“The chapter on ‘female hysteria’ is particularly enlightening.”
“I’ll be sure to study up.” He sets it down carefully. “Thank you. I love it.”
The sincerity in his voice makes my chest ache. Tears prickle my eyes, and I have to glance away.
“Felix, something’s wrong. Talk to me.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“You’re a terrible liar. You’re doing that thing where you’re fiddling with your earlobe.”
I immediately stop fiddling with my earlobe. “I don’t have a tell.”
“You have lots of tells. Want me to list them?”
“Not really.”
He shifts closer, and my traitorous body wants to melt into him. “Whatever’s bothering you, we can work through it.”
“Can we though?” The words slip out before I can stop them.
“What do you mean?”
I think about what I overheard, about Sophie asking how he can stand to look at me. About his admission that it’s difficult sometimes.
This amazing man, who saves lives and who spent three hours in the dark keeping me alive with just his voice.
I love him. God, I love him so much it feels like my ribs might crack from trying to contain it. I love how he makes me feel so safe, how he laughs, and the way he hums when he cooks. I love how he pretends Emmy’s tea parties are serious business and how he can’t sleep unless his feet are outside the covers.
I love him, and he finds me difficult to look at.
“Do you ever think about what we’re doing here?” I ask finally, lifting my gaze to his. “This whole friends-with-benefits thing?”
Jared swallows. “All the time.”
My heart stutters. “And?”
He bites his lip, not taking his eyes off me. “And I think it’s the best thing in my life right now.”
My heart immediately swells at his words before crumpling like tissue paper in water. The best thing in his life right now. Which means it has an expiration date.
“Right now,” I echo. “But not forever.”
“Felix…”
“I know what I look like, Jared.” The words tumble out faster now. “I know I’m not the kind of guy someone like you ends up with long-term. I’m fun for now, I get it. The scarred guy with the tragic backstory who makes you laugh. But eventually, you’llwant someone you can actually stand to look at without it being difficult.”
Jared sucks in a sharp breath.
“It breaks me when you talk about yourself like that,” he says.
The gentleness in his voice, the pity, causes anger to flare inside me. It’s so sharp it’s painful.
Annie’s voice is in my head:You deserve better than this.
My hands curl into fists. “What the fuck is stopping you then?” My voice is low.
“What?”
