“I know it’s not some special reason, Charlie,” I say quietly. “I don’t blame you for not understanding or believing it. Not when I’m still struggling to accept it, too. I’m not blaming her, not fully, because, at the end of the day, I’m the one who was weak and allowed her to get inside my head, making it easy to turn things in her favor. I began to doubt us whenever I was around Rianna because she was good at picking apart my insecurities and whispering them in my ear. If I’d have listened to my heart, maybe I would have been able to catch how much I was fucking up sooner.”
“Why wouldn’t you listen to anyone else, Keaton? So many people tried telling you. We tried getting you to see, but you never wanted to listen. It’s like you were in denial about it all. You made it seem like we were all lying when I’ve never lied to you in our lives.”
Seeing that pain in her eyes is the punishment I deserve. I used to fight anyone who made her look like that, but how do you fight yourself, the one person she trusted not to hurt her?
And I fucking failed us.
“Are you okay doing this now?” I ask softly, concerned about where this will put her.
Charlie blows out a sorrowful breath. “No, but honestly, I doubt there’s ever going to be a time when I am.”
"Fair enough." I sip my coffee, searching for words. "I wish I could give you a clear answer about why I didn’t listen. Maybe I just didn’t want to. I couldn’t face the idea that I was risking us. Rianna’s attention felt good when I was with her. It was only when I was away that I’d snap out of the fog, but then the cycle would start all over again."
I glance up, watching her closely. If this gets to be too much, I’ll stop. Tears slip down her cheeks, but she nods, giving me silent permission to go on.
“I didn’t realize I had any insecurities until I started seeing Lionel. When we were digging deep and trying to understand why I did what I did—”
“Why you cheated,” she says in a stony voice. “Saying it correctly keeps you accountable, Keaton.”
“You’re right,” I admit, nodding. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to downplay it.”
“I know. Just…stop trying to protect me and tell me.”
I let out a heavy breath and drop my gaze. "When we started digging into why I cheated, all these old pressures surfaced. I always felt like I had to be perfect. Mom had a rough pregnancy with me, and after that, she couldn’t have more kids. Even though it wasn’t my fault, I felt like I had to make up for it. Like I owed her something. I’d overhear her and Dad talking about it, and the guilt just stuck."
“Why didn’t you ever tell me this?” she asks quietly, the hurt in her voice strangling me.
"Because I never told anyone, Char. Not even myself. It makes me feel like a terrible son to admit it, since Mom and Dad have always been great. They never pressured me or made me feel at fault. Lionel says it’s just a weight I put on myself."
“What else was working through your head?”
I let out a sad, bitter laugh. “Fucking everything. Once I started letting Rianna fuck with it, all kinds of shit started popping offup there. I was worried we wouldn't last, because childhood sweethearts rarely do. They grow up and grow apart as they become who they'll be. When I started thinking about that, fear would grab me because I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. It’s like this huge cycle, and I couldn’t find my way out. Then I felt you pulling away because of Rianna, which terrified me even more.”
“But not enough to walk away from her.”
I press my palms to my eyes, trying to rub away the sting of unshed tears.
“No,” I admit, through the thickness in my throat.
Charlie’s fingers wrap gently around my wrist, sending a jolt through me. She pulls my hands from my face, leaving me no choice but to meet her eyes.
Despite the sorrow in her eyes, she manages a shaky smile. "Thank you for being honest."
“It’s all you’ll ever get from me now,” I reply gruffly.
“I’m going to be honest now,” she says, and I brace myself, terrified of what she will say. “I don’t know if this is something we can get past, Keaton. You finally admitted that there was a time in our relationship when I wasn’t enough, and I don’t know how to get past that. I always think I'm healing, then things happen that let me know I'm really not.”
“Charlie, please listen to me. If you hear nothing else, please hear this. If there was anyone who was never enough in our relationship, it was me. None of this is on you. You are and always have been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. You’re this beautiful, bright ball of life. Of love. You’ve always lit my world up. You were always enough for me, Charlie. I was just not worthy of the love you had for me. Should you determine that forgiveness or reconciliation is impossible, I’ll respect your decision and refrain from begging you. We both have to want that if there’s any chance of it succeeding. Sincewe’re being honest, I’ll tell you that’s what I want. I’m hoping you’ll bless me with that someday.” I take a chance and reach across the table, brushing a loose piece of lavender hair away from her eye. “But, Butterfly, I want your happiness more than anything. Even if it’s not with me. So, if there’s ever a time when you want to walk away, where you want to put me behind you forever, don’t ever feel bad for telling me that. You hear me?”
She sniffles, wiping the tears from her cheeks with her hand. “I hear you.”
Silence settles between us as we lean back, spent. The conversation has wrung us out, but a fragile peace lingers in the air.
For now.
I don’t know what comes next, but for the first time since I broke everything, I feel a flicker of hope.
New Friends and Old Lovers
