“It was never about you, Elijah.”
Elijah placed the dish he was holding on the counter. Despite Camden’s statement, when Elijah had woken up to emptiness and silence that morning, the ache in his ass and his heart informed him otherwise.
Camden grabbed the towel from Elijah’s shoulder and dried his hands before speaking again. It was as if the mundane motions gave him an opportunity to build up the nerve to speak his mind.
“Elijah, that night we spent together was more than I ever expected. I wasn’t thrilled about my boss setting me up with her friend, but when I met you, I knew she’d put me on the path to finding something irreplaceable.”
The word “irreplaceable” made Elijah’s heart swell. Camden was a lawyer. A good one according to his record. Choosing the right words to express himself, to make the most impact, was part of what made him so good at his job. Selecting that word was intentional.
“Then what was it about? Because I’ve never been able to figure it out. Everything about the way you left just made me feel like I wasn’t what you wanted or wasn’t worth your time.”
Camden hung his head as if the shame of his actions was too much for him to overcome. The pose struck Elijah as odd. The word “shame” wasn’t something he associated with Camden. But that’s exactly the way Camden’s body language was reading now.
“My father has planned my life out for me from birth. He has great political aspirations for me. He believes my life and career have to meet certain standards if I’m to be the first openly gay president. The first step is me becoming the district attorney before my fortieth birthday. That position will lead to either a mayoral or gubernatorial run, which will lead to a presidential campaign. But before I run, I need to present the perfect package to the world. I need to settle down with the right man. One who comes from as powerful a political family as I do. One who can model the picture of consistent, wholesome, dedicated love to the masses of politicians and constituents.”
Elijah knew what it was to have his mama harping on him about finding a good man. However, this sounded nothing like that. The deep lines appearing around Camden’s mouth and his eyes declared this far outweighed a meddling mother.
“His plan has never allowed me to step outside of his outline for my life. Well, not until the one night I shared with you. It was perfect. It was everything I dreamed a night with the right man, a man of my own choosing, could be. But then the morning came, and my father sent me a text telling me he’d set up a meeting with a potential candidate for the role of husband, and I knew everything we’d shared that night would never be possible in my world.”
Elijah moved closer to Camden, placing a hand against his cheek, hoping to take away some of the tension that seemed to be building while Camden spoke about his father.
“Camden, it’s your life. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
The loud sigh that slipped through Camden’s lips weighed on Elijah. To see Camden, the upbeat, quick-witted man he knew, carrying something so heavy pained Elijah.
“When you’re born into the world I am, it’s not as simple as finding your own path. Disobedience means exile. And as much as I want freedom, I don’t think I could handle exile either.”
Camden lifted his eyes, the bright blue sullied with sadness leaving a dull, almost unrecognizable shade in its place. “I desperately wanted more with you, Elijah. What I experienced when we talked, when we laughed, when we made love, it’s never left me.”
There Camden went again with those deliberate word choices. It hadn’t escaped Elijah’s notice he’d called their time together in bed “making love.” Elijah swallowed the lump of emotion bottled up in his throat. He’d never allowed himself to label the intimacy they’d shared as lovemaking. How could he? To do so would’ve worsened the blow of being tossed away so easily by someone Elijah connected with on almost a spiritual level.
“Me either.” The words fell from Elijah’s mouth on a soft breath. So soft he had to wonder if they’d come from him. They were absolute truth, though. He’d never been completely free of that night. It was always somewhere in the back of his mind, haunting his present, reminding him of what he wanted most, but could never have. “I wish you’d brought this to me then. We could’ve worked it out, Camden.”
He shook his head. “You don’t think I wanted that? You don’t think I wanted to tell you everything and hope you’d take enough pity on me to choose me, choose us anyway? The only thing I could’ve offered you was a life in the shadows. You deserved better than that.”
Elijah shook his head, then stepped closer to Camden. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Camden’s as he placed a hand at the nape of Camden’s neck. “No, Camden. What I deserved was the opportunity to make that decision for myself. And I’m so sorry you didn’t trust either of us enough to share this with me back then.”
“Why?” Camden’s one-word question hung in the air, making it heavy with uncomfortable anticipation.
Elijah pulled Camden into his arms and hugged him to disperse some of the nervous energy Camden’s tense body displayed. “Because we could’ve been awesome together.”
Elijah pulled away from the hug and looked into Camden’s eyes. He saw a familiar mixture of sadness and regret that Elijah had only witnessed once before.
“You were there, weren’t you?”
Camden’s confusion was clear in the pinched lines of his brow. “There where? When?”
Elijah kept his gaze leveled at Camden. “My father told me you were at the hospital after my attack. But I keep remembering you standing at my bedside during one of my rare moments of lucidity. You were worried and upset and you kept asking me to fight. I’ve always thought I was hallucinating. But I wasn’t, was I? You really were there?”
Camden didn’t answer at first. In fact, his silence stretched out into an awkward gap of nothingness. If this had been one of their prior encounters, Elijah would’ve filled in the blanks with some smartassed comment. But this moment was too important for that. Not just because of Elijah’s need to know, but also because Elijah sensed that this moment could become their turning point if they both dug in and did the work.
Camden returned his gaze to Elijah’s. There was none of his usual cockiness there. Camden was always confidence and flair. But tonight, the subdued way his shoulders folded in and his gaze wavered every few seconds revealed the man was lacking the usual dose of self-assurance Camden seemed to exude with great ease.
“I was there.” His answer was quiet and small. “I was in a meeting with the DA when the news of your attack arrived. I knew I had no right to be there, but I needed to know you would make it. So, I used my ADA’s badge to get me inside your room.”
Camden took a deep breath as if the memory of that night was too much for him to bear. It was almost like he needed to fortify himself to be transported back to that time.
Elijah understood that kind of hesitation. He had it every single time his mind or his therapist wanted him to walk back into that black moment. But why would Camden?
