Alek probably spent a good two hours giving me head just so he could know everything I liked. Every flick of his tongue, every kiss to my little nub, every nibble. He didn't stop until he wrung me dry and was begging him. And after that, he never raced to get me there just because he already knew how.
It hit me hard. I’d been missing that slow-burn intimacy with Keaton for ages. I missed the way we’d linger, hungry for each other, pushing to the edge again and again before finally giving in to that dizzying, perfect release.
Somewhere along the way, I think it quit being spontaneous and fun. It's always been loving, even after Rianna came into the picture. That part of it never changed, at least. The closeness, the thrill, the wild cravings...they all disappeared. At least on his end. It became about us having an orgasm, and that was it.
Maybe that's when I gave up the fight, because I think if I dug into it, I'd have to admit it started happening not long after Rianna reappeared.
I don't doubt that when we were together, he was all about me. When I doubted him in other areas of our relationship, I never once doubted that I at least had his entire focus in our intimate moments.
If only they lasted longer and were what they used to be.
My eyes water as my heart twists in my chest.
It pisses me off that I still love that infuriating asshole enough for it to ache this much.
Alek and Amelia help. They've shown me over the last six months what it's like to live my life as just Charlie and not as Charlie and Keaton.
My therapist, Rebecca, said that it's sort of like learning to walk all over again. Because I've basically been with Keaton my whole life, along the way, I've unconsciously picked up things he liked or enjoyed and made them my favorite.
I didn't want to believe her. There's no way. There's no fucking way that I, Charlie Henderson, was that fucking codependent on him. But then she gave me homework. Do something I've always done with Keaton, and then do something I've always wanted to do but never have.
I learned really quickly that I hated playing basketball.
And eating sushi.
And fucking country music.
But skydiving? I freaking loved it, all thanks to Alek and Amelia dragging me along on their wild, thrill-seeking adventures.
I love funnel cakes, which now makes me reconsider my choice of guys on that principle alone, since Keaton hates them.
And, for the love of all things holy, give me old-school rap, hip-hop, or anything with a retro beat any day.
When I explained my shock to Rebecca, she laughed gently and said It's not so much codependency as it is simply loving someone so much you actually find joy in the things they do. When he betrayed me, it made all those things turn bitter, so it was easier for my hate of them to come out.
"Okay. Okay. I got it. Cuntzilla," Amelia yells, yanking me from my thoughts.
"Dude, you've lost your shit. Pussy is fine. Plain ol' pussy."
Mel sighs sorrowfully. "How boring."
I zip up the bag and then look over at her with a wicked smile. "How about cum craver?"
She looks at me and wobbles her lip. I narrow my eyes when she squints hers to make them water. "Are you fixing to be dramatic again?"
"I'm just so proud of my girl. So proud," she declares, wiping a nonexistent tear from her eye. "I'm teaching her well."
Rolling my eyes, I grab my bag and walk it to the door. "Remind me why we're friends again?"
Amelia wraps her arms around me from behind, and the moment turns serious. "Because I'm the dark to your light and you're the sunshine to my storms. Platonic soulmates, babycakes." She kisses my cheek and then steps away. When I turn around to face her, she's leaning back against our couch with her arms folded over her chest. "Are you ready for this, Char? I know I was giving you shit, but if you don't think you're ready, then don't do it. I don't want you forcing somethingbecause you think it's what you have to do or because you want to get back at that stupid ass toxic cock motherfucker. I want you to do it because Alek makes your body burn. I want you to do it because you're truly ready to move on. I want you to do it for you."
With a sigh, I walk over and take up a spot beside her. "Am I ready? I don't know. I feel like I might be. I know I want to try. This is the last thing I feel that is holding me back from completely moving on. Until Keaton cheated on me, I never pictured myself having sex with anyone else. I never wanted to. But things changed when he did that. I changed. I love him. It's not a secret, and we all know it probably isn't going to ever go away, but I'm ready to move on and try to find peace outside of him. Will I ever risk my heart again? I don't know. Alek is safe, and he knows that. We've had plenty of conversations about it. We care about each other, but not in a way that would have anything meaningful outside of the bedroom and our friendship. Truthfully, I think we're both too emotionally unavailable and have no plans to change it."
"What are you going to do when Keaton comes around wanting another chance, Charlie? We both know he's going to. As much as I fucking despise the dick head right now, he's tenacious, and as crazy as it is, he loves you. He's giving you space and working to heal himself before he comes for you, but that boy ain't done, and you know it."
I swallow hard and squeeze my hands into fists when they shake. "I know he won't, but we also know that I'm a stubborn bitch.If, and that's a huge fucking if, I even think about considering an attempt at reconciling with him, then we're on my damn timeline, and he better realize that really quickly. If he can't, then he can just stay the fuck out of my life. Right now, I'm not ready to even consider that option. There's too much shit I'm working out with Rebecca and myself, and I'm just...not sure it'ssomething I'll even do. The thought of being with him right now after he's been inside Rianna makes me physically sick. That's something I don't know how to get over. Maybe it's because I still have so many unanswered questions. Questions I'm not sure I'm ready to have the answer to."
"You can't expect to heal if there's still shit you're holding on to, even if it's just questions. You're either gonna have to be my brave little bitch and demand your answers, or accept that you're never going to have them and let it be. Either way, I'm right here at your side. If you need them and you want me there holding your hand, well, babycakes, I'm your new fucking girlfriend and I'll be all up on that shit when we're with him. If you don't need them, then I'm going to do the same thing except maybe not with the all up on you shit."
