He stares me down and I know he’s fighting the urge to grab me and shake me. But Midas moves up behind me, a threat and a warning all in one.
“I explained what happened. I didn’t hide our ugliness in all this.” He flinches as if I struck him. “I explained everything I could, but even so, part of her still believes that it was a brother who beat her. If you push too hard now, Kruger, she’ll disappear, and you’ll never see her again.”
“And what makes you think she won’t do that anyway?” he snarls.
I hold my hands to my belly in answer. “Because when she has a chance to heal a little, she’ll remember that my kiddo needs her aunt,” I choke out.
Eventually, he listens to me, and we all leave. Midas and I don’t speak. We go through the motions of getting home, undressed, and falling into bed. We lie in the dark, facing each other like always, even though I’m not sure I can bear to listen to him tonight. I stand by my decision to stay, but I hate myself for it. If I let it, this resentment I feel now toward Midas will fester and grow because the scales are unbalanced once more. He always takes from me more than he gives. He makes me feel stupid because I know I should leave. It’s what I’d tell everyone else to do, yet here I am, disloyal and pathetic, lying next to a man that jumps first before asking questions, consequences be damned.
“I ruined it all, didn’t I?” His gravelly voice cuts through the night, making me jump.
I don’t know how to answer him. I’m not sure there is anything to say that will fix this.
“She was my first real friend outside of an MC. She cared for me despite who I was, not because of it. I know you didn’t beat her or torch her place, but what you did was so far beyond the realm of okay that I don’t know how we move on from this.”
What happens if you turn on me? I think, but don’t say it out loud because it’s my greatest fear. I’ve already been at the end of his temper. What happens if words aren’t enough next time?
“Never. I know what you’re thinking. But I would never hurt you like that. I should have thought it through. I was blinded by my fear of something happening to you and the baby. I got tunnel vision, and I fucked up, but I’ll make it right, baby. I promise.”
“You can’t fix this with pretty words, Midas. Del is destroyed.”
“I can and I will. I fuck up a lot. More than most. But I know when I’m wrong. And this is me telling you, I’ll fix it. I swear on my mother’s grave.”
I swallow, fighting back tears. God, I want to believe him, but it’s so damn hard. Is this really love, or is it something more sinister? Does he like me because he can’t live without me or because he doesn’t want anyone to have me? These are the thoughts I can’t get out of my head, and it’s exhausting. How I feel was never questioned, but his professing to love me after holding me at arm’s length for so long is just so hard to believe.
“I’m fucked-up, Legs. I make fucked-up decisions because I’m selfish. I’ve had to put myself first all my life because nobody else has. And now that I’ve let people in, I don’t know how to adapt. I’m trying, but fuck knows, I could use an instruction manual.”
“We all have things that fucked us up, Midas. You either be better or become part of the fucking problem,” I snap, ready to roll away, but his hand on my hip stops me.
“I was ten the first time,” he whispers, making every hair on my body stand on end.
“Daddy doesn’t want you. Mama doesn’t want you, but I do. I’ll take care of you,” he murmurs, and though it’s his voice, I know those are not his words.
“He held me down and raped me, left me in a pool of my own blood, before threatening to slit my throat and that of the little girl that was living there too.”
I reach up to cup his face.
“Don’t,” he chokes out roughly, making me freeze. “Just let me finish first. And if you still want to touch me…” His voice trails off for a moment as tears run unchecked down my face.
“That was the first time I truly understood what evil was. It happened again and again. I tried to hide, fight back, and run, but none of it mattered. He was bigger and stronger. So I went looking for someone bigger and stronger to help me.”
“You went back to your father’s old MC,” I say softly.
“They turned me away. Told me to stop being a sissy boy and that I must like it if I hadn’t killed him already.”
My blood boils with indignation. I want to raze the world to the ground for the little boy everyone failed.
“What happened then?”
“That little girl I told you about? I found him raping her. He had his hands around her throat, strangling her. So I grabbed his gun, which he kept on his nightstand, and shot him in the back of the head. I became a murderer at twelve years old,” he huffs.
“Not a murderer. A savior.”
“I didn’t save anyone. He broke her thyroid bone and damaged her windpipe. She suffocated before the ambulance got there. I thought they were going to throw me in jail, but it was pretty obvious to everyone what happened. I was moved to another placement, and then another, and another. Everyone made me pretend it had never happened, and after the way the MC reacted, I never told another soul. Until now.”
“You were worried people would think the same, that somehow you liked it and it was your fault.”
He flinches again, his breathing coming out ragged.
