Lizzie kneels down beside me as I stay close to the loo. She rests a hand on my back. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’ she says.
It’s early evening on a Thursday and I’m on my way to meet Dan for drinks after work. I haven’t told anyone yet that I’m pregnant, not even Granny. Lizzie is the only person who knows because she bought me the test and stayed with me as we both watched the line turn blue. Apart from Lizzie, I want Dan to be the first person to know.
I didn’t get any sleep last night; kept on going over and over in my head what his reaction might be. I know he’s not going to be exactly happy about it, it’s too soon and this wasn’t planned, but maybe, given time, he might come round. I want to have this baby; at least I think I do. The trouble is, what choice do I have? The other option feels unimaginable. I can’t swat a fly, let alone…
‘Don’t panic about what he might or might not say,’ Lizzie had said, after finding me in the kitchen in the middle of the night, drinking a hot chocolate, scribbling down all the things I was going to say to him if he said this or that.
‘I’m scared,’ I’d said to her, scrunching the piece of paper into a ball. ‘He won’t want a baby.’
‘Well, I’ll raise the kid with you if I have to. Two women and a baby.’
Finally I’d smiled, thinking of our neighbour from hell. ‘Now, thatwouldshock Morag.’
I’m brought back to reality when I arrive at the bar in Notting Hill, a ten-minute walk from my office. People are sitting outside, enjoying the early evening sunshine. I should have picked somewhere more secluded, I think to myself, as I nab the only table left in the corner, close to the doors. My heart skips a beat each time someone arrives. Dan is late. With a trembling hand I send him a text. A text comes back almost immediately.‘Sorry, running late. Got some exciting news! Something to ask you! Be with you soon. D x.’
Exciting news? Great. He’ll be in a good mood. I text him back.‘I’ve got some news too. See you soon. J x.’
While I wait I try to read one of my scripts, but can’t focus on the words. Do I tell him straightaway or do I give him time to unwind and have a couple of drinks?
‘January,’ I hear someone saying five minutes later. He bends down, kisses me on the cheek. He looks tired but happy as he sits down next to me and picks up the drinks menu. ‘Really sorry I’m late.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve been reading.’ I gesture to my script.
He scans the wine list.
‘So, what’s this news?’ I ask.
‘Let’s get a bottle of fizz first.’
‘I’ve got a bit of a headache. But you order something.’
‘I tell you the office was full-on today. We had to pull a piece at the last minute because we’d get sued if we used it. You need a degree in law in this job.’ I notice him scratching his right hand; it looks raw and pink.
A pretty Spanish-looking waitress approaches our table, asking if we’re ready to order. ‘Sorry, did you say you didn’t want anything, Jan?’
‘Just a lime and soda, thanks.’
‘Really?’
I nod, my heart beating like a drum. ‘So, come on, tell me your news.’
He looks at me curiously. ‘Tell me yours first.’
‘No, you go.’
‘J? Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘Yes! I mean, no, I mean, I don’t know.’
‘Is it bad news? Have you lost your job? Are you ill?’
‘I don’t know how to say this.’
Dan looks uncomfortable. ‘It can’t be that bad.’
‘OK, well the thing is…the thing is… tell me your news first.’
‘Jan!’
