Kole and I stood at an open window in the hall just outside the room where Fraser’s body lay as it grew cold on the floor, on full display before the Lysians.
Was that the destiny of my family’s bloodline? To die bloody and by execution? Both of my parents had perished in such gruesome ways. It seemed only right that I would eventually meet the same fate.
The thought only made me feel numb.
I threw up out the window, thankful that no one stood directly beneath it. There was no way a Lysian’s keen nose would miss the pungent smell of vomit. But I did not care for anyone else’s discomfort. Not when I felt so horribly empty.
“You going to be okay?” my personal prison guard asked while standing next to me. Concern flashed across his face.
“Fine,” I grumbled, righting myself. I didn’t want the pity of a Lysian or anyone.
Kole frowned, as if not believing me.
Slowly, we walked down the halls. My legs were unsteady beneath me, as if on the verge of buckling. When we arrived, Koleremained in the small sitting room while I went to my fancy prison cell. As soon as I entered, an awfully claustrophobic sensation pressed up against me, despite the generous size of the room. Feeling trapped, both physically and mentally, my breathing turned quick and shallow. Again, I went to the balcony door and opened it. A breeze instantly surrounded me, cooling my clammy skin. I drew in a deep breath, my panic slowed, and muscles loosened. Gradually, I lowered myself, taking a seat on the floor outside. The stone was cool and soothing against my skin.
An odd numbness enveloped me. The feeling was so pungent that it pushed out everything else, leaving a deep emptiness. In that moment, if the entire world ceased to exist, I don’t think I would have cared. My core hollowed out and left a shell of the person I was.
My mother’s murderer had been slain. It was a moment I dreamt of nearly my entire life. Typically, they were my favorite dreams, and acknowledging that made me feel as though I truly was my father’s daughter. What kind of twisted soul replayed someone’s imagined last breaths over and over, as if it were their favorite lullaby?
I tried not to. I tried to think of other things. Yet time and time again I soundly fell asleep to the imagined end of Fraser’s life.
Was I a monster for my lack of guilt?
I heard others say that revenge was destructive. Was that because it destroyed the person seeking it more so than the one paying the price of their sins? I gave Fraser to the Lysians, and I did not lift a finger to help him. Instead, I wished for his ending to come true more than anything else in the world. I think I even wished for it more than for my own freedom.
Tears streaked down my face, and I hadn’t the slightest clue as to why they were even there. Was I crying for the man whom I led to his death? Were they for my mother? Or was I crying because I felt sorry for myself and the position I found myself in? Perhapsthey were a joyful release for obtaining something I had long desired. The worst and most troubling was that I did not know. Tears fell from my eyes, and I did not understand the reasoning for their presence.
It disturbed me.
I always knew myself, known who I was. Yet, in that dark moment, I did not.
Somehow, I lost myself without even realizing it. I couldn’t even pinpoint when it happened.
Movement caught my attention, and I was fairly certain that I saw Erik run into the woods in a blur. After that, there was very little going on outside my balcony besides the occasional bird flying by.
Time appeared to drag by while energy leached from me as if trying to fill a boundless pit that endlessly demanded more. I was drained, unable to move from where I sat. My legs grew numb and still, and I couldn’t put in the effort to get up. I didn’t want to even bother with trying.
Nausea remained, threatening to worsen if I left the freedom of the night in favor of the room with a comfortable bed. Eventually, I lay back on the stone ground of the balcony and stared at the stars above.
It was not a simple thing to focus on my breathing and the night sky when all I wanted to do was think of my mother, the Bavadrin people, and Fraser. My muscles tensed and then relaxed, moving from toe to head. I focused on that sensation, what I physically felt. Eventually my body calmed, the nausea nearly vanishing. Still, I doubted I could get any rest.
A door in the distance gently opened and shut.
“How is she?” Erik asked in the other room, his voice low.
“Her heart no longer sounds like a vibrating drum, and she hasn’t thrown up in a while,” Kole informed his King.
Erik released a sigh. He entered my room and slowly made hisway to the balcony. The only reason I even heard him was because he wanted me to know he approached and probably didn’t want to startle me. I wondered how much effort it required for him to actually make sound when he moved.
My gaze shifted from the dark sky to Erik’s face as it came into view.
“How are you?” he asked, his tone gentle.
“I’ll be fine,” I replied, turning my attention to the stars once more.
A moment passed when neither of us moved or spoke. I thought he might have left, but instead, he lowered himself to the ground beside me and gazed into the darkness above. He stared at the stars for a while before turning to me.
“If there was a way for me to spare you from what happened, I would have.” His voice was barely above a whisper. There was a warmth there, a departure from the usual threat that emanated from him.
