Alone, I dry my eyes with the napkin. I realise this argument has nothing to do with the loan. I had no idea his jealousy was this deep-rooted, that he had harboured such resentment against us all for so many years. I kept on hoping that one day we would become friends. I didn’t want to believe that I had lost my brother a long time ago.
Later that day, when I call Granny to let her know how my meeting went with Lucas, she is furious. ‘I’ll ring him! Didn’t you say we’d pay him back, how can he—?’
‘Granny, don’t! Leave him be. I’ll think of something else, another way to get Isla to America.’
‘But you shouldn’t have to! Sometimes I wonder if that boy has any feelings.’
I see the tears in Lucas’s eyes and hear the anger in his voice. ‘He does,’ I say quietly. I can’t bring myself to tell her what else he had said. It would upset her too much. ‘Please, Granny, let me work this out. Don’t blame him.’
When the telephone rings only minutes later, ‘Granny,’ I say, picking up, ‘this is my problem, it’s not fair to expect Lucas to—’
‘Jan, it’s me.’
My heart beats fast. ‘Lucas…’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, I’m sorry. It was a huge amount to ask of you. I’ll remortgage the house or I’ll sell, or I’ll get a loan from my bank.’
‘If this is going to fix the problem…’
‘It won’t fix it but…’
‘But it could help her to walk better?’
‘Yes.’
‘I can lend you the money.’
‘Lucas, you don’t have to,’ I say, a lump in my throat.
‘I hope the operation works, Jan.’
‘I don’t know what to say. You don’t understand what this means.’
‘I think I do.’
‘About the other things you said,’ I broach tentatively.
‘Please don’t tell Granny. I was angry and it was unkind, unfair.’
‘I won’t, but Lucas, she’d understand. I completely understand. I feel terrible.’
‘When do you need the money by?’ he asks, clearly not wanting to talk about it.
‘I want to take her to the States late December.’ That’s in three months’ time. ‘Lucas, I had no idea you felt…’
‘Please forget what I said.’
‘I can’t.’
‘I was tired, I didn’t mean half of it.’
I know he’s pretending. The truth is, it was easier for my grandparents to love me because I needed them. Yet Lucas, in a different way, needed them too. ‘But I feel guilty, bad that—’
‘Jan, enough. I’m glad I can help.’ He pauses. ‘Mum and Dad would have wanted me to help you too.’
There’s another long silence. I’m fighting hard not to cry. There are so many things I want to say to him, if only there wasn’t such a barrier between us.
