‘Don’t be daft. That’s like saying I want to be a popstar. It’s never going to happen.’
‘Says who?’
‘Says an old man who needs to get real.’
‘Come on, life’s too short. And you’re not old. Well, you’re notthatold.’
‘Listen, Holly, the time to take risks is when you’re young. I should have listened to my mother before I lost my nerve. She told me to pursue acting, be different, but all I could think was I’d never be good enough or earn a decent salary. I remember meeting a theatre director who helpfully told me ninety-nine per cent of actors don’t make it. I panicked. But I should have followed my gut back then, when I had no ties, no family, no Benjie to worry about, no Amy to fund through school, no marriage to fix. I can’t follow that pipe dream now. I need to get a job that pays the bills. We have some savings set aside, and Soph works, but I can’t be unemployed forever.’
I nod, accepting this with reluctance. ‘I didn’t know you loved acting?’
His face lights up. ‘I remember this one time, at school, readingGreat Expectationsaloud. It was a passage with Joe and Pip and the teacher said, “All of you, keep that in your head. That’s how you read a book.” That comment always stuck with me. It’s why I find banking so soulless. What I’d love is to be on stage, or writing plays or books. I sound like a pretentious loser, don’t I?’ He laughs at himself.
‘No,’ I say, thinking this is why I love being with Angus. I always discover something new about him.
‘I used to love drumming too, used to whack pots and pans in the kitchen. I was in a band at school, played 80s alternative rock. I always had dreams about us reuniting.’
‘Angus, your life isn’t over.’
‘Yeah, but time isn’t exactly on my side. I mean, I don’t have time to buy unripe bananas.’
‘Oh stop it! You’re young enough to still have dreams, and do the things you love, and buy green bananas.’
He looks sheepish.
‘I get what you’re saying,’ I continue. ‘You have a responsibility towards your family, but what’s the point of going into another soulless job that will only drive you to drinking and smoking again, and feeling miserable? You’ll undo all the hard work we’ve done. We at least owe it to ourselves to be happy, or happier, don’t we, when life is short?’
‘I’m sorry. You’re right. Life is short.’
‘So stop acting like yours is almost over.’
He nudges me. ‘You OK? You have that serious look, Holly.’ He furrows his own brow.
‘I feel blue,’ I admit, ‘and it’s nothing to do with Giles.’
‘Jamie?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say, confused and cross with Milla for sowing seeds in my head. I don’t have feelings for Angus. I can’t have feelings for him. It’s a road I cannot turn into, let alone go down. Yet he was in my head for half the date. He might as well have been sitting beside me.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asks. ‘God knows you’ve counselled me enough.’
‘Grief is weird,’ I tell him. ‘It makes me feel like I live this double life. There are still things I enjoy. I mean, I’m here with you and you always make me laugh. I don’t go around feeling miserable, but I feel Jamie’s absence all the time. When anything happens, like my date tonight, I want to tell him. I miss the way we used to talk. I miss how we did nothing together. There aren’t that many people you can do nothing with, are there?’
‘I guess not.’
‘Jamie was my nothing and everything person. And as much as I long for a new life, a new chapter,’ I say, thinking about what Mum had said to me earlier this evening, ‘I dread everything I’ll have to do without him. That’s why I didn’t want to be on my own this evening. I couldn’t face returning to an empty flat.’ Whenever I step inside my home, Jamie’s presence is all around me, in the shape of our photographs, his art on the walls, his art and design books on the shelf, the kitchen he made for us, even the chipped mug with his initial in the cupboard. I feel choked with emotion. ‘I know it sounds pathetic.’
‘It doesn’t sound pathetic. I’m sorry your date didn’t go well, but honestly, Holly, you’ll meet someone else. You’ll find a new life. I know you will, because you’re gorgeous, funny, wise, headstrong, beautiful and any man in his right mind would be lucky to have you. I’d be—’ He stops.
I wait, pleading with my eyes for him to carry on.
‘You won’t be on your own forever,’ he ends up saying.
‘Sometimes it’s hard, Angus.’
He edges closer to me. ‘I can’t imagine, Holly. I wish there was something I could do, or say, to make it better.’
‘Hold me?’ I ask, craving his touch.
