“I’m going to touch you now, Midas, okay? There is nobody else in this room but me and you.” I cup his jaw and lean my forehead against his. “It was not your fault. It was never your fault. And I’m so fucking sorry someone made you feel like it was. I want to kill them all for you,” I choke.
“Blade already did. I never told him outright, but I knew he’d figured it out when he handed me everyone’s obituaries.
“Well, he’s just made it to the top of my Christmas card list.”
He chuckles, but it’s painful to hear.
“I love you. I know that. Sometimes that’s all I know. And it’s only because I feel an echo of it, like a memory my mom left me, so I’d recognize my soul mate. But I’m a mess, so I fucked it up because that’s what I do. I get angry and lash out and hurt people so they don’t hurt me first. When you told me you were pregnant, it hurt that the kid wasn’t mine, but that was a fraction of what I was feeling. It was like history was repeating itself all over again, and I panicked. I couldn’t let the baby get hurt like that. I had to get you away from me, from the MC, even though I know Ravens are nothing like that.”
“It’s a trauma response, Midas. Logic goes right out the fucking window when terror steps into the room.”
He nods but doesn’t say anything else for a long time.
“I don’t deserve you, Legs. I’m tainted in a way that I can’t get clean, and I’m so scared I’m going to taint you too.”
I take a shaky breath before I lay myself bare. “I was fourteen when my mom died.” He freezes when I start talking. “She made a deal with Rock, the old Chaos Demons president. If he took care of me, I’d take care of him. I don’t know if she thought I’d become an old lady or if she always knew what she signed me up for.”
He reaches for me and tugs me closer so my bump is pressed against his stomach.
“He took my virginity a day later, and god, I hated every second of it. I hated him, but I had to pretend everything was okay because I felt like I was letting my mom down somehow.”
“Oh, Legs, fuck, baby.” He kisses my nose, my cheek, and my forehead before I find the strength to carry on.
“A handful knew my real age, but I was sworn to secrecy with the rest. It’s why I don’t say anything now, because some of those men I slept with would be horrified. They slept with a child. They’d hate me,” I whisper. “I have to pretend I’m twenty-nine so nobody catches on. I missed so many birthdays to protect others.” I shake my head. “Do you think I’m dirty now, Midas? That I’m tainted?”
“No, fuck no. You were a child.”
“Exactly. I was older than you, though. I get where your head is at more than you’ll ever know. The first time I orgasmed; I locked myself in the bathroom and cried all night because I thought they were right––that I deserved everything they did to me. That I was only good for one thing. As I got older, I found a way to regain some of my power. I got a chance to experiment and find out what I did and didn’t like. And when the shit elements were booted, I felt stronger. More confident in my skin. It only went skin deep, of course. I still fucked men for protection and a roof over my head. I was still a whore. But I stopped hating myself for it.”
“You figured out a way to make peace with it. You always were so fucking smart.”
“I’m not, though. I didn’t get to finish school because I had to pretend I already had, and I didn’t get to do driver’s ed for the same reason. Big chunks of my education and teenage experiences are missing. I eventually got my GED, but living on my own these last few months has been kind of a baptism by fire.”
“You are smart, Legs. Do you have any idea how much strength and wit it takes not just to survive something like that but to thrive in spite of it? And you’re still you, sweet, kind, compassionate, and so full of love. I’m in awe of you.” He presses his lips to mine, this time in a sweet, soft kiss.
I pull back and take a moment to evaluate things and view them with a different lens. I’m not forgiving him for all his sins because he has a tragic backstory. This isn’t some dark romance where his psychopathic tendencies make me swoon. Okay, well, that’s mostly true, but I have to find a way for history to stop repeating itself.
“I think you should talk to someone.”
“You mean like a shrink?”
“Yeah. I think we both should. I worry that this relationship has so many fractures that one hard crack will break us forever.” I bite my lip, stealing myself for his reaction, but it’s not the one I thought it would be.
“Will you come with me?”
This time, I can’t swallow my sob as something like hope blossoms inside me. “I’ll go anywhere with you.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Midas
The first appointmentwas the hardest. I sat frozen in place, unable to say anything at all. And when we left, I felt like a fucking asshole, like I let her down all over again.
But then, the next day, she took me with her to the hospital for her antenatal appointment. I got to see her baby—our baby—on the screen for the first time, and fell in love for the second time in my life. I couldn’t stop touching her belly after that, much to her amusement.
After that, things didn’t seem quite so bleak. And that’s why, now—on our fourth appointment—I open my mouth and let it all pour out of me. I squeeze Legs’s hand as she sobs beside me and I cry along with her. Surprisingly, I don’t feel ashamed for it. It feels cathartic, as if it’s been boiling over for years and now I’ve given it an outlet.
“You’ve made excellent progress, Midas,” Beverly, my therapist, says, handing the box of tissues to Legs.
