I don’t buy that. ‘If that were true, she wouldn’t have come today,’ I say, even though I wonder if Angus has a point. I get the idea she does whatever she’s told to do. Or else.
He rubs his eyes. ‘I think she’s scared of men. She’d be better off if someone else kept an eye on her. She’s got you and Monika’s lovely, being a nurse and all that.’
‘I imagine Nina asked you for a reason,’ I say, watching her approach us.
‘I’m not a frigging counsellor, Holly.’
‘Oh. How disappointing.’ I nudge him. ‘I was going to book a session with you, see if you had a spare slot later.’
Angus doesn’t react.
‘I did ask you for a reason,’ Nina says. ‘Be kind and listen to her.’
Angus shrugs. ‘That’d be easy if she talked.’
‘Silence speaks volumes.’
‘I make things worse, Nina. Everything I touch right now—’
Nina crosses her arms. ‘Oh, stop feeling so sorry for yourself, Angus.’
‘Why me? Hasn’t she suffered enough trauma?’
Nina grips Angus by the shoulders. ‘Woe is me. You are one of my oldest friends, and I will always love you, but for such an intelligent man, you have so much to learn. I don’t know what happened this morning, but if you think that was the worst thing that’s ever happened to Lauren, think again. She’s probably stronger than the whole lot of us put together. She might not say very much, but she’s here, when most people in her position would have probably sunk.’
‘What’s wrong with her?’ I ask, longing to understand Lauren a little more.
‘I can’t go into it, it’s confidential. But it’s not what’swrongwith her, Holly, it’s whathappenedto her,’ Nina puts me straight. ‘Listen, I know it’s a lot to ask, of both of you,’ Nina says. ‘You’ve barely begun here, Holly, and I’m throwing you in at the deep end, but I know you and Angus are going to be good for that girl,’ she says, before she leaves, urging us to hurry, hungry people will be arriving any minute.
I place a hand on Angus’s shoulder. Maybe Nina has a point. ‘You helped me on my first day. Without you I might have made a run for it. We don’t give up, OK? Everyone’s probably given up on Lauren, so we can’t.’ He still won’t look at me. ‘I get life is hard right now, but you can’t give up, Angus. I need you,’ I say, realising how important he is not only to the café, but to me too. I can’t do this without him. When he remains quiet, I walk away, before he grabs my arm and pulls me back. ‘I’m sorry, I’m being an idiot.’ He takes in a deep breath, as if gearing himself up to go back inside.
‘It’s human to be scared, or to feel sad,’ I say quietly, remembering it was something Jamie used to tell me before hospital appointments, or when I had yet another miscarriage. ‘I’m scared too Holly, but we can’t give up,’ he’d say.
He nods. Grips my hand even more tightly. ‘You’re right. Let’s do this, together. How come you’re so wise, Holly?’
‘I’m not.’
He looks intently at me, as if I’m hiding something. It’s unnerving. ‘Your apron,’ he says, eventually.
I glance down, noticing the straps have come loose.
‘Come here.’ Angus ties them back securely. ‘There,’ he says, gently touching my shoulder. ‘Thanks, Holly.’
As I walk home that evening, I can’t stop thinking about what Nina said, that it’s not about what’s wrong with us, it’s what happened to us.
I see Lauren jumping like a frightened child when Angus touched her arm, and cowering when Scottie raised his voice in the kitchen. We all have a story to tell. I fear Lauren’s will be daunting to read. But I want to keep turning the pages.
I also think about Angus, and our chat, sitting on the wall. Angus took off his mask and I liked what I saw.
Maybe it’s time I took mine off too.
7
It’s the following weekend at Soul Food, and by one o’clock it’s buzzing with all the usuals. Sarah, also known as Lady Sarah, or Lady S by Angus, is here, somehow making jeans and a T-shirt look elegant, finishing off her outfit with a pair of navy heels. She exudes warmth and genuinely loves spending her time at the café, and I’ve also discovered she is a prison visitor volunteer. When I asked her why she loved being here and visiting prisons she told me she couldn’t explain it. ‘It was never part of the plan. All I knew was I didn’t want to stay at home with the television on, or spend the rest of my life feeling retired and old. I guess I wanted to do somethingdifferent. I chanced upon this place. I was out for a walk, saw the banners outside, felt rather nosy. And hungry!’ She laughed with gusto. ‘I’ve met some of the best people here… including you, Angus,’ she’d added when he’d coughed loudly in her direction. She shrugged. ‘I’ve never looked back, and I don’t think you will either, Holly.’ When she met Lauren for the first time, she gave her a makeup bag filled with hand cream, lip balm, shower gel and toothpaste, along with some hand warmers she’d knitted herself, and stripy socks. Lauren didn’t know how to thank her, making me wonder if she’d ever received a gift before. I’ve met Chris, who Angus loves to remind me went to Harvard, proving how homelessness can happen to us all, no matter our background. Chris is excited as he’s been offered a space in Hackney to show his art. He’s working on an exhibition to portray homelessness, calledThe View from Down Here. He has asked Nina if he can do a sketch of Soul Food café. Growing up he loved music and art but his father insisted he read a ‘proper’ subject at school, to get him a ‘proper’ job. Often, he visits Lady Sarah on a Sunday to enjoy a roast dinner. Nigel is here, as always, talking to everyone he meets, to make up for the lack of company during the week. He also has an open invitation to lunch with Lady S. I see a lot of sadness at this café, people so damaged and hurt by their past, but I also see such kindness and love.
Angus is taking orders, and Scottie and Monika are dishing up quickly before handing plates of parmesan chicken and vegetable stew to volunteers on the hot food service team. Nina told me, during my first day here, not to stand around twiddling my thumbs; there’s always something to do. ‘The moment people finish their food, see if they want seconds, or if someone looks lonely talk to them,’ she’d urged. ‘Don’t hang around waiting for me to tell you what to do. And even if you’re not sure what the heck you’re doing you can get away with murder if you smile!’
‘Lauren, see that table over there,’ I say, pointing to the one in the middle, ‘they need more water.’ I gesture to the empty jug. ‘And maybe ask them if they want seconds?’ She looks terrified at the prospect of walking over to a table of strangers. Yet slowly, dutifully, she walks out of the kitchen.
