“My mother…she put me in a boarding school to hide me from my father, and to hide from me, because she didn’t want to admit she was sick.
“My father took me in, but he gave me to Cristian because he didn’t know how to parent. And I molded myself to be what Cris needed—wanted—because I had no other options. Hollis changed that. And with each and every lover who saw past the monster I am, pieces of me fell further into place.” Meeting his tear-filled gaze is hard, but I’ve never been one to back down, not from something so important.
“I don’t want you marrying Ignacio—or anyone else—not because I’m trying to control you, or take away your hopes and dreams, but simply because I am a man who loves you, and I don’t want to see you give yourself over to someone who doesn’t deserve you, just because you want a marriage. Maybe that’s selfish, and I’m sorry for not explaining it properly, but you didn’t ask any questions, either.”
He sniffs. “I was confused. You turned my world upside down, and I…don’t know who I am anymore. If the dreams I’ve had for so long are still viable, or if I can live with only some of you.”
I shake my head. “That’s the problem, Benjamin. I keep saying over and over and over again that you get all of me. Whether I’m physically with you or not, I do not separate myself into little pieces for my lovers, but instead, I carry them around with me at all times. You are what I live and breathe, and I thought I was the same for you. I thought this family we havewas as important and special to you as it is to me, but I guess not.”
He moves in, placing his hands on my chest, his fingers curling into the fabric of my shirt. “You’re everything to me, Tennant.Everything.I can’t lose you. I just don’t know how to be what you need me to be.”
Brushing my thumb across his cheek, I give him a small smile. “I just need you to be yourself. The rest of it? I can help you with. Hollis, Roman, Jude, and Lio will help as well. Because we’re a family. You don’t need all the answers right now, but I need to know you’re going to try, that you trust me, and that you won’t hurt—physically or emotionally—any of us. Because I can forgive most transgressions, Topolino, but I cannot, will not, save you from Hollis, should he believe you’re a danger.”
Benjamin’s eyes shine like sea glass, and I wait with dread filling my heart as he contemplates my words. He lets out a shaky breath, but finally nods. “I can’t promise to change overnight. Too much has happened…so much pain and hopelessness. I was a possessive person before…before Jax, but after him… I know what it feels like to have your love used against you. To face down living without the one you long for, so…I latched onto you hard, more than I should have. I let the worst parts of me come out, and I allowed all of my fears and insecurities to take over. Why would you want me when you have all of them? Why am I not good enough?”
“You’re perfect, Topolino. You’re more than enough… But I have to ask the same question. Why am I not good enough? Why do I need to be anyone except who I am in order to get you to love me? It’s quite the stalemate, one I don’t know how to fix without hurting us all.”
He swallows. “I want to be yours. I want what you have, the complete security and knowledge that your family will be there to pick you up when you fall. I just don’t know how to let go.”
I give him a small smile. “I can help with that.Wecan help with that. But…you have to try, Benjamin. Really, truly try, and come to me when you need reassurance. I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken.”
“Okay,” he whispers. “I will. I promise. And…I’ll somehow make it up to Lio and Hollis too.”
“Just don’t stab Emilio and Hollis will be fine. Though, don’t be upset that Lio told us about your conversation. We pushed him because we knew he was hiding something, and that is unacceptable.”
He smiles slightly. “As I’m learning now.”
I lean in and kiss him lightly. “Yes.”
Benjamin throws his arms around my neck and keeps me in place. “I really do love you.”
I really hope you do.“I’m not saying it again, that was a one-time deal.”
He laughs. “I know. It’s enough.”
God, I hope it is. I don’t know if I’ll survive a broken heart.
Isit in my chair, crushed. My hands shake and I clench them into fists, trying desperately to hold myself when everything is spinning out of control. My heart and mind are locked in a fight, and I’m not sure my soul can survive the devastation it’ll leave in its wake. I try to force the panic down, but it won’t work. Hot tears fall, and I struggle to breathe. I claw at my chest, the anxiety attack is fucking worse than what I went through after Jax.Fuck.
The knowledge that I’ve almost lost Tennant…and hell, my best friend as well. Shuddering, I close my eyes, trying to block out the fear and guilt.
“Benjamin!”
My eyes snap open, and a new wave of tears fall when I see it’s Lio. He doesn’t hesitate to take me in his arms, holding me tight, as if he can keep the pieces of me from falling apart. Isob into his suit jacket, grasping it tight. Fuck. I don’t deserve him, and shame chases me, making it impossible to speak as the feelings choke me.
“Love, please, talk to me,” Lio begs frantically. “Or…should I get Tennant? He’s really good at emotions.”
I snort as the tears finally slow and my strength gives out. Thankfully, Lio is right there to take my weight. I don’t deserve him, but fuck am I grateful for him. With a sigh, I push myself back upright and swipe at my eyes, not even giving a shit that my mascara is likely ruined.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I cup his cheek and rest my forehead against his, soaking up the gentle strength he gives me. I lean back, only to note the confusion in his eyes.
“Why are you sorry?” He tilts his head, studying me.
I swallow and take a deep breath, before slowly blowing it out. I force myself to meet his gaze as I lay my heart on the line. “I never should have said I wanted to stab you. And I sure as fuck shouldn’t have thought it. I know you. You’d never hurt me. I…I was jealous. I’m trying to get over it—Iwillget over it. Still, I’m sorry for even letting that thought cross my mind.”
Lio waves my apology away, shaking his head as he drops his eyes. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Benjamin. You told me the truth. And hell, you probably should want to stab me more often.”
Growling, I grab his chin and force him to look at me. “You are incredibly loyal. Loving. And way too forgiving. I was wrong. I just…can’t figure out what Tennant means, and how to accept what he’s offering.”
