Panic claws at me from the inside, scattering the shards of a soul that was once whole, but now isn’t. My love for those around me is nothing but toxic, and I forced them all to drink it. And now? Now it’s the only thing sustaining me.
But what choice do I have? I must carry on. I can’t give up, or turn my back on my father’s expectations. Because if I do, I’ll prove him right. That I wasn’t strong enough to hold the Family, that I couldn’t make it. So the chains I carry will have to stay where they are, because I have no other choice. Freedom will never, ever be an option.
Diving into the water, I focus on racing from one end of the pool to the other. I push myself to go faster on each lap, letting my muscles burn from the exertion. Anything to distract me from the way my mind wants to obsess over seeing Allesandro again.
Fuck. I can’t imagine what that will be like. If he’ll respect me as a Boss, or if he’ll show signs of missing me. Who the hell knows? He may be so wrapped up in Cristian that I don’t matter to him anymore. Or if he misses me, it’s simply as a toy. Growling through my labored breathing, I kick harder, letting the water sluice over me.
I’m not sure how long I stay in the pool swimming laps, but by the time I stop, I’m breathing heavily and struggling to tread water. Yet, it’s barely cooled me down. I bring my hand downfast, creating a splash that mimics the bleeding in my heart—the unravaged splatter going everywhere.
“Hey! I didn’t plan on getting wet. This suit is dry clean only for a reason.” I jerk my head over to see Antonio. It figures he’d be the one in here bitching at me.
“What do you want?” I attempt to glare at him, but it’s useless, especially when he just rolls his eyes at me.
He’s sitting on one of the chaise longues, and he runs his fingers through his hair as he stares at me. I narrow my eyes at him and he winces, trying to pat down any hair that he may have fucked up. I’m not used to seeing him this nervous.
“I came to apologize,” he says stiffly as he messes with the cuff of his suit, his lips pulled downward.
I stare in shock, silence lingering between us. With a huff, I drag myself out of the pool, my body growing sorer with every movement. I grab the towel I had set out and walk to the chaise longue next to his, perching on the edge of it. He swivels his body and stares at me directly. “It was wrong of me to try and push you. It’s not my call.”
I don’t say anything for a moment. Fuck, I’m not even sure what to say. This isn’t the way we typically interact. Clenching my hands into fists, I rest my forearms on my knees and lean forward. “Jude is good for you.”
Antonio laughs, and I sit back further, relaxing. “He is…and, if I can make an observation…”
“What?” I ask warily, unsure what to make of this new version of Antonio.
“Perhaps you should give Hollis and Tennant time to be good for you.” Antonio’s brown eyes bore into mine, pleading for me to understand. “Especially, if you’re going to put yourself in front of Allesandro so soon.”
Huffing, I tilt my head toward him. “First, I don’t even want to know how you always know what’s going on. Second…I’m trying.”
“Do more than try.” He hesitates for a moment before continuing. “You know, I was always proud of how I was considered Il Padrone’s most loyal Boy? Before you came along, of course.”
Smiling wryly at him, I retort, “Yes, I know very well. It hasn’t been that long since we were at odds over him.”
“Ah, yes, jealousy. So much fun… Not.” We both laugh softly, listening as it echoes through the pool room. Sighing, he brings my attention back to him. “Look, I say that because I want you to understand. Allesandro…he twists people up. He makes us into who he wants us to be. You, more than anyone, know what that’s like. The rest of us? We were all in this life, to some degree or the other, before we fell into his trap. But I remember you—a fresh-faced college kid. I couldn’t understand what Il Padrone would even see in you.
“Sorry, I really am not meaning to insult you. I’m just… Look. He picked you—an innocent—and then he warped you. And yes, Peter sure the fuck had an impact as well, but out of all of us Boys, you were the one who fell the furthest.”
I let the words settle between us. He’s not wrong per se, yet he doesn’t feel completely right either. “I know he’s tough. But…I don’t regret where I’m at now. That’s the thing, Peter would have kidnapped me regardless. At least, my time with Master gave me the strength to survive that happening. It kept me together. And afterward…yeah, I may have had a more difficult path, in some ways, but I love him.”
Antonio shakes his head and leans forward, touching my hand. “Lio… Boss. Look, I know none of us can go back in time. I wouldn’t want to. Despite everything, I’m happy where I’m at. I just… Hell, you never had any relationships before Allesandro.
“Give yourself time. That’s what I really want you to do. Give yourself time. Let us be your support. I know Allesandro can have pretty words at times. Don’t give in. Not yet. Not until you truly feel he deserves it—and most importantly, understand that no matter what he does, he’s never going to truly deserve you. Embrace being a Boss, be true to who you are, and just know…I’m—we’re—here.”
Antonio bounces up on his feet before walking away quickly, not giving me an option to respond. I stare out at the water, but not even the calmness can help slow my racing mind.
Fuck. I’ve already sparred today, and swimming didn’t help. Now, what the fuck do I do? Because there’s no way I’m going to get any sleep. He may have apologized, but fuck if he didn’t drop words than leave a crater behind. Who am I without my Master? And what does it mean if I let go of the hope that we’ll be reunited…
Standing up, I hesitate, unsure of what to do. He pointed out Tennant and Hollis, and damn, I’m not even sure what to say about those two. They give me far more than I can ever repay. And yet, that makes it worse in some ways. I don’t understand them. I don’t understand what they want with me of all people. Hell, they have plenty already, why go for the broken toy?
Growling, I push my wet hair back, hating every bit of these feelings that are cascading through me. Fuck knows it’s Antonio’s fault for putting these thoughts in my head. At least, with Master I knew where I stood. Or I did until he broke the fucking rules.
Trusting Hollis and Tennant to not break me… I don’t know if I can go there. Not again. Hell, I don’t even know what I feel for them, not really. Whatever it is, it isn’t good enough. That’s all I’m positive about. Slumping, I shake my head, trying to push away the bitterness.
Fuck. I wish I could be more like Roman. The openness he has…it’s something I can’t do. And shit, I’m not like Antonio either. I can’t just go to my knees, trusting it’ll work out. Or Benjamin, who is strong enough to walk away. I’m less than all of them, yet I’m supposed to be a Boss?
Fuck. I grit my teeth against the swirling anger inside me and head to the shower. Maybe I’ll get lucky and drown in there, because fuck knows it has to be easier than figuring out Antonio’s riddles… And I refuse to think of it as anything more than a riddle.
Isnag the Little Monster as soon as he emerges from the pool area. He jumps, pulling a knife on me, but I’m faster, stronger, and wiser than he is. If I had a nickel for every knife Hollis has pulled on me over the years…
