Luna whined, and then there was a wet snout nudging my hand. I slid my palm against the side of her face, feeling the softness of her fur. She rubbed against me, just like I wanted to do with Cain.
That only made me feel worse. Made me feel like I was actually an animal, that I really, truly wasn’t human.
“It’s okay. It’s okay to not know, Bowen. I’m sorry, I didn’t think…I never wanted to make you upset. I don’t ever want to hurt you, or upset you, or make you feel like you have to know things. It’s alright.”
“It’s not alright, you can’t—I don’t?—”
I reached up to swipe at the wetness on my face. My vision was blurring, and I could barely speak past the huge lump in my throat.
But he had to know. He’d done so much for me already, and he deserved to know the truth.
I slid down the wall, unable to hold myself up anymore.
“I’m a monster, Cain. And one day, I won’t come back from it. I won’t bemeanymore.”
Chapter 12
Cain
I’m a monster.
He really believed that.
Fucking hell, my heart was breaking for him. I wanted to go over there and pick him up, hold him against me, and spend however long I needed to reassure him that he wasn’t a monster, that I wasn’t afraid of what he might do, that he deserved to be rid of those awful things.
But I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to touch him right now, and that stung more than I wanted to admit.
“You’re not a monster. You’re Bowen. You’re just Bowen, and you’re going to stay Bowen. Okay?”
His face crumpled, and he drew his knees up so he could drop his head onto them as the sobs racked his body. They were loud and full of despair, and I couldn’t leave him like that. I scooped him up and carried him to the couch, and he wrapped himself around me so tight that I could feel every tremor vibrate through his body into mine. He let me hold him and turned his face into my chest, wailing and choking and sobbing and wheezing as I rubbed his back and spoke to him in a soft, quiet voice.
Dad always told me that crying was a way to get the hurt in your heart out of your body so it wouldn’t hurt so much inside.I didn’t cry a lot, but I’d never cried the way Bowen did, at least not since Dad died.
He must have a world of hurt in his heart.
I didn’t know how long he cried like that, but I patiently held him and let him get it all out. When his sobs grew quieter and he wasn’t trembling as much, I wanted to chase away whatever sorrow still lingered.
I wanted to see him smile, to hear him laugh. I didn’t want him to be afraid anymore—of anything. I wanted him to know he didn’t have to be.
I brushed his hair away from his face, my fingers sliding through all the tears he’d shed. “It’s okay to be afraid, but you don’t have to be. You deserve this. You deserve to be rid of these things that hurt you. You deserve good things.”
If he didn’t believe it now, I’d keep telling him until he did.
“You don’t know the things I’ve done,” he choked out.
“I don’t need to. I already saw that you had no control over what was happening to you, and that you were terrified of it. I can see how scared you are right now, too, and that tells me everything I need to know. It tells me you’re definitely not a monster. Monsters don’t get scared and they don’t care what happens to other people. You’re Bowen, and you’ve been through hell, and now I’m gonna let you heal. Let you have a life you can enjoy. That’s all I need to know and allyouneed to know.”
I could see in his eyes how desperately he wanted to let himself believe that. I understood his hesitation, why he kept his guard up; the real monsters in his life had done nothing but hurt him without a care for so long, he had no reason to believe that anything good could happen. Thathecould be good. Have something good.
I’d spend a lifetime convincing him, if that’s what it took.
“And besides,” I said in a lighter tone. “Don’t you want to bite my fat bottom lip?”
His eyes lowered to my mouth, and he licked his lips. “Yes. I really, really want to.” He sniffled and stared at my mouth like he’d been mesmerized, and I laughed.
“Good. Because I want you to do that. You don’t have to be nervous, I’ll be right here to help you. That makes you feel a little better, right? Knowing you won’t be alone? That I’ll be here to help in case anything happens?”
His gaze slowly raised to mine, and he nodded.
