‘I should have listened to you, Milla. I guess I was on a high. Being with Angus was like a drug. I loved the way he made me feel. In so many ways being with him reminded me of being with Jamie. I got caught up in the moment, in the idea of us.’
‘I get it,’ Milla says. ‘I’d have felt the same.’
Yet nothing could be more sobering than his wife calling, saying their son needed their dad. Nothing could be more sobering than seeing him run out of the door to be with them. And then today, hearing Angus had called out her name. The truth tends to come out in a crisis. When Angus thought he might die, it was Sophie he wanted. I realise now, I was always playing a game that I was never going to win. I shouldn’t have even been competing. ‘I feel so stupid,’ I confess to Milla, telling her how small I’d felt when the doctor assumed I was his wife. ‘I’m such an idiot.’
‘No you’re not, you had feelings for him, and he obviously had feelings for you too. You’re human, that’s all. Oh Holly, why didn’t you tell me all this before?’
‘I felt guilty. Ashamed. I knew you would have said I needed to stop seeing him, to protect myself from being hurt.’
She nods, acknowledging I’m right. That’s exactly what she would have said.
‘I didn’t want to stop seeing him. But when I saw Sophie…’ I sigh, still feeling guilty. ‘Why does he have to be married?’
‘It’s sod’s law.’
I smile at that.
‘Life is messy,’ she continues.
‘But yours is so neat,’ I can’t help saying.
‘Not all the time.’ She refills our wine glasses.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Dave once had feelings for someone else,’ she whispers.
‘No? Who?’
‘One of his colleagues. I’d had the twins, all my time and energy was taken up with them, he felt rejected and confused and turned to her. They slept together.’
‘Oh my God! You never said.’
‘Shh. Keep your voice down.’
‘Sorry.’
‘He made me promise not to, and to be honest, we felt guilty. We knew how much you and Jamie wanted a family. How could we burden you with our problems when you longed for everything we had? I couldn’t, Holly. He swore it meant nothing, that it would never happen again. All I wanted to do was put it behind us, move on.’
This is typical Milla; so self-sufficient. She keeps her feelings contained in a box, and very few people, if any, get to unlock it. I always feel like I need her far more than she needs me. ‘You forgave him, just like that.’
‘Holly, Dave isn’t perfect. He was struggling with his depression and didn’t know how to handle it or how to talk to me. It’s a real cliché, but he was feeling low and unloved, so he turned to someone else.’
‘How did you find out?’
‘He came home one night, after a conference, and was acting weird. Then it all came out. You know what he’s like, he can’t lie or pretend to save his life. You should have seen him. He was in tears, begging me not to leave him. I couldn’t forgive him, not straightaway. I felt angry, disappointed, but in a way, over time, it brought us closer together. I always trusted he’d never do it again, but it was messy for a while.’
‘What was messy?’ Dave asks, coming downstairs with Emily and Kate, dressed in their matching flowery pyjamas, their faces pink and glowing, their hair washed and smelling of fresh coconut. How I long to have their innocence and youth. ‘They wanted to say goodnight to Auntie Holly.’
‘You need to give Auntie Holly an extra big hug and kiss tonight,’ Milla says, ‘because she’s had a hard day.’
‘My life’s a bit messy at the moment,’ I explain to them. ‘I’m a little sad.’
Kate and Emily open their arms wide and I find myself holding on to them tightly, breathing them in. How I love the fact they ask no questions; they simply love me unconditionally. And I love them back. Dave also gives me a hug, a man who for so many years, I’ve placed on a pedestal. Their relationship always appeared untouchable. Invincible. In many ways it’s comforting to know we all have flaws and vulnerabilities, that we all create mess. As Dave takes them up to bed to read them a story, I turn to Milla. ‘I need to let him go, don’t I?’
‘Angus?’
‘No, Jamie. It’s time,’ I say tearfully, ‘time to scatter his ashes. Will you do it with me?’
