“I’m sorry, Brody,” I muttered, wishing I had gone to visitmy uncle instead. It had been more than a few weeks since I’d gone, which was unusual for me.
Brody uncrossed his legs and stood up, making for the refrigerator, from which he pulled out a crisp apple. “Nah, it’s okay,” he said, taking a bite and sitting at the barstool next to the kitchen island.
I took a quick look at him. He really did seem unperturbed by it.
When we had been kids, there had been an easy camaraderie between us. When my mom had died, Brody had gotten a brother he hadn’t bargained for. Living with him, staying in the next room, twenty-four/seven. In spite of everything, I could sense that subtle undercurrent of competition from him. Competition for his parents’ affection, which was suddenly being showered on me.
None of that jealousy had lasted into our adulthood—thankfully. He was far more secure today than I’d ever seen him, and I was glad he was spending time with his dad even if he got so little out of it. If anything, he got a lot of hurt when he was constantly reminded that his father didn’t remember him. But he still continued to go.
“Dad did ask about Mom though,” Brody said, trying to keep his voice casual.
Our eyes met, and I smiled. “I’m glad he remembers her.”
His parents’ love story was one that we’d heard many times over, growing up. It was one I kept tucked away in a corner of my mind, especially because my own parents’ story was anything but lovable. Without a word of explanation, my dad had left my mom when I was very young and when she was unemployed. He never even showed up for Mom’s funeral when Brody’s father reached out to him. I’dwritten Dad out of my heart ever since then and always wanted a relationship like Brody’s parents.
Brody nodded. “I’m pretty sure he won’t ever forget her.”
I walked over to the window and looked out. The city of New York stretched out in front of me. Somewhere in the glowing, flickering lights in the distance was Ava, heading to a location on 27th Avenue, where she’d see a brand-new restaurant called The Galley. She’d soon hear from a lawyer and learn that she was now the owner of this restaurant and that, apart from the new location, nothing else had changed. It would take six months to get it up and running, but once it was, she’d still be the one in charge. She’d have all the mixed feelings and not know what to do about it all. She’d be too proud to call me or thank me. She wouldn’t even try. And after what I’d put her through, I wouldn’t blame her.
I brought my closed fist down on the windowsill and cursed. “Damn it, Brody. I really thought this was it with Ava. That she was the one. I thought I’d found true love—or whatever stupid shit the world calls it these days. You know, the kind of love your dad has for your mom. But every time I get close to commitment, I get a sharp, miserable reminder of reality.”
The silence I got from Brody was surprising this time.
He sighed and sat down across from me. “Desmond, you have to stop blaming yourself for your mom’s death. You were just a boy back then, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent that outcome or my accident. Those incidents have nothing to do with Ava and you today. Don’t let her go.”
“I can’t go through what I did with Mom again. I can’t love Ava while living with a constant risk of losing you.”
“Youcanface the thing that scares you, Des. Youcankeep the people you love safe without having to be around me all the time.”
“Not all the time. What if there’s this one time when I can’t protect you?”
“Even if there was this one time, years and years later, when you couldn’t intervene, Des, you’d at least have decades of a life well spent with Ava to look back on. Like my dad and mom. Isn’t that worth the risk?”
I remained silent. I imagined a life ten years from now—heck, twenty years from now—with Ava. It hadn’t seemed possible before, but Brody thinking about it forced me to think about it.
“Desmond, I’m your brother, and I love you, man. But I have to say it to your face. You’re an asshole. And if you let Ava leave without so much as sticking up for her, you’re going to be the same asshole your dad was. The man who never stuck by your mom when she needed him the most.”
It felt like a punch in the gut. But a punch in the gut that I sorely needed.
I sat down on the couch, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. “What the heck do you mean?”
“You’ve been so scared after losing your mom that in the process, you’ve become the weak man your dad was. You left Ava when you promised her a relationship. I used to look up to you when I was a kid, but this, the way you treated Ava? I’m disappointed in my big brother.”
“I’m not scared. I’m just …”
“What?” he challenged.
I thought long and hard. “I am scared,” I admitted finally. “Of losing you. My family. Even if I apologized a million times and hoped that Ava would forgive me, I am still scared that I’ll lose you.”
I hadn’t wanted to lose Ava. I wanted her with me when I talked to Brody and visited my uncle in his memory care retirement center. I wanted her with me when I met with my friends. I wanted her next to me when I got ready for work in the morning. But I’d pushed her away.
I had Brody with me, but this was worse. Being in love with Ava and being apart from her was so much worse.
She’d go home every night to that dilapidated apartment with a door that looked like it would break down at any moment. She wouldn’t fix it until it was well and truly broken down. I needed to find someone who could fix it. I needed to fix it myself. I didn’t trust anyone else to do things right when it came to her.
I turned to Brody. I was itching to run out that door. Last night, I’d imagined Ava cooking dinner for herself on that one-burner stove, the one that took painfully long to heat food. She would’ve been standing for an hour on her feet again, after having stayed on her feet all day at work, when she ought to be resting.
My chest tightened.
