Leaning back against the couch, he sighed as he continued to watch her wear a line in the cement.“I won’t apologize for kissing you,” he stated confidently.Nate was all about the consent, and if she’d protested or pushed him away seconds ago or any of the other times he’d come at her, he would have backed off, but she had been just as into it as he was.
Lottie huffed as she shook her head, her hands on her hips.“I’m not asking you to, though it would be nice to get a little warning next time.”She ran her finger across her bottom lip and plumped up her curls.As she retook her seat next to him, her eyes were fixed on his in a hard stare that softened the longer she looked at him.“What are you doing to me, Nathan?”
Her voice was brittle, barely more than a whisper, and it crushed his soul a little to hear that tone in her voice.“What do you mean?”Nate could sense where she was coming from, but he was too afraid to voice his suspicions.
Lottie moved closer to him, though she kept enough distance that their bodies weren’t touching.“I mean, what are you doing to me?”With a trembling hand, she reached over and cupped his jaw, her thumb running over the thick hair of his beard.“You pull me close and then push me away.We’ve been stuck in the same push-and-pull pattern since high school and I can’t...”She turned away from him, but not before he saw the glassy sheen in her eyes.“I can’t do it anymore.”
Nate reached over and turned her back to him, catching a stray tear that fell with his thumb.“I’m so sorry, Charlotte.”His forehead hit hers and he let the feel of her skin against his give him the strength to admit his wrongdoings.“I’ve fought my feelings for a long time, and in doing that, I’ve hurt you in the process, more times than I can probably count.I know that words aren’t enough to make up for that, but I’m hoping you’ll let me show you that you can trust me.”
Lottie sniffed lightly.“Trust you with what?”
Nate wanted her to trust him with everything, but first and foremost, he wanted her to believe that he could love her without getting scared again.Sliding his hand from her cheek, he brought it down to rest over her heart.“With this.”
Lottie inhaled sharply.“I want to so badly.”She placed her hand on top of his and held it firmly to her body.“But I don’t know if I can.You seem different, but how do I know you won’t panic again?Or that I’ll be strong enough to handle it if you do?”
Nate sighed at her question.It was fair, and even though the panic hadn’t come for him today, there was no way to ensure that it wouldn’t ever make another appearance unless he faced the fear head on.Unfortunately, that required Lottie to take a pretty big leap of faith along with him.“I can’t promise I won’t, only that I love you too much to let it keep me away for good this time.”
Lottie shuddered an exhale as she reached her free hand up to grip the back of his neck.“You love me?”It had been far easier to admit than Nate thought it would be, and once again, he was kicking himself for not having had the courage to admit it sooner.
Nate chuckled humorlessly.“Charlotte, I have always loved you.At first I was just too stupid to see it for what it was and then too worried about other things to let myself feel it fully.”He held her face in his hand as he continued to feel the strong beating of her heart under his other palm.“Now that I have, I don’t think I can go back.”
Lottie gazed up at him pleadingly.“You think or you know?”Nate wished he could give her more concrete answers, but the simple fact was while she might be psychic, he felt like a babe lost in the woods.He had no way to predict whether he would find his way or not.
Nate shrugged helplessly.“Only time will tell on that one.”He looked into her beautiful face, memorizing every detail in case she decided that she wasn’t willing to deal with that uncertainty.“Is that something you can give me?”
Lottie looked to the side, before facing him again with a shaky smile on her face.“I haven’t said no to you before, so why start now?”
Nate chuckled and pulled her into his side, holding her closely as he rested his head against hers.“You did never say no, but you always made me work pretty hard for the yes.”They bickered constantly over everything in high school, but ultimately Lottie always caved.It had bothered Nate sometimes, her seeming to give up so easily, but upon closer examination, often she’d found a way to argue her point and make it something he wanted as well, so the end result had always been a sort of compromise anyway.She was pretty brilliant in that way.
“I can’t make things too easy for you,” she said with a smile.Reaching back out to the table, Lottie grabbed the bottle of cider and lifted it to her lips.“Should we actually plan for this public forum?I know it’s over a week away, but it will be here sooner than we think.”
Nate smiled and pulled her back against him.“In a minute.I just want to hold you a little while longer.”
Lottie nodded and leaned back into him, her body slotting against his perfectly just as it always had.As they gazed up at the night sky, silently basking in the glow of the town lights and listening to each other breathe, Nate hoped that the panic he’d always felt with her was gone for good.What he had at that moment, what they could have in the future, was too important to let slip away again because once it was gone, he had a strong feeling that he wouldn’t get another chance to get it back.
Chapter Twelve
