11
‘Don’t eventhinkabout it,’ Ian says to Angus, leaning against Lauren’s bedroom door, guarding it with his life. Ian is another resident at the night-shelter. I know, from Lauren, he’s an ex-offender, in and out of prison for burglary. His bedroom is opposite Lauren’s.
‘Don’t think about what? What’s the problem?’ Angus says, undeterred. ‘We’re only here to take her swimming.’
‘Is Lauren OK?’ I ask.
Ian crosses his muscled arms. I can see the veins protruding from them, they appear to be as angry as him. ‘No. She had one of her attacks this morning.’
‘Attacks?’ Angus looks puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’
‘She couldn’t breathe. She doesn’t want to see you. She asked me to tell you she doesn’t wanna go swimming today, so clear off.’
‘Sure, that’s fine, we don’t have to go swimming, but can we at least talk to her?’ Angus asks, determined not to be shooed away by Ian.
‘You people…’ Ian glances at me, and then back to Angus, ‘with your fancy jobs.’
‘I don’t have a job,’ Angus puts him straight.
‘…and your posh voices, you think you can swan in here and sort us out, put us back together, right? But you know what? The truth is we’re all broken, you, me and the rest of the fucking world. So, if Lauren says she doesn’t want to see you, she doesn’t want to see you, so get lost before I throw you out.’ I doubt Ian would break into a bead of sweat picking Angus up and throwing him out the front door.
‘Come on,’ I say, defeated. ‘Let’s go.’
‘No, Holly! Come on, Ian, we’re herfriendsand you’re right. We’re all fucked up and need each other,’ Angus insists. ‘If we’ve upset Lauren or put too much pressure on her with this exercise programme, I want to say sorry, and then we’ll clear off.’
‘You humiliated her,’ Ian asserts.
Angus remains as lost as me. ‘How?’
‘Just piss off,’ Ian says, fast losing his patience now.
That’s it. I’m going. We’re going. I grab Angus by the arm, determined to leave the place in one piece.
But Angus won’t budge. ‘No, you piss off.’
Lauren’s bedroom door swings open. ‘Both of you, shut the fuck up. Ian, let them in.’
Ian obeys immediately. ‘Sorry Laurie,’ he mumbles, almost shrinking in size.
‘And you.’ Lauren points to Angus, wagging a finger at him. ‘You’re so bloody stubborn. I don’t want to go swimming.’
I’m so stunned by her authority, there is no doubt who’s the boss, that it’s only when I look at her again that I notice she’s dressed in the bright polka-dot orange swimming costume that we bought her from Primark last week. I took Lauren shopping last Saturday, after our shift in the café. Lauren didn’t want to try it on in the shop. She’d simply grabbed the first one we saw and promised she’d pay me back when she got paid, that is, when she received her benefits allowance. My eye is drawn to her left leg, her skin blotchy and discoloured all down her thigh. ‘Don’t stare,’ she says to all of us, her authority dissipating as she turns round and slams the door behind her.
‘I’m disgusting,’ she says to me. I was the only one allowed inside her bedroom. Angus didn’t object, telling us he’d wait outside. And nor did Ian, who remained mortified by Lauren’s disapproval.
I sit down beside her, pretending not to see the chocolate wrappers and empty crisp packets littered across the floor. ‘I can’t do it,’ she says, shivering as she wraps her pale arms around herself. I get up, reach for the maroon dressing gown hanging on the back of her door, place it round her shoulders. I’m unsure what to say because I know I’d feel just as self-conscious if my body was covered in burn marks and scars.
‘Everyone will stare,’ she convinces herself.
‘I understand.’
‘I can’t swim, Holly, never learned at school.’
‘We can do something else,’ I suggest, feeling ashamed that didn’t even cross my mind. ‘It doesn’t have to be swimming.’
‘I couldn’t tell you and Angus I’d drown.’
‘We wouldn’t have minded. I mean, we would mind, if you drowned. You know what I mean.’
