Only His Beautiful Lie
Hayvin
Ittookmethreeyears to see my own foolishness. Three years spent loving a man so deeply that I ignored obvious signs. If I had paid attention, I would have seen his heart was never mine.
I sit up in bed and watch Alek pace, occasionally squeezing the back of his neck while listening to David on the phone. His eyes flick to me, then dart away, making my stomach churn.
"They broke up?" he asks. His tone makes me sit straighter and clutch the blanket tighter, as if it could shield me from the negativity I sense.
Of course, it's about Jerica.
It's always her.
When I first met Alek, I thought the one I'd be competing with was Charlie. It wasn't until I met her a few times that I realized that wasn't the case. She and Alek share a really deep bond, one he's been completely open and honest about with me. They love each other, but not in a way that ever threatened me. Howcould their love and friendship ever make me feel that way when Alek made me feel like the only one he sees? It also helped that Charlie was completely in love with Keaton.
I didn't really start catching on to the whole Jerica thing until around the beginning of our second year together. We were all at a cookout that Charlie and Keaton were hosting at their new place. It was rare for Alek to have me around his friends. Why didn’t I question that? Did they even know we were together? Or was I convincing myself we were more serious than he ever let on?
We'd only been at Charlie and Keaton's for about an hour when David Baladucci, Alek's best friend, came knocking, bringing along his sister Jerica and her long-term boyfriend Reggie. It was only the second time I'd ever met her, but I'd heard about her plenty, considering who her brother is to my boyfriend.
The change in Alek the moment Jerica entered was instantaneous, and now I realize how deeply that impacted me. An ache settled in my chest as he started to distance himself—his smiles grew strained, his hugs went slack. The rest of the night, I felt invisible beside him, painfully aware of the gap opening between us. Yet when we got to his place, need and frustration spilled over. We were both tipsy, and as soon as the door closed, we crashed into each other—angry, desperate, craving connection. Every kiss and touch was laced with everything I was afraid to say: anger, longing, confusion, love, and denial. It was a battle to prove I mattered to him, even if just for that night.
Looking back, I think I was fighting to be seen, while he fought not to see her.
Afterward, all I remember is suddenly sobering up and wanting a shower. The encounter just left me feeling dirty.
Things returned to normal after that because Jerica went home to Reggie, and because I kept sweeping my discomfort under the rug.
God, I've been so fucking stupid.
Jerica is out of sight, so I pretend she’s out of mind for both of us. But if David and Alek talk about her so much, can I keep fooling myself? I force myself to ignore it, but it’s always there.
I shake my head, a silent laugh at myself for being so naive. When did I become a doormat? Did loving him make me forget I once had boundaries?
About six months after the cookout, Alek asked me to move in with him. We were doing well. We were in a much better place than that night. So good, in fact, that I was sure my mind had just gotten carried away with me that day, and I was only seeing things.
These last six months of living together have been beyond anything I could imagine, but there's always something missing.
Something that's always just out of reach.
If you had asked me yesterday, I would have told you that my future was clear. It was Alek and I, wherever our lives took us together. But now, when I think of my future, all I see is an empty void, and that's something that's never happened before.
"She's moving back to Granite Bay?"
My throat tightens at the hopeful note in his voice, and it's at that moment that I know.
It's never been me.
I've just been the fill-in until the one he truly wanted to be with became available. For three years, I've been nothing more than Alek's beautiful lie.
A bitter laugh breaks from my chest and grabs Alek's attention. His brows furrow as he stares at me with worry. I just keep laughing at the joke my life has suddenly become and wave at him dismissively to carry on his conversation.
My laughter dissolves into silence, and my eyes fill with tears as he resumes his pacing.
"When are you leaving to help her?" He nods at whatever David says, shooting me a glance. "Yeah, that should be okay." His brows draw together, and he turns toward me. "I'll let her know, but why would Hayvin mind?"
My lungs stop working as I stare at his blurry form. It's crazy how words that are normally so simple somehow can claw their way into my soul and latch on, digging deep and leaving vicious gouges behind when they're removed.
How sad is it that his best friend was concerned enough about me, but my boyfriend of three years wasn't? There was never a thought in his mind that I would ever have a reason to have a problem with him doing this. Like what happened a year ago never happened.
