My throat tightens, but I nod. “I think about... God, I don’t even know what I believe anymore. It’s unfair. Steven doesn’t deserve this. This is a stupid thought.”
Her eyes narrow, sharp. “Just a stupid thought? Are you sure it isn’t a feeling you can’t control?”
I shrug helplessly. “I don’t...”
“You want me to be honest?”
“Please.”
“I think even the stones have realized you’re in love with him.”
“I love Steven,” I try, weakly.
“Yes. But you’re notin lovewith him, Nova,” she cuts me off, brutally straightforward as always. “You love him like you love me, or Will, or Sam, or Max, or Aurora. Not like you love Vincent. I was there when it all started. I remember the ice cream, the tears, the calls. You clung to Steven because he was what you had closest to Vincent after he left. You confused taking care of him with love. And maybe the best thing you can do for Steven is tell him the truth.”
I open my mouth, but she doesn’t let me. “You know what Steven doesn’t deserve? For you to lie to him like this.”
“I know, I—”
“And you know whatyoudon’t deserve?”
Tears sting my eyes. I nod.
Her hand slides a lock of hair behind my ear as she pulls me into her arms. “To stay with someone you’re not in love with, just to protect him and hurting yourself in the process. You have to start thinking about yourself.”
Her voice softens as she strokes my hair. “Be selfish for once, Nova. You give and give and give until there’s nothing left. But you... you deserve more than empty pretending.”
I giggle weakly, wiping at my cheeks, trying to mask the ache in my chest. “It’s just that...”
“That you can’t explain the thing happening between you and Vincent? It’s beyond love. Beyond reason.”
My silence is the answer.
“It all came back, didn’t it? The second you saw him again.”
I nod, my voice breaking. “I thought I was over it. Overhim. But every time he looks at me the way he used to, or says my name in that voice... when his fingers brush against my elbow and I shiver. When he plays Nirvana and bites his cheek because he’s so focused. When he scribbles lyrics on his sneakers or chokes on potato chips, or when he sticks breadsticks in his mouth to imitate Edward Cullen just to make me laugh. Every time he hugs me. Every time he’s just... Vincent. And every time I think about him, I feel like I’m betraying Steven. Like I’m destroying us.”
Maggie listens in silence, combing through one of my green braids with her fingers.
I scream softly into a pillow, muffling the sound. “He left me. He abandoned me. And still, I can’t stop thinking about him all the time.”
“You just have to be honest with your heart” she murmurs. “Nova, things between you and Steven aren’t working regardless of Vincent.”
I peek up at her. “You noticed?”
“We all noticed. You fight too much, and not even about the right things. Does he know anything about your life anymore? Your internship, your grades, your doubts?”
“I didn’t find the time to...” I hesitate a little before answering, scratching a spot at the base of my neck. “No, I didn’t tell him.”
“Perfect. And do you know what’s going through his head? Do you know why he’s constantly angry and always snaps at Max? Do you know how the checkups before the surgery are going? Do you know how he’s doing? Do you know why he keeps ignoring you and locking himself in the kitchen to bake?”
I shake my head, shame burning me.
She intertwines our hands. “And with Vincent? How’s with him?”
“It’s hard... but at the same time, it feels like the most natural thing in the world,” I sigh, lying down on the couch and resting my head on her lap. I clutch at my Wonder Woman T-shirt and close my eyes.
“It makes me feel like... I don’t know. Like thousands of fireworks exploding in my stomach whenever we’re close. We say more than we should even when we’re not speaking. I don’t know how to fight these feelings, and I wish I could. Last time...” I let out a small, muffled scream and press a pillow over my face.
