“Where did you go?” he asks, stroking my face.
I have to shake myself out of all the dreadful memories that flood my head. “Jude…” We should end this now before it goes too far. “I don’t know if I can have children.”
He looks at me with his eyes wide and says, “What do you mean you don’t know if you can have children?”
“I was told it was one possibility after the abortion. It’s stuck with me all these years. I might not be able to have my own children. It was a risk of the procedure.” Sadness takes over my body as I close my eyes, begging myself not to cry.
“But you don’t know for sure.” He moves closer to me and wraps his arms tighter around me like a cocoon of comfort. He strokes my hair before leaning in to kiss my lips ever so gently.
No, I don’t know for sure, but if I can’t, then is it a deal breaker for him? Just like Sam walked away from me, he could walk away too. In retrospect, the relationship with Sam was doomed from the start. I couldn’t have given him my whole heart.
“It scares me that it matters to you,” I say, opening up about my deepest concern and worry. Being in his arms gives me the courage to say what’s on my mind.
“I love you, and we’ll figure it out together.”
“How would this work, Jude? You live in Colorado. I can’t have a long-distance relationship,” I admit as my body tenses up, not knowing where this conversation is going.
“I already told you I’m moving, so that is a moot point. I’m all in for you, sweetheart.”
A laugh escapes me. “It’s all moving so fast. You’d uproot your entire life in Colorado to see if things work out?” I scoff at such a preposterous idea.
“I’ve been thinking about it these past couple of years to be closer to my family, especially when Maya was born.”
It’s clear he hasn’t moved for a reason. His niece was born almost two years ago. If that was really the reason, then he would have moved already.
“So then why haven’t you?” I question.
He runs his hand through his hair and sighs loudly. “I’ve gone back and forth about moving home. The reason I haven’t moved back home is…” He looks away from me, turns back and says, “You, it’s really because of you.”
I don’t need a mirror to know the shock is written all over my face. “Me, why me? I don’t understand.”
He strokes his lips on my cheek and kisses me, like he needs a moment to answer. My hand instinctively slides through his silky locks and lands on the back of his head. This man could be my everything. Why do I feel like I’m sabotaging this?
I’m playing it safe. The logistics aren’t falling into place like I think they should.
“I couldn’t handle being back home for good while knowing you would be only miles away. My heart couldn’t take seeing you at the grocery store or the movie theater with someone else. Well, that’s what I thought about for years, and I couldn’t put myself through it. The easy way out was to stay in Colorado and only visit my family every now and then.”
When I take a second to think about it, it makes sense. It would be torture seeing him around town with another woman on his arm.
“And now you want to move back home for me?”
“I will do anything for you, sweetheart.”
There’s a long stretch of silence—you could hear a pin drop. I say, “I don’t think we’re going to resolve all of this tonight. I’m holding you until it’s time for you to leave. Can you rest your mind and just be with me during these last few hours we have together?”
“I’ll try,” I say as I snuggle into him.
THIRTY-SIX
JUDE
Without another word, she rests her head on my chest and takes a deep breath. This conversation turned heavy really quickly. It’s tugging on my heart. I know the uncertainty of the future bothers her, and it may not look the way we want it to, but I’m not letting her slip through my fingers. I’ll give my last breath to be with her. As my thoughts consume me, my eyes are heavy and finally close.
The alarm is chiming throughout the room. It took me a few seconds to get my bearings. My eyes flicker open, I and realize I’m in Faith’s room and she slept on me the whole night. I want a life with her—one where she wakes up in my arms every single day. She stretches her legs and lifts her head to meet my gaze.
“Good morning,” she says with sleepy eyes and a smirk on her face.
At least she isn’t regretting her decision to let me hold her all night. My heart bursts in my chest, and I kiss her on the cheek.
