“Forest, don’t you think if I wanted them, I would have had them? I don’t want to be with a guy I work with. That’s my job. That’s what I do. I need balance, a way to level out the shit I wade through. You’re not boring. You’re solid.”
“No one said insecurities were based on facts.”
I shook my head and scrolled through the notes until I got to more recent ones.
I can’t breathe, Sheldon. I can’t fucking breathe. You could have been killed. You nearly were. If they hadn’t gotten to you in time… Oh god, I can’t think of what could have happened. I should have been with you in the hospital. I should have sat in a chair beside your bed, whether they all wanted me there or not. You don’t know how I feel about you, but I could have been your friend. Instead, I was too fucking selfish and couldn’tget out of my head. You… you could have… I’m not okay with how I behaved and my lack of support for you. Just know I’m breaking. I’m sitting here with tears running down my cheeks as I type this. I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you.
Putting the phone on the center console, I reached up and gently gripped the back of Forest’s neck, bringing our foreheads together. “If you don’t want me to kiss you, pull back.”
He didn’t.
I surged forward and captured his lips with mine. He was either as greedy as I was for this, or he felt my urgent need to make sure we were here and this was real.
Forest’s lips parted, and I immediately slid my tongue into his mouth. His words shattered me. He suffered while I was in the hospital in a different way than I did. The hate he had for himself, the guilt, it was strong. I missed him terribly when I was there and when I was recovering. I kept hoping he’d show up. It was painful. This, reading his messages, was worse. We were in the same city but not near each other, both with bleeding hearts, not knowing how the other felt.
I was rectifying it tonight.
Pulling back slightly so I could catch my breath, I said, “I don’t want you to doubt how I feel about you. If you’re not sure, ask. Communication between us needs to be strong.”
“How do you feel?”
“Like if I don’t get your bare skin against mine soon, I’m going to lose my mind. I don’t need to fuck you, Forest. I just want to touch you, but I won’t do it without your consent.” I tried to pull back a little and not tell him if I could fucking crawl inside him, I would. I wanted to live with him, never to be apart. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. However, that was a bit much for the first date, especially since he was dating someone of the same sex for the first time.
His breath stuttered out against my lips. The way his body trembled against my touch made me pull him as close as I could, given the console between us. “I’m not ready for everything, but I need you. Please, Sheldon. I can’t… I want…”
“It’s okay. I’ve got you. We’re going to get back on the road, then when we arrive at your place, I want us to crawl into bed so I can hold you. Shirts off if possible.”
“Everything off.”
“You’re in charge. Whatever we do or don’t do, just know being with you in any way is enough.”
He nodded. “Home, please.”
I released him, except for my hand that I kept over the console so I could thread our fingers together. Most wouldn’t think much of holding hands. Tonight, Forest felt like the one thing tethering me to this earth.
We started moving again, back down the quiet road with the city lights in the distance. While I couldn’t wait to be in his apartment, the time it would take to get there was required to calm my racing heart. My cock would have to be patient. This was Forest. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize what we were building.
Forest gripped my hand tightly, like I wasn’t the only one anticipating what was going to happen between us. We’d go at his pace and do what he was ready for. I’d mastered being patient. I’d wait however long it took to have Forest with me every night.
We were both aware of what it was like to be together, to go on a date, and spend time with one another. There was no going back, not that I wanted to.
18
FOREST
Oh god I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, I knew. I had a dick and enjoyed all the wonderful things it did, but I’d never enjoyed it with another man. This wasn’t just a random guy. This was Sheldon. A man who I wanted to shed my clothes in front of and slide into bed with. He said I could lead, but how, when I had no clue what to do?
I held his hand tightly all the way home, reluctant to let go when we arrived. We climbed the steps to my apartment while my heart raced against my ribs. I was surprised he couldn’t hear it. The sound was a beat in my head.
When Sheldon put his hand on the small of my back as I fumbled with my keys, I let out a very high-pitched squeak and jumped.
“Let me,” he said in that calm voice of his and unlocked the door. Sheldon had the code to my alarm, so he disabled that and brought me into the room. “We don’t have to do anything. I don’t want you to be nervous.”
“It’s normal to be a little nervous though.” I wasn’t convincing at all, especially as my voice shook. This was way beyond a little.
“You jumped when I touched you, even though you were aware I was right behind you.” I had no comeback for that.
Instead of opening my mouth and saying something ridiculous, I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I needed to calm down, to take a few breaths and relax.
