I take a deep breath and try to look happy. ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘You’re pregnant.’ He smiles, as if he’s hoping I’m going to tell him it’s a joke, but I can see fear beginning to cloud his face. ‘You’re pregnant,’ he repeats, this time more slowly. ‘How? How did this happen?’ He looks around the bar, a helpless look in his eyes, as if he wants to find someone to give this problem to. ‘I thought we were being careful.’
‘We were, I am!’
The waitress returns with a beer and glass of water. Dan’s eyes remain on mine.
‘But there was that one time,’ I remind him quietly, ‘when we didn’t, you know…’ I told Dan about missing the pill over a weekend and that we had to be extra careful to use condoms over the next seven days, but in the heat of the moment it’s easy to forget the advice; besides, you never think it’s going to happen to you.
We sit in silence.
‘Listen, I’m as shocked as you,’ I say finally.
Dan takes my hand. ‘We’ll get through this. I’ll support you.’
I drop my shoulders and grip his hand. ‘You don’t know how relieved that makes me feel.’
‘I can ask around, find the best place to go.’
‘What?’
‘It’s going to be all right, J. We’ll deal with it.’
‘Dan, I think I want…’
He scratches his hand, bites his thumbnail. ‘What’ll it cost?’
‘What do you mean?’
He looks at me. ‘You know, a…’ He can’t bring himself to say the word.
‘I don’t want an abortion,’ I fight back, finally realising how much I want to keep this baby. ‘It’s not that simple, Dan.’
‘Think about it, J. We’re really young. This isn’t our fault, but let’s face it, neither one of us is ready to be parents yet, are we?’ When I don’t reply he continues, ‘I know I’m not. I’m nowhere near.’
‘I don’t think we should rush our decision.’
‘I’m twenty-two,’ he stresses, ‘nappies, mortgages, trips to the park, that’s a long way off. I want to travel, see the world, have a career. I think it’s important to be honest, here.’
‘Well, it’s not just about you,’ I say, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice.
‘I don’t want to be a dad!’ He raises his voice for the first time. ‘This can’t be happening.’
I’m painfully aware of people at the next-door table listening.
I lean towards him, say quietly, ‘I know it’s a shock, but with time—’
He makes a fist with his hand. ‘But it shouldn’t have happened! Let’s be sensible about this. We have options. I like you, January—’
‘You like me, oh wow, Dan, thanks. I’m touched.’
‘I do,’ he says, trying to remain calm, ‘and maybe at some stage…’
‘But life doesn’t work like that, you can’t plan—’
‘I don’t want us to end, but can’t you see I’m nowhere near ready for this?’
‘Nor am I! But—’
