Faith:
I’m home. I’ll see you then.
Not knowing what else to say, I can’t believe I’m in this situation, and I don’t know if I should even go on this date. For now, I put my phone down and shove my face back in my pillow and scream.
As I think back, I realize I was scared. I’m still scared, but I still spoke my truth. To feel comfortable enough to share my darkest truths about how I’m feeling about us is a testament to what’s transpired this week with him. Is there even anus? I said I needed to think but now regret seeps into my body. At the time, I guarded my heart, not wanting to get hurt. There’s so many details that need to be sorted. Jude’s presence imprints itself on me, and I miss our connection whenever he was near me. Thecracks in my heart were healing, and now they are weeping, threatening to tear open at any moment.
The wedding is today, and now I’m caught in a whirlwind of thoughts.
When is he going back to Colorado?
I got so swept up in our conversations that I forgot to ask. Would things change if he lived nearby? Perhaps. It would certainly remove one hurdle from this complicated relationship. However, would it truly simplify matters? It’s hard enough to date someone here, imagine how much harder it is when they’re across the country. I’m torn between the possibilities of what we could be and the realities of life.
My phone rings. Who is calling me this early? I groan and glance at my phone. It’s Kendall.
“Are you awake?”
“Barely.”
“I’m at your door. I didn’t want to barge in, but here I come…with your favorite coffee.”
I could use a friend right now. We only chatted briefly at the airport. I spent most of the time on the flight and the ride home in my own thoughts trying to figure things out.
“Large hot mocha latte delivery,” she sing-songs as she enters my room.
“You’re the best,” I say as I hug her tight.
She sits down on the bed and hands me the latte. The look of compassion spreads across her face, and she leans in and nudges me. “You are going to get through this.”
“Am I?” I say, my doubts swirling.
She takes a sip of her coffee and says, “Yes. I’m here. I know you have your reasons for telling Jude you didn’t think your life’s pieces fit together and you needed time and space. But I want to share something with you that you may not be aware of—or you’re choosing to ignore in favor of worrying and doubtingyourself.” She leans in closer. “We have never seen you truly happy. Want to know how we know this?”
Oh boy, the one person in my life that tells me like it is…She’s about to give it to me straight. “Why?” I say, reluctantly.
“The last few days, you’ve been the happiest we’ve ever seen you. The expression in your eyes, the smile on your face, and your overall being when you are with him or talking about him. It’s magical to watch the two of you.”
Tears roll down my cheeks as her words pierce me straight through my heart, and it feels like I’m bleeding out. She lets her words sink in before continuing.
“You have these rules set in your head about how things are supposed to be. They’ve protected you for years—until now. This is a second chance, Faith. You have a second chance with Jude. I know it’s scary, and frankly, I don’t have a Magic 8 Ball to tell you everything is going to be exactly how you imagine it. But what I can tell you is…this might feel like a massive risk. Risk of being hurt. Risk of having everything come crashing down. I’m sure it feels like a boulder you are carrying around, and that you’re risking him leaving you again.”
She makes perfect sense.
“Is it time to put aside the worry and doubts in favor of your second chance for a happily ever after? After all this time spent pining after Jude, could you live with yourself if you gave up and never gave it a chance?”
Those are some profound words from my best friend. I’m stuck in the weeds, and she’s over here pulling me out. On the bed, she shifts, her gaze fixed on me expectantly as she waits for my reply.
“I doubt it. But Kendall, he lives in Colorado, travels for work, and wants kids. How do I know he won’t leave me again? How do we make all this work? We lived in a bubble for a fewdays, and it was amazing. When you add in our real lives, it becomes a cluster of things that don’t fit.”
“Girl, it’s a lot. I could go on and on about putting in all your efforts and reaping the benefits, but you already know this. You are asking the wrong person the right question.” She gives me a pointed look. “In protecting yourself, you shut him out and ran away. Consider my words, envision it all, including you and Jude living your happily ever after.”
We spend the next few minutes sipping our coffee in silence as I think about all the things that could keep us apart, all the things that could happen, and realize I have no control over anything he does. All I can control is myself and how I’m going to move forward. If I don’t work through my feelings of worry and doubt, I know they will continue to fester and become menaces in my life. My priority is working through the scenarios. Kendall said a lot, but what stood out the most is…I need to have a conversation with Jude about how he sees things working out. I also need to take some time to envision what our lives could look like if all goes well.
Warmth spreads through my body as pictures of us flash through my mind. Although we have hope, the challenge lies in working out the details. Then a thought interrupts my happy place.
“I still have my date with Kai tomorrow night.”
Maybe a part of me wants the distraction from Jude. Kai seems like a great guy, and we’ve only texted each other. He’s down to earth and not pushy—at least via text. Sounds refreshing, doesn’t it?
