
“No. No, I know.”
“But what Icantell you is that I’m enjoying this.” He picks my foot back up, then uses his thumbs to press into the arch. “I enjoy touching you. I enjoy making you feel good. There’s no ulterior motive.”
He’s telling the truth. It’s easy to see. His warm brown eyes are sincere, brimming with the truth of his words. It’s so simple for him. He wants to touch me. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
He doesn’t want to hurt me or manipulate me. He never has. I’m still so goddamn afraid, though. I hate being afraid. And I especially hate being afraid of my feelings for Austin. Damien has ruined so much for me. My trust in myself and my trust in others.
I won’t let him ruin this. Not tonight. Not with Austin.
I pull my foot slowly from Austin’s hand. His face is impassive,but his eyes are still soft and genuine. So, I sit up fully and climb right into his lap, straddling his thighs.
