‘I can do that,’ he says, allowing me to rest my head against his chest. He puts an arm around me and rubs my shoulder gently with his thumb, telling me it’s going to be all right. It scares me that Angus was the first person I wanted to call after my date. That throughout the entire evening I kept on fantasising that he was with me instead. That somehow, over the past five months, he has become one of the most important people in my life. But what scares me most is hearing the sound of Scottie’s keys in the front door, and realising how much I don’t want Angus to let me go.
25
Six weeks later
As winter darkens the sky, Angel’s classes now take place either under the arches at Ravenscourt Park, Angel bringing her lamp, or occasionally during my lunch hour too. ‘How’s your Saturday place going?’ Harriet asks me, as I put my trainers on and brush my hair. Harriet knows all about Sander and his cinnamon buns, she loves hearing about Tom’s endless marriage proposals, she wants to buy Craig a decent tent, but perhaps the people she’s interested in most, unsurprisingly, are Angus and Laurie. I tell Harriet about Scottie getting in a terrible state last weekend because we had a new volunteer in the kitchen, a middle-aged gentleman called Peter who didn’t know what he was doing, despite telling Nina in his interview that he was a brilliant cook, a modern man who threw regular last-minute dinner parties so knew how to cook under stress. The pressure for Scottie to produce a meal by 12.30 does build throughout the morning, and it only takes one person not to follow his instructions, thinking they know how to do it better, to make him explode. ‘“You do it like that, do you?” I could hear him say, standing dangerously too close. I thought Scottie was going to whack him over the head with his saucepan.’
Harriet tuts. ‘Poor Peter. I can shout at you. Ipayyou.’
‘You don’t shout at me.’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it. I’m a gentlewoman. But I could, if I wanted to. Scottie sounds more frightening than Clarissa Pope.’ Harriet and I look at one another, before both shaking our heads adamantly, saying ‘no’ and laughing. She peers at me from behind her glasses. ‘And how’s Angus?’
I think about our morning together, about three weeks ago. He came over for coffee and we brainstormed ideas, Googled jobs on the Internet, scrolled through social media sites, including LinkedIn. We bought a heap of weekend papers and scrutinised their Employment section. I helped him liven up his CV. All it needed was a few tweaks here and there. ‘Tell them your passion is acting, and drumming,’ I said, ‘makes you sound cool.’
‘Cool? How old are you?’
‘Twenty-one. Makes you sound human.’
I discovered a small local theatre in Shepherd’s Bush was advertising for a finance director. That was the job that excited him the most. It’s a drop in his salary but we agreed that he should apply for jobs that make him want to get out of bed. To be honest, he needs a job now,anyjob, to give him structure and purpose. The only thing keeping him sane is running every day, and Angel’s classes, plus he’s joined an amateur dramatics club.
‘He’s lucky to have you, Holly,’ Harriet says.
‘He’d do the same for me.’
‘You’ve become close, haven’t you?’
‘He’s a good friend. Right,’ I say, grabbing my bag before any further interrogation can begin.
‘Any luck on the dating front?’
I’ve been on two more since my fateful evening with Giles, and I have one tonight, not that I’m madly looking forward to it. I know I’ve got to snap out of my mood. Mr Right could be sitting opposite me and I’m not even noticing him.
‘No luck, yet,’ I say. ‘Right, better go, want me to get you a coffee or anything?’
‘I was involved once with a married man,’ she says.
I stop dead by the door, my heart beating fast. ‘Harriet, I’m not involved, not like that.’
She either didn’t hear, or she doesn’t believe me. I’m guessing which one it is when she says, ‘Be careful. It rarely ends well.’
‘Three, two, one,’ counts Angel. ‘OK, from here you’re going to come into a full plank, and hold,’ she instructs, as Laurie, Angus and I lie on our mats, contorting ourselves into awkward shapes and poses. ‘For twenty seconds.’ She starts to count down to one. ‘Bring yourself into a plank again, this time on your forearms. That’ssogood, Laurie.’
‘Teacher’s pet,’ Angus calls out.
‘Shut up and hold,’ Angel tells him. ‘Twenty seconds.’
‘You said twenty seconds five seconds ago,’ he argues.
‘Twenty-five now!’
‘Cruel!’ I shout out breathlessly, still trying to forget what Harriet said. How did she know? I haven’t said a word to her. I mean, I talk about the café, it’s a huge part of my life, but why does everyone think I’m falling in love with Angus? Being close doesn’t mean being involved or in love, does it? At the same time, I’m certain Angus feels something for me. I can feel it. Maybe his marriage is over? Being married doesn’t mean you own that person. Am I bad wanting his marriage to be over? Do I? I can’t. I don’t.
Holly,stop!This has got to stop. Snap. Out. Of. It.
I am not, categorically not, falling for Angus. I care for him deeply. Oh fuck. I have feelings. But these feelings are feelings, that’s all, and I can control them. I don’t want them to get in the way of our friendship, or his marriage. I won’t let them. He has a family that need him. Benjie needs his father. And so does Amy, even if she doesn’t know it, or think it.
Oh fuck. Calm down, Holly. What was it my therapist, Susan, used to say to me? It’s human to have feelings, it’s what you do with them that counts.
