I’m still gonna be here for him. I’m still gonna support him and take care of him and keep him safe. It might destroy me on the inside to hold him like this and have him in my bed at night andit never become more, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take—a burden I’m willing to bear if I have to.
“What am I?” he whispers, fear clouding his eyes. “To you. What am I to you?”
I’m not sure what answer he wants, but I decide to go with honesty. “I don’t know, Luc.” His face falls, eyes dimming. “Hey,” I murmur, cupping his face, and waiting to continue until his eyes find mine. “That’s not a bad thing.”
“What is it then?”
Good fucking question. “Anewthing, I think.”
He stares at me in confusion, but when I brush a thumb over his bottom lip, his eyes fall shut and he leans into my touch. “We’ve known each other so long, Luc, and I don’t know. Things just feel different. Do they feel different for you?”
He nods slowly, opening his eyes again.
He really does have the most beautiful eyes. My heartbeat quickens as I stare at him in silence. “I don’t know what this is, Luc, but I just want you to be happy and healed. That’s enough for me.”
“What if it’s not enough for me?”
“What do you mean?” I ask quietly, tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear.
God, I can’t get enough of touching him. It’s never been this way before. Not for me. Not like this. It’s not even sexual. I just want him to experience soft hands, and I want him to experience them with me.
His throat bobs. “What if I don’t want to just be happy and healed, but instead happy and healed with you?”
“Knight in shining armor shit? Carrying you off into the sunset?” His cheeks flush pink, and he jerks from my hold, standing up abruptly. “Hey, wait. What’s wrong?”
I love that he feels safe enough with me to glare at me, although I wish he weren’t actually glaring at me.
“I’m not some disillusioned idiot. What? You think I just latched onto you because you’re safe and because I’m too—” His voice cuts off as he glances around. “Too fucking starved for affection or something?”
Honestly, I have been worried about that. Not quite in that way, of course, but still. The broad strokes. “I think you went through something traumatic, Luca. And I think I represent safety to you. And I want tobethat safety. Not something else you have to fear.”
He scoffs. “Some fucking God complex you’ve got yourself there.”
How did we end up here? What wrong turn did I take?
“No,” I say slowly. “That’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it?” This time there’s no anger burning low in his tone, just confusion and hurt. Hurt that I’ve somehow caused.
“Do you feel safe with me?” I ask instead of answering his question right away.
“Of course I do. Stupid fucking question.”
I chuckle but shut up quickly when he glares at me again. “I’m sorry.” I hold my hands up in supplication. “I didn’t mean anything bad by it, Luc.” I sigh, patting my thigh. “Please come back.”
“What did you mean by it, then?” Luca eyes me warily, not budging or moving closer to me at all. Damn, I really fucked this one up.
I sigh. “Aren’t you worried this,” I say, waving my hand between us, “could get messy?”
Luca’s eyebrows pull together. “We fucked around as teens, and it was fine.”
Ouch. “I think that’s the problem. The feelings I have? The wayI want to touch you and take care of you and be with you? Not ‘fucking around.’ Not for me. I’d just as soon never touch you again than have my very real feelings reduced to ‘fucking around.’”
The words are barely out of my mouth before Luca is sliding back into my lap. “It wouldn’t be fucking around to me, either,” he confesses softly. “I’m afraid.”
Well, that makes two of us. “What are you afraid of?”
“That I won’t be able to enjoy it. That I won’ttrustit.”
