He sighs and stirs his spoon in the yogurt. “I'm fucking useless. I can't be there for you because I'm stuck in this fucking room. I get visitors, but it's not the same. I am missing so much. I heard about Marcus and Antonio’s excursion, and everything in me wished I could have been there for them. Yes, they should have brought it to the Bosses and Seconds, but fuck, I don't blame them for wanting to take action. I can't support you with Carter because, again, stuck in this fucking room.”
He sighs, and for a moment, I worry he's going to throw the bowl across the room, but he just slumps.
I set my food aside and then his, grabbing his hands—hating that I can only use my fingers minimally because of the stupid fucking cast—and forcing him to look at me. “I love you, so fucking much. I haven't been that scared in a long time. Knowing that, because of me, you might have died? The guilt still crushes me sometimes. I don't know how you can sit here with me and not hate me, but I don't deserve your love. Please, for me, don't do anything that will prevent you from getting better. I don't know how I'd live without you. You've become my everything in such a short period of time. So please, don't take yourself away from me.”
He releases one of my hands to smooth his palm over my cheek. “Never. I’m yours, Roman. Always. I’m sorry. I just hate feeling so fucking useless.”
I give him a watery smile. “How can you be useless when you hold my heart safe for me? That’s an important job, you know. I don’t trust just anyone with it, no matter how it may seem.”
“No…” He shakes his head. “I know you don’t. You're sweet, and have such a big heart, but I know you don’t entrust it to just anyone. That you’ve given it to me…I don’t know if I’m worthy of such a gift, but I’m going to try my hardest to be what you need me to be.”
A few tears slip from my eyes and I cover his hand with mine. “I love you, and you’re more than I ever dreamed. I love Hollis, Tennant, and Jude. Lio, too. But with you… Fuck, Ignacio, you’ve given me more than I ever thought I wanted. You don’t get to take that away, okay?”
His eyes are dark and soft, and I’m struck once more by the sheer beauty of him. Il Padrone’s Chaos…so formidable and strong, and he’s so very sweetly mine. It’s a gift I don’t deserve, not with how fucked up my life is. Not when my father is the one who almost killed him, and I can’t ever promise him monogamy.
When he touches me, though, and looks at me like I hung the fucking moon and stars, I want to somehow deserve that devotion.
“I’ll do better. I'll listen to Jayden, and try not to push myself too much. I can’t promise to be perfect, but I will try. Okay, Little One?”
“Okay. Thank you. Ti voglio qui con me per molto tempo, Amore Mio.”
He tries to lean forward to kiss me, but grimaces as the move tugs at his wound wrong. Rolling my eyes, I grab his face and hold him still, kissing him softly, sighing into his mouth when he deepens it. The touch and feel of him, the taste that’s so uniquely Ignacio.
This is what love feels like.
I don’t know how, but I managed to find not one, but four people who love me unconditionally, who allow me to beme, and who don’t have a problem with me finding what I need—want—with other people.
I don’t deserve this.
The thought barely has time to take root before the kiss breaks and Ignacio smiles at me, soft and sweet, and so fucking loving it makes me want tocry.
“You gonna tell me what’s going on with Jayden now?” I ask softly.
He groans, and I swear a blush creeps over his cheeks. “It’s…stupid.”
“Hey, come on, it’s me. You can be honest. I think, of all people, I know what it’s like being into multiple people.”
Ignacio shakes his head. “Jayden…he’s so fucking in control, and his sheer presence is palpable. But, it doesn’t matter. I have you, and whatever he may or may not make me feel is irrelevant.”
“Don’t do that,” I chide gently. “If you need something, Ignacio, you can tell me. You know that, right? I’ll be more upset if you’ve kept something from me; that you’ve denied yourself, than whatever you have to say.”
He takes a slow breath and looks at me with conflicted eyes. “You know I can’t treat you like a toy. I…Il Padrone treated us all like Toys at one point or another before we became Boys, and…I simply can’t.”
“And that’s okay. I know it’s a hard limit for you. I would never ask you to give more than you’re able. I have other lovers, other ways to get what I need. I don’t ever want to open up old wounds. Though it does make me want to stab the asshole.”
He gives me a small smile. “I’m okay. It was a long time ago, but…the whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth, is all. That being said…it wasn’t all bad. Yes, being punished and thrown in the black room wasn’t fun, but…I did enjoy the sexual pain and pleasure. I liked when he took control, how he could give the sweetest pain mixed with pleasure—his and ours.”
“And that’s something I can’t give you,” I say softly.
“Which is okay. It’s as you said, you get something from your other lovers that you can’t get from me, and you also give me things I never had with anyone else.”
“Jayden can give you what you need,” I tell him.
He sighs. “I don’t know. But…when he calls mePrincess, reminds mehe’sthe one in control, and doesn’t seem affected by anything I say or do…it stirs certain things in me, things I never had to think about because we were always submissive to Il Padrone.”
“But now you want the chance tochooseto bend for Jayden.”
“Something like that. But I amyours, Roman. It doesn’t matter what Jayden might stir up in me. Or that he said I could earn his cock. Nothing will ever take me away from you. I don’tcare if you have four or four hundred lovers outside of me. You’re my priority, you have been since the very beginning.”
