There’s another long silence. ‘If you go back on that word I’ll cut your balls off.’
I place a hand over my mouth, smiling and almost crying.
‘I can see where January gets her strength from,’ Dansays, for the first time a touch of humour in his voice.
After three harrowing hours Dan, Granny and I are in the recovery ward, standing by Isla’s bed, a machine beeping beside her. Isla is drowsy, with various tubes attached to her and her teddy and heart cushion are by her side. It’s too early to say if the operation has been a success. This may be wishful thinking, but I am sure she was moving her feet better in intensive care. For the first time since her diagnosis I feel hope that this operation might give her a better future. When Isla opens her eyes she looks at me and says, ‘I’m hungry, Mummy.’
I reassure her she can have some toast and juice soon. I stroke her hair, kiss her cheek, overwhelmed with relief that it’s over. Granny tells her what a brave girl she is. Dan is standing back, but looking at Isla tenderly, his eyes watering. Praying that I’m not going to regret this, I walk over to him and say, ‘Do you want to…?’
‘Can I?’
I nod.
Tentatively he steps forward, crouches down by Isla’s bedside and kisses his daughter.
23
2014
I sit at the corner table of my local pub, waiting for Lucas to arrive. As Isla is with Dan and Fiona, I’d called to see what he was up to this weekend. To my surprise he’d suggested supper on Saturday night. Since our conversation about the loan, over five years ago, when Lucas’s resentment boiled to the surface, I have worked hard at our friendship. Lucas still keeps his cards close to his chest, but we are certainly more honest with one another and make more of an effort to meet regularly. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s a doting uncle, but Isla likes him and understands he played a part in helping her go to America. Lucas made me promise never to confide in our grandparents about his feelings. He accepted that they had done the best possible job in raising us, and that he hadn’t been entirely fair on them, or on me. ‘I know you didn’t ask to be bullied or have all the stress with Isla. I’m sure if it had been the other way round, Granny would have done the same for me.’ He does feel guilty that he didn’t thank her enough for sacrificing her retirement. Each time I try to encourage him to make it up to Grandad, to open up more, I can only push him so far before the eyes harden and the barrier comes down. Lucas is a law unto himself. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to read him, but I am glad he is a part of my life. Our family is small. We need one another.
Lucas sends me a text, saying he’s running late. As I wait, my mind drifts to Ward. I haven’t been able to settle back at work since we kissed just over three weeks ago. How can I forget about it when I see him almost every day? I tap the menu against the table. I didn’t choose to be attracted to Ward, but I can choose how to deal with it: avoidance. I have become an expert. If I sense Ward wants to talk I’ve become masterly at diverting his attempts with trips out for coffee or an urgent need to rush to the bathroom. I time my trips upstairs to place documents on his desk just as Ward heads outside to take a private call. Nadine asks me why I always seem to be in such a hurry when I fly down the stairs and race back to the safety of my desk. I don’t hang around in the evenings. On the one occasion that Ward did find me on my own he’d wanted to let me know we’d won the instruction for Uley. ‘Great,’ I’d said, pretending I had urgent filing to attend to. I could sense him staring at me. Ward’s presence is so strong; he fills a room even if he’s only sitting in one corner of it.
‘How’s Isla?’ he asked.
Briefly I told him that I’d written to the school to report the incident.
Ward approached me slowly. ‘About the other day…’
‘Great we won the pitch! I’ll put a picture of Big Brown on the back of the brochure,’ I said, avoiding eye contact before backing away and leaving the room.
It was one stupid kiss. The trouble is what would have happened if Marina hadn’t called? What might that kiss have led to? I know we both wanted more. I have to keep on thinking of his wife and how wrong it is. When she rings the office I am overwhelmed with guilt on hearing her voice. I won’t be that person who wrecks a marriage. I couldn’t live with myself. But my feelings for Ward have woken me up to the fact that as much as I love Isla, something is missing. I think of Dan and how he has moved on and I want that too.
After Isla’s operation trust slowly began to build between us. He reinforced the fact that he had no intention of flying home, that he was in this for the long run. Isla was more important than any job interview. Over the next four weeks she had intensive physiotherapy and we watched her gain strength and mobility day by day. We knew then that the operation had been a success. Dan and Granny began to tolerate one another too. When Isla was strong enough to leave the hospital Dan had suggested we all watch the Harlem Globetrotters. ‘What are they?’ Isla had asked, screwing up her face. ‘A basketball team,’ he’d replied, trying not to smile. I was unsure if I wanted to go, I felt it was far too soon to play happy family, but Isla had pleaded with me to go, and after everything she had been through, how could I refuse? She had loved the atmosphere of the stadium and I had enjoyed watching Granny out of her natural environment clapping and waving her arms like a cheerleader. Dan had been right. It had helped us to relax and unwind after so much tension. On Christmas Day our motley crew opened our presents and watched a Walt Disney movie, Isla still calling Dan ‘the funny man’. Granny and I had called Lucas. We’d kept in touch regularly since arriving in America and had asked if he’d wanted to join us for Christmas, an offer he declined, saying he was having a quiet one with friends. The build-up leading to Isla’s operation, plus Dan’s reappearance, made me even more tearful than usual as I’d said to him, ‘If it weren’t for you, Lucas, we might not be here.’
I’m so deep in thought that I don’t notice Lucas entering the pub until he sits down opposite me. He’s wearing a dark jacket with a stripy blue scarf and I catch a hint of his aftershave. ‘You look as if you’re trying to solve all the problems of the world, J,’ he says.
‘Just one,’ I reply, with a sudden urge to confess everything to Lucas. I need someone to know. I’m going mad keeping this secret. Perhaps a male perspective is exactly what I need?
Lucas orders a beer, before saying, ‘Shall we order? I’m starving.’
I discover Lucas went on a twelve-mile cycle ride today. His discipline puts me to shame. Spud and I only did a circuit of Ravenscourt Park, quickly followed by a croissant and coffee.
Lucas orders the fish pie. I go for a chicken salad. I scan the crowded pub to make sure I don’t know anyone here.
‘What’s up?’ Lucas looks at me curiously. ‘You look like a spy.’
‘I kissed Ward.’
He smiles as if I’m making it up.
‘Lucas, it’s not funny.’
‘Right. Not what I was expecting.’ He breathes deeply, as if gearing himself up for the conversation. ‘So, I’m guessing you’re worried because he’s your boss?’
‘He’s married.’
‘Ah. I see.’
