He brushed his thumbs along my cheekbones and said, “Good. I think it’s safe for me to guess that you never had anyone to help you through things before, right?”
I nodded.
“But you do now. You’ve got me. So I’m gonna help you. Okay?”
I nodded again, still breathing deeply as he gazed into my eyes. His voice, his eyes, his hands—every part of him surrounded me, reassured me, walled me in with an unwavering confidence that slowed the frantic beat of my heart.
“Good. Whatever you need, I’m gonna make sure you get it. And I’m gonna make sure you don’t hurt yourself, either. I’ll be right there with you, so you don’t have to be afraid. You’re not going to hurt me, Bowen.”
I glanced at his forearm, the one I’d slashed yesterday. “I already did.”
“Hardly. You just caught me by surprise. If I think I need to restrain you because you might hurt me, I will. But I don’t want to. You’ve been…” His gaze flitted from the muzzle to the collar and back to my eyes, “…restrained for too long, and I just…I can’t bring myself to do that to you. Not unless it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t know, not even then, maybe. But it won’t be necessary.”
He couldn’t know that. Hecouldn’t. He hadn’t seen the monster I was capable of becoming.
Why had I agreed to this? Why had I even wanted it off in the first place? I’d lived just fine with it on, it didn’t need to come off.
I felt nauseous now just thinking about it. Thinking that it might happen again. That I’d be so out of my mind I would do that to him. Just the possibility of it was horrifying.
“Bowen.”
His deep voice was hard and loud, like thunder, rolling right past the fears that were dragging me under and taking hold of me, pulling me out.
“I can handle you, okay? Do you trust me?”
“No.”
I regretted the word as soon as it popped out of my mouth, but it just came out. His face fell and a crushing sadness that I hated—hated—to see took over. Spread.
I kept hurting him and making him sad, and knowing that was like?—
I couldn’t breathe?—
“Wait, that’s not—I mean, I just?—”
“Whoa, slow down—Bowen, you’re okay. It’s okay.” His big hands were on my face again, and I wrapped my fingers around his wrists, holding him against me as he stared into my eyes. I wasn’t letting him pull away, I needed his hands, I needed them.
“I—I?—”
“Breathe. Stop trying to talk and breathe. Keep your eyes on me.” He inhaled, raising his brows at me, urging me to do the same. He was so close his nose was practically touching mine.
In.
Out.
I didn’t know if I trusted him. I hadn’t ever thought about it. I didn’t think about a lot of things, not like that. I had never cared about anyone else, I just made sure I got through the day, that I survived. That was all I ever needed to think about.
Trust? I’d never thought about trust or how another person could even be trusted. To do what? To be what? How did you trust someone when no one had ever given you a reason to?
“It’s okay,” he said softly, smiling in spite of the hurt in his eyes. “You don’t have to trust me, and I understand why you don’t. I just hope you know that I would never hurt you. You know that at least, right?”
He searched my eyes, like this was even more important than his question about trust.
All these questions were making me feel so inadequate, sostupid, because I didn’t know how to answer them. I didn’t know! I didn’t know how I felt! I didn’t know if I could trust him or if he would never hurt me!
“I don’tknow!” I growled, pushing his hands away and jumping down from the table. There was an agitated energy humming through me, and I didn’t know what to do with it. How to get rid of it or stop it from building. “I don’t know if I can trust you, I don’t know if you’ll never hurt me! I want to believe that you won’t, but I. Don’t.Know, Cain!”
I was screaming by the end of my tirade, and suddenly all the energy that had risen up from some place deep inside me dissipated, vanishing like smoke. I leaned against the wall, exhausted. Drained. Wanting to find a dark corner to curl up in.
