"Yeah, well, pardon me if I don't believe you. You have to have some feelings for her, Keaton, because you wouldn't have fucked her without a condom otherwise."
I pace in front of him, my bare feet smacking the ground. "How could you do this? How could you throw us away? How could you throwmeaway?" I halt, glaring down at him. "Not once did I ever consider betraying you with any of my guy friends.Never. You started disrespecting me the moment she entered your life. The very first day you met her, you were late meeting me for lunch. Why didn’t I see the signs? Can’t you see you’ve basically had a whole relationship with her?"
He jumps to his feet, his lying eyes pleading with me. "No, I didn't. I swear. It was only ever friendship, Char."
"Open your fucking eyes, Keaton! You two were together constantly. You confided in her, and you all had lunch together. You were giving her everything I get. You didn't respect me when I had an issue with her the first time. When I told you I thought she had feelings for you, you told me I was fucking imagining things! God. Did you ever stop hanging out and talking with her when you said you did, or was that just another damn ruse to pull over me?"
"It was the truth, baby. I wasn't hanging out or talking to her anymore."
For once, I hear the damn truth in his voice. "Then why did you go back to being friends with her? You knew how I felt about her. Why the fuck didn't I matter then, Keaton? I should have been put first. I was in your life for sixteen goddamn years. She was only in it for a little over a year. So, why didn't you put me first?"
Fucking useless tears.
I slash them away with the back of my hand. "Why did you start your friendship back with her?"
Keaton closes his eyes and rubs the middle of his forehead before looking back at me. "She said she didn't have feelings for me that day she came to the apartment and was crying."
"And of course, you fell for a shitty sob story," I bite out. "God. Just fucking admit already, Keaton. You found her attractive, she had feelings for you, you ended up having feelings for her, and I was shoved out of the picture. Why did you keep having sex with me? Why did you keep telling me you love me? Kissing me good morning and good night? Why do it all if you wanted to be with her?"
"Because I love you, Charlie.You. Not her. I've never loved her."
I notice how he conveniently skips the rest of what I said. "Then why did you do it?" I shout.
"I don't fucking know!" he screams, grabbing fistfuls of his hair and pulling. His shoulders drop, and so does his tone. "I don't know."
"Then your issues are a lot bigger than you having sex with her, Keaton." My voice is weary, and I yank my fingers through my hair. "You've got a lot of soul-searching to do because, until you figure that question out, this will never heal. It'll just leave a scar as a bitter reminder that what we had wasn't enough for you. You made me question if something was wrong with me, Kea. You made me doubt myself for a few minutes. I was trying to figure out where I went wrong. Trying to figure out what she had that I didn't. You've never made me do that until now."
"You did nothing wrong, butterfly."
"I knowthat, Keaton, but your betrayal still made me doubt myself. Every day, I try to be the kind of person Joely would be proud of. I smile, I laugh, I make friends with everyone. I work hard to stay humble. And I love—so deeply it’s woven into who I am. When you shattered that love, you wrecked the very heart of me. Now I have to figure out who I am without you. I have tolearn how to exist on my own." The smile I offer is broken and empty. "I need to find out what my life looks like without you in it."
I watch, numb, as he collapses to his knees, sobbing and hanging his head.
He peers up at me through bloodshot eyes. "I don't know how to do this without you."
My shoulders rise and fall. "You should have thought of that before you fucked her. Without a condom."
"I can't lose you, Charlie," he murmurs.
"You already lost me, Keaton. You knew the risks and took them anyway. Figure out what you want from your life. Figure out why you cheated, and learn from it so you never do this to someone else."
"There is no one else. You're the only one I want, Char," he says, the sincerity in his voice squeezing my heart.
I doubt I’ll ever believe that again.
"I'm not an option anymore."
"I'll fix us, Charlie."
"You can't."
Keaton gets that stubborn look on his face, and I close my eyes against it. "Watch me."
"I’m moving forward, Keaton. I can’t do this anymore. There’s just too much damage."
"You do what you need to do to heal, Charlie, and I'll be working on repairing what I've broken." He takes a step toward me but stops when he catches my flinch and sighs. "I'm sorry, butterfly. I am so sorry that I made a stupid choice that has hurt you and taken you away from me. If we were allowed do-overs in life, I'd never become friends with her. Meeting her was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me."
"Meeting her wasn't the problem, Keaton. It's all the steps you took after that. She may have been the catalyst, but the issue issomewhere insideyou. Face what you did and accept your role in it."
