“He left. He abandoned me. And yet, no matter what, my heart still goes crazy every single time I see him. I thought I loved Steve enough to overcome these feelings, but I don’t. I love him, I swear I do, but I’m not in love with him. Every now and then he does something that reminds me of Vincent, and my brain just short-circuits. They’re like little reminders that I’ll never get him out of my head. It’s like a disease.”
Maggie runs her fingers through my hair, twirling one of my green braids. “Did I ever tell you that when you first said you were dating Steven, I had to shut myself in my room and laugh for ten minutes straight?”
I sit up and face her again. “What? Why?”
“Because you two look more like brother and sister,” she shrugs.
I let out a sigh and take my mug of milk back in my hands. At the same time, on TV, Phil Dunphy starts singing the opening lines ofTotal Eclipse of the Heart, and the rest of the characters join in.
My eyes widen as I look up at the screen, Vincent’s voice echoing in my head, singing that very same song to help me fall asleep. I remember when he gave me Bonnie Tyler’s CD and told me that song reminded him of me.
All the times we... God, why does it have to be this hard?
“You okay?” Maggie asks, pausing the episode.
I just nod, sitting cross-legged on the couch. Of course I’m okay. I just have to do something awful for the sake of the people I care about.
“I have to break up with Steve,” I murmur, leaning against the backrest with my eyes closed. “I know leaving him right before the surgery is the most selfish thing in the world, but I’m not going to do anything with Vincent. I just want to stop hurting both of them with this relationship because it’s not fair for me to be with him when I’m in love with someone else, and it’s not fair for him to be strung along by me like this...”
“You’d be showing real maturity by ending it. I promise,” she reassures me, getting up and heading to the kitchen.
I sigh, sipping my milk. “But what if he...”
Maggie comes back with a plate of donuts Vincent’s aunt made for me.
She hands me one, which I accept instantly, then lays a napkin across her lap and starts breaking hers into small pieces. I don’t look at her while she keeps tearing the donut into bits, nor when she pauses with a piece in her hand, staring at it for a long moment before taking a small bite.
I go on eating mine, trying to figure out how to face my problems, while she tries to face hers sitting right next to me.
She leans toward me, our legs brushing. She always does that when we’re together, as if searching for my presence without saying it out loud.
I rest my face in the crook of her neck, pretending I’m the one who needs comfort, when all I want is for her to feel I’m right here with her.
After a while, she sets the rest of the donut on the table and gives me a reassuring look. “It’ll hurt him. After all, you’ve been together for years, but he was your friend before anything else. Maybe at first he won’t understand, he’ll be hurt, he’ll say things he doesn’t mean, but eventually he will understand. Deep down, I think he knows things aren’t working anymore, and besides, we’ll all be here for him. You know that.”
“I’m not planning on making a move on Vincent—”
Maggie cuts me off immediately. “Hey, hey... I know. You don’t need to justify yourself. Not with me.”
“I know, but... Can’t you come to the party with me?” I almost beg.
She lets out a small laugh and shakes her head. “This is between you two. It wouldn’t be right if I were there.”
“I’m scared,” I admit.
She nods. “I get it. That’s normal.”
“And I want to drop out of college,” I blurt suddenly, changing the subject. The truth is, I’ve got so much swirling in my head I can’t even tell what my biggest problem is anymore. What torments me most, or what I should try to solve first.
“Go on. Don’t stop halfway.” she encourages.
Okay. “My grades suck and I don’t like studying. I mean... yeah, I like the idea of working with animals. You know the only thing I really love is taking care of them, but I don’t think I’m cutout to be a vet. And I don’t think my trust fund money will last... not if I want to...” I freeze.
“If you want to...?”
I set the mug down on the table next to her half-eaten donut and start fiddling with the hem of my denim shorts. “If I want to hire a lawyer and try to get custody of Asher,” I finally confess, getting this weight off my chest.
Maggie’s eyes light up the second the words leave my lips, and she looks at me with pride. “Really, Nova? You mean it?”
