A watery chuckle slid past my lips. “I still find that hard to believe. Sheldon’s the first man I’ve been attracted to.”
“You chose well.”
Colleen and I spoke a little more about my mom before she closed out the reading with another prayer. She told me she could do it again if and when I was ready. Then she offered me a hug, which I eagerly accepted. More tears fell as she held me, but a part of me was lighter for it. Maybe it really was time to let go of the past.
17
SHELDON
Forest was already nearly perfect in my eyes. Tonight, the way he was with Colleen and Davis solidified how amazing a human he was. He took Colleen in stride, didn’t mock her or say anything negative. Forest enjoyed their company and even let Colleen read for him.
While they were inside, I stayed out with Davis, who told me how much he liked Forest and how he was great for me. I didn’t know about that. The man had the power to lay me down and rip out my heart, but he did get me out of that building and away from pacing the halls. He filled my chest with so many emotions, I wasn’t sure if I should scream or hit something.
I was used to feeling. A lot. Everything whirled inside me daily, but I suddenly had to let it out. I needed an outlet, although I didn’t have one. The idea of punching something wasn’t appealing. I wasn’t angry. It was… something. Shit, I had no clue what I was even thinking, saying, or doing. I was so out of my element with him. Whenever I saw him, I did the first thing I thought of. It was impulsive, which wasn’t always me. Sure, I thought quickly on my feet. I had to working for Jordan. But I also planned. I worked out the tiniest details. With Forest, there was no plan to follow.
“Thank you for taking me,” Forest said when we were in the car on the way back to the city.
“Of course. I’m glad you met them. They mean a lot to me.”
“I wish I had more close family to introduce you to. You know Hart and Vail. They’re pretty much it. Pop would have loved you though. He would have given you shit and asked if you were good enough for me, but when he saw me happy, he’d have been your biggest fan.”
“I’m not, by the way.”
“Not what?”
“Good enough for you.” That wasn’t a self-esteem issue. It was the truth. Forest deserved the world. I wasn’t sure I could give it to him. In fact, I knew I couldn’t, given my job. So good enough… No, not with what I did for a living. There was a very real chance one day I’d go to work with Jordan and end up in a jail cell soon after. Of course, lawyers would get us out, at least I hoped. I could also end up dead.
“I’m not going to sit here and tell you you’re more than good enough for me. That won’t get us anywhere. Instead, I’ll say this. If Vail and Hart didn’t think you were the person I needed, they wouldn’t have let you get anywhere near me. My brother doesn’t come off as violent, but as I’m sure you’ve seen, he’s protective of the ones he loves. And Vail, he’s a giant pillow of love, but he can be protective too.” He was right. They wouldn’t have pushed us together or been happy that we were seeing each other if they didn’t think we’d fit well together.
“My job…” There wasn’t a lot to say there. I wouldn’t be finding a new one, so there was no point in saying I could do something else. I liked my job. I enjoyed stabbing people with my syringes, making them drink my poisons, and talking to them in a way where they thought they were making the smartest move ever by agreeing to whatever Jordan wanted.
“Is who you are,” he finished for me. “I knew that going in. Is it ideal? No. I’m going to worry about you just as much as you worry about me, but you’re competent and so are the people around you.”
“I don’t want to get in deep with you, only for you to back out when shit gets real. At some point, my job will touch your life. It’s inevitable. If you freak out and leave me… I’d rather you exit now. It will hurt, but it will hurt more later.” I should have had this talk with him before. Who the fuck knew why I was doing it now? At least I’d said it. I made the opening for him to end things before we became more serious.
“Pull over for a minute.”
“What?” I asked and glanced at him. “Are you sick?”
“No, I want to talk and have you look into my eyes when I do so.”
We were outside of the city still, nothing but houses spread apart and streetlights every so often on a two-lane road. We hadn’t passed another car for a bit.
I pulled into a dirt driveway of a house that had no lights on and cut the engine. The last thing we needed was the cops finding us and asking what we were doing. Being searched wasn’t on tonight’s agenda. I was in every database, thanks to my connection to Jordan.
The interior light stayed on but went out as soon as Forest and I locked eyes. It wasn’t until we were bathed in darkness that he said, “I’m not going anywhere. Being with you wasn’t something I decided on a whim.” He lifted his phone and tapped on the screen. “I’m going to be vulnerable. No one else knows I’ve done this. Here.” He handed it to me.
On his phone was a screenshot of a note.
I’m not sure what you see in me. I’ve heard others whisper about how you’re attracted to me. I’ve seen you watch me and hope I hide my blush so you can’t see it. Being interested in aman is new to me. What makes me so special that you’d pick me out of everyone? You’re very attractive, enough that you pulled my interest, someone who’d never looked at a man that way before. What is it about you that I can’t look away?
“What is this?” I asked.
“I wasn’t brave enough to talk to you or even text you, so I typed them, but I could never hit send. I copied and pasted them into a note. At first, I would save the notes, but then I just started taking screenshots. I deleted the note and kept the photo. They’re all in that folder. You can scroll. There’s more.”
So I did.
I haven’t seen you for a couple of weeks. I understand it’s my own fault. You don’t usually guard Hart. I could go to the building, see him there and you, but that would mean confronting the very real crush I’m developing on you, one I have no idea what to do with. You work for a mafia boss. I have a desk job. We’re nothing alike. My life is boring compared to yours. Why would you want me when you have so many other men around who live the life you do?
