Klara takes my forearm and guides me away. “Why don’t you go for that walk? We’ll catch up later. Maybe some fresh air and salty sea on your skin will help you figure out what you’re going to do. I know she’s the one for you. I’ve been around long enough to come to that conclusion. You talk about her more often than you probably realize.”
Klara is caring and kind. I’m thankful to call her a friend. She is direct, and there’s no bullshit coming from her. She tells me the truth even when I don’t want to hear it. That’s just who she is. She and Max are a great couple. I envy their love and relationship.
“I’m going to head down to the beach. Catch up with you and Max in a few,” I tell them as we leave.
I snag some water bottles before I walk out the door and follow the path down to the beach. Once my feet hit the sand, I feel instant relief. The water is rhythmic as the small waves crash into the sand. It’s time to have those waves on me. They are much calmer than the ones Faith and I used to body surf at our favorite beach in the North Shore. My muscles are so tense. I’m hoping this will help me sort through this mess I’ve walked into. I take advantage of the warm ocean water and trudge in to swim for a while to clear my head.
I’ve been given the perfect opportunity to talk with her.
Am I going to chicken out again and not try?
Everything is different with her. When I was younger, I made numerous mistakes that I deeply regret and wish I could take back. It was clear she never wanted to talk to me again when my last text to her resulted in aninvalid numbermessage. She had changed her number.
Can I blame her for doing that? Nope. Not at all. I was such an ass. I let peer pressure get the best of me and with the looming long-distance relationship, it was the best decision at the time. But looking back, it still feels like the worst decision of my life! Thinking about this makes my head hurt, making everything hurt. If I’m being honest with myself, my heart is being squeezed when I see her and can’t pull her aside and talk with her.
How are you going to make this right?
THIRTEEN
FAITH
My mouth drops open, and I shake my head as I try to make the connection. Klara is not his fiancée. I don’t think I'm keeping the shock off my face because Lane, sitting across from me, gives my leg a nudge under the table. I shake it off. As Jude walks away, he gives me a concerned look but continues to leave.
Words stumble out of my mouth as I mumble, “He isn’t getting married?”
They look at me, waiting for more to come, but I’m deep in my thoughts. He isn’t getting married, and it doesn’t compute in my brain. There’s a malfunction. Everything so far this week has been wrapped around this idea that Jude moved on and was getting married. But in fact, he is single; well, I guess there I go assuming again, but I’ve only seen him with Klara this whole time.
Kendall whispers to us, “I can’t believe we thought they were getting married.”
“How are you feeling about that?” Lane asks with sincerity in her eyes.
The questions from years ago come creeping back in.
Did he ever miss me?
Why didn’t he contact me?
It hurt then, and it hurts to think about it now. This is exactly why I need to keep these walls up to protect myself. Loving him was the best thing that happened to me. A tear threatens to escape. Ugh. He broke up with me and left me. My mind always goes back to that.
“I think I keep my avoidance plan in place, but with this news, I’ll have plenty to think about while I’m off snorkeling.” I whip my head around and stare at Kendall. “Why did you agree to go on the dinner cruise?”
“Because I knew you wanted to say yes. You’re just scared.”
I don’t want to admit it. Spending time with Jude is scary. It takes my breath away and makes me all warm and prickly when I even think about being near him. Yes, I am scared. Scared to step out. Scared to open that part of me that has been closed off for so long. More reasons to keep that wall up. This girl isn’t getting close enough to find out. Giving the ring back when he broke up with me doesn’t stop me from thinking about him…all the time. For years.
I’ll have a good reason to not go on the sunset cruise. I’ll just wait until the last minute and then tell the girls something came up. I’m trying to believe what I’m telling myself, my chest constricts, and I doubt I can get myself out of this.
“Ok, so maybe I am scared. Hurting all over again doesn’t sound like my cup of tea.” I take a sip of my coffee.
“I get it, I really do. Why don’t you go on your snorkeling adventure and forget about all of this. Spend time with the fish in the water, relax, and if you really don’t want to go, then we don’t go,” Kendall says with sympathy in her tone.
I rest my hand over my heart and exhale, “Thank you. That makes me feel better.”
She goes on, “This could be a good thing though, you can spend some time with us and possibly him. Come on!” She’s practically begging me. She sees the world as the glass is half full.I'm more of a realist, and this is a terrible idea. I don’t want to be in close proximity with the guy who broke me and then didn't care enough to check in with me. It’s all too much for me to think about right now.
I massage my temples to release some of this tension in my overactive brain. “I’m excited for you, Kendall. It’s the perfect connection while we are here. She will be able to give you the scoop on all things this resort has for your wedding.”
Kendall is excited for her wedding planning, and this is perfect for her to have someone that knows the ins and outs of a resort wedding. Klara seemed so genuine in helping even with her wedding days away.
