“He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t love you completely. Fuck, I stabbed him and he didn’t bat an eye. His only concern was you. Maybe try to think of that instead?”
“I’ll try. I always do. I… He’s everything to me. I tried to make myself love Ignacio again—and I do, certainly—but he’s not everything. Tennant is. And it’s hard letting go of the dream I’ve always carried. The one where I’ll marry the man I love, where we’ll put each other first, and have that other half of our soul. You’re my platonic soulmate, but Tennant? To me, he’s my romantic soulmate.
“If I could, I’d beg him to be what I've always dreamt of. Instead, I need to figure out a way to let go of that dream and be alright with what he can give me.” His tears fall heavier now as the wetness on my shirt grows. “Who needs dreams, right?”
My soul aches for him. I want him to have everything. I’d gladly step away from Tennant, so he can have his dream. Fuck knows that’s more important to me. But it’s not me that’s the problem this time, and I can’t fix what isn’t broken.
The relationship Tennant has with his lovers is beautiful. Maybe Benjamin will eventually see that. I hope so because I don’t think he’ll survive like this. Not long term. Setting aside your dream, and hell, your values, for someone else? It maysound good in theory, but over time, I can’t imagine it being sustainable.
I hug Benjamin closer, stroking his back as he sobs. Each one is a stab to my heart, but there’s nothing I can do except weather the storm with him. I always will. I may not be able to kill this pain, but fuck knows I’ll be right there beside him while he's feeling it. And maybe…maybe something will work out. Hell, I never expected we'd end up where we are anyway. Who knows what will come in the future?
When his tears subside, I urge him to get under the covers, before joining him. Neither one of us has been getting enough sleep. I pull him closer, snuggling him as I listen to his quiet laughter. The way he mutters, “Homicidal teddy bear,” warms my heart, because that’s who I am to him.
I’ll be here to hold him, to love him, as a best friend, and I’ll be his avenging angel when he needs me. I just wish this was one of those times I could actually do something to help…
“Don’t do it,” Roman warns.
I stare at him, wondering if he knows me at all. His caution only makes me want to say something more. “If people stopped being stupid, I wouldn’t have to step in.”
He scowls. “It’s not any of your business.”
“It is, though. Considering Tennant is mine.”
“Pretty sure you’ll have to argue that point with Benjamin. But…don’t make this any harder than it currently is.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He only winces a little now, though I watch him carefully to make sure he’s not hiding his pain.
Dr. Ranlen said he didn’t reinjure himself during his panic attack, but Roman hasn’t made it a secret that he’s tired of beingfussed over, so I wouldn’t put it past him to pretend he’s fine when he’s not.
“I’ll tell Hollis you bugged everyone’s rooms if you don’t leave Benjamin alone. I promise, it’s fine. Does it hurt knowing he’s not happy about my relationship with Ten? Yes, but…it’s something I expected once I knew how serious they were. And…I have a plan.”
I tilt my head in a silent question, but he acts as if he doesn’t understand, and I don’t feel like dragging said plan out of him. Roman is a big boy, and I’m not going to baby him. When he’s ready to talk, he will. In the meantime, I’ll be thankful he doesn’t want to. He’s fucking exhausting. Though he’s…matured in a lot of ways since the beginning of all this, becoming more and more comfortable in his skin, and blossoming into the person I got a glimpse of all those years ago.
I didn’t expect this to be what finally forced him to leave behind the box his father had put him in, but I can’t say I’m mad about it. The way I had planned to force him to accept the role I needed him to undertake would have been messy and far more work. This is easier. It means I can start putting things into place for my “just in case” plan.
There's a reason I allowed myself to get swept into the Amato fold all those years ago. Not simply because I was a fourteen-year-old wheelchair user, who would have been asked many questions had I struck out on my own.
Something called to me when I saw how Roman rolled with his kidnapping and losing a finger. He was so sure and confident in his Family's abilities, and I chose to follow him simply because he fascinated me, and I wanted to see what he turned into.
Carter being my uncle didn't hurt either. Even though I still don't know where I stand with him. We've never talked about Julian, or anything beyond my insistence that I wanted nothingto do with the De Luca Family. He's kept my secret all this time, and I probably won't kill him simply for that reason alone.
“Fine. I won't say anything to Benjamin, even though I think you're wrong.”
He rolls his eyes. “Thank you. We don't want to scare him off. I'm not sure he's realized that being with Ten means he getsyoutoo. Tennant would be pissed if you fucked things up for him.”
I give him a smile similar to his own. “I am adelight.”
He stares at me for a moment before laughing. “You're getting scarily good at that.”
“That's the point. Are you sleeping here tonight?”
“Please? I don't want to go back to the medical suite. Not after getting kicked out of Carter's room because ‘I need rest’. Thankfully, he has Marcus and Keegan, otherwise I never would have agreed.”
“I don't care. Make yourself comfortable,” I tell him unnecessarily, considering how he's already under the covers and is using most of the pillows to help with his injuries.
Roman settles into the bed and closes his eyes, sighing in exhaustion. His pale face shows off the dark circles under his eyes that speaks of a lot of sleepless nights. Even when I stayed with him in his hospital room, when no one else could, I knew every time he woke up, though he pretended to be sleeping.
This whole ordeal has taken its toll, and while it works out for me that he is finally stepping up, seeing him as the Head of the Amatos, rather than the carefree and stubborn boy who forced me to be his friend, is still a jarring transformation.
Roman is exactly who he was always supposed to be, but the speed at which it’s occurred isn't healthy for anyone. Too bad he chose me as a friend, as I'm the least qualified one to help him.Though I know who can.
