‘He didn’t care. He never wanted me. Think I reminded him of Mum. Used to tell me to do as I was told and stay out the way, shut the fuck up basically. Don’t worry, Holly,’ Lauren says, tapping me on the arm. I look at her, realising tears are rolling down my cheeks. I never wanted to believe such cruelty could exist. ‘It was normal,’ she reassures me. ‘You get used to it.’ It both shames and warms my heart that it’s Lauren comforting me, and not the other way round.
‘Lauren, you never ever deserved that. No child deserves that. You shouldn’t get used to it.’
She nods. ‘I got away in the end.’
I look at her, wanting so much to hold her. I edge closer, I almost do, but then lose my nerve. ‘Do you feel up to doing anything else today?’ I ask gently instead, suspecting the answer will be no. But I want to show I’m not giving up. There is no way I’m giving up on this girl. ‘You could come over to mine for some lunch? We could go for a walk, or do some baking?’
‘Nah, if it’s OK with you, I’ll stay here, with Teddy.’ She gestures to her threadbare teddy, propped up against her Harry Potter cushion, staring at me with his one and only eye. ‘My nan, Mum’s mum, gave him to me,’ she says, picking him up and giving him a cuddle. ‘I’ve had him since the day I was born.’ When she introduces us, I see Lauren again, as a little girl, back in her bedroom at home, holding on to Teddy, her one and only friend. ‘Ted slept on the streets with me, never left my side.’ She gives him another cuddle. ‘He’s a survivor.’
I feel the tears come on again as I say, ‘Like you.’
She turns to me. Instinctively I reach for her hand now and she lets me hold it. ‘Yeah,’ she repeats, as if thinking about what I’ve just said. ‘Like me.’
12
I open the fridge, take out some lettuce, a tub of hummus, a packet of cold chicken, some cherry tomatoes and an avocado. I resist picking up the bottle of wine, left over from last night, even though I feel in need of a drink after hearing more about Lauren’s childhood.
Ian also hit a nerve. Perhaps Angus and I are trying to swoop in and save the day. Lauren isn’t some project we can throw ourselves into to distract us from our own problems. Yet at the same time, Lauren will be expecting us to give up, and I want to prove her wrong, show her that there are people out there who care, people she can trust. People like Angus and me, who want nothing in return. People who aren’t going to hurt her.
‘So, I think we can safely say that was a disaster,’ Angus had said when I joined him outside. ‘So much for our genius plan. Maybe we should call it a day, Holly.’
‘No,’ I replied, linking my arm through his and suggesting lunch at my place. ‘We’ve only just begun,’ which encouraged Angus to sing the song, ‘We’ve Only Just Begun’ by The Carpenters. His voice is almost as bad as mine.
‘Is chicken salad OK?’ I ask.
‘Perfect. Anything I can do?’
‘Nothing. It’s literally chopping and chucking everything into a bowl.’ I confide to Angus that ever since Jamie died, I’ve become lazy cooking for myself.
‘Cooking for one can’t be much fun, Holly.’
‘It’s not. I used to love trying out new recipes. I’d even take cookbooks to bed.’
‘You dirty thing.’
I smile. ‘When I was a little girl, I used to bake all the time. That’s why I wanted to volunteer at the café, cook for others again. How about you, Angus?’
‘Me? What about me?’
When I’m with Angus, I realise I still know so little about him, except for the stark facts: unemployed and separated, two kids, Benjie and Amy, whom he sees every other weekend under strict supervision from his wife, Sophie. But there are many gaps in the middle. ‘What happened? With Sophie?’
‘God, where do I start?’
‘The beginning?’
‘You’re a sucker for punishment, Holly. First Lauren, and now me.’
‘Did you have an affair?’
‘An affair,’ he repeats, ‘you think anyone would have me in this state?’
‘No.’
‘Thanks.’ He grins back.
‘So what happened?’
He sighs. ‘It all started off great, it was love at first sight across the dance floor. Well, it was for me. We were at a twenty-first birthday party, black tie. Sophie was wearing this beautiful purple dress, blonde hair tied back, incredible green eyes. I remember thinking Ihadto talk to her. We danced all night. I pretended I was thirty and owned a bank, hoping I’d at least get a kiss for that.’
