“I thought I’d have a million things to say.” I look around and wonder if anyone other than me has been down this way to see her.
“Truth is, I don’t know where to start. How do you talk to a stranger? I couldn’t do it when you were staring back at me with the same eyes as mine. And I can’t do it now, knowing one day I’ll look at my daughter with the eyes her grandmother once had.
“It feels like fate messed up with us somehow, or maybe we just read all the signs wrong. I don’t know anymore. What I do know is that it’s time to let you go.”
I run my fingers over the cold marble. “I hope you find peace in the next life. Bye, Mom.”
Forcing out a shaky breath, I turn and walk away. I won’t come back. I’m glad she’s not hurting anymore, but I don’t mourn her like a normal person would mourn their mother. We were never that. All I feel as I put distance between us is free.
Making my way to the other side of the cemetery where the mausoleums are, I contemplate what to do with my mother’s house. Do we still sell it, with no guarantee of who our neighbors would be, or burn it down like Banner wanted in the first place?
The wind picks up again as I move out of the sun and to the more shaded part of the plot. I tug my cardigan a little tighter and turn my attention to the colorful flowers adorning Alec’s grave, knowing they’re from Leanne. I feel a pang of guilt over the stark difference between this grave and my mother’s, but I shake it off. It’s not the same.
I take a seat on the grass and cast my eyes over his headstone.
Alec Bannerman
2001-2019
Forever 18.
Beloved Son and Brother.
I bring my knees up to my chest. “In another life, that would have said beloved father too. Part of me wishes you’d lived and grown old with that knowledge for the rest of your days. You killed our baby, Alec. And you left me to carry the shame and guilt when it was never mine to carry.”
I swallow around a lump in my throat, tugging my cardigan tighter. “I can’t visit our baby’s grave, or plant pretty flowers around her tombstone so she knows she was loved, so she knows I haven’t forgotten her. You took that from me. You took a lot of things from me. My innocence, my trust, my love. But that was the worst. You took everything I gave you and twisted it up untilit was this ugly, toxic mess. And still, I stayed because I didn’t know I deserved better. Not until you took her.”
I wipe my face when I feel my tears slip free. “You left behind a legacy of pain and destruction. Does that make you happy? Do you feel like a real man now? Because you shouldn’t. Real men build you up. They don’t break you down. They hold you together when the whole world feels like it is falling apart. Your brother taught me that. He’s everything you could have been and everything you’ll never be because you were weak, and he’s strong.”
I let out a shuddering sigh and look to the sky. “Imagine knowing the world is a better place without you in it. Katy’s safe, I’m free, Jake is happy, and your parents are finally realizing what a fucked-up piece of shit you were. Not that I have much sympathy for them. They watched a man become a monster and did nothing to warn anyone of the danger they were in.”
When the wind blows my hair around, I smooth it down, tucking it behind my ear. I look up at the sky, which is turning gray, and frown. I don’t remember rain in the forecast today. I get to my feet, feeling the chill in the air. Truthfully, there’s no reason to stay any longer. I’ve said everything I needed to say.
I let my memories of our time together wash over me —the good, the bad, and the absolutely tragic —and for once, it doesn’t bring me to my knees. I take a deep, soothing breath and blow it back out again.
Maybe I’ve been looking at it all wrong. Or perhaps the truth did set me free. Because I realize I am strong. All the times he made me feel small and weak, yet I’m the one who survived. I’m the one still standing, and God willing, I’ll be the one who ends up living a beautiful life.
“Well, Alec, thanks for the tickets to the shitshow. I hope your next performance involves you burning in hell.” I flip off the gravestone.
I turn to walk away but come to an abrupt stop when I see someone standing in front of me. I take a step back when I get a look at their face. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? What the fuck are you doing here? Come here to gloat, did you? Poor little Sorrow. Fuck you. Everything was fine until you came back. Now you ruined everything.”
I take another step back, my hand slipping into my pocket for my phone.
“He’s gone. He’s really fucking gone.”
I open my mouth, but before I can speak, I’m cut off again.
“How am I supposed to live without him?”
Before I can react, I’m shoved hard in the chest, and I’m falling. A scream rips from my lips before my head hits something hard with a sickening thud, and then I feel nothing at all.
Chapter Thirty-One
BANNER
“And this is what you really want?”
