“I dunno. You sounded alright in our late night singsong.”
He laughs, his awesome smile at full beam.
“I’m hardly rock god material. Or TV star material for that matter. I’d make a shit vampire if I was in Heath’s shoes.”
At Josh’s words the theme song ofNighttime Whisperscomes into my head. It pangs bad.
I look back out of the window, wondering if our Heathy baby is out there. I know the direction of his place, far in the distance. I wonder if he’s home right now. It would be so easy to get a cab over and knock at his door. But my heart toughens up at that thought. The Agency rules are there for a reason. I don’t want to jeopardise them. Not for Heath, and not for us, either.
Damn it. I’m churning, stewing, driving myself mad withwhat ifs.
“Ells, listen to me,” Josh says. “We can talk things through for the next three days straight if that’s what you want, I’ll always be here to listen, but your values and wants and needs and fears all belong to you. You need to be true to you. Not to me. Not to my logic or reason or experience. Toyou.”
Something about that sentiment feels alien. Putting me first, as me. Ella. Without giving first place away to my notions of what Ishould dofor the sake of other people.
I’d lay down my life for Josh, or my parents, or Heath. I’d walk through fire to keep Tiff and Eb safe. But I’m someone Ineed to be willing to walk through fire for, too. I have to be Ella. For me.
And I need to be proud of it.
Fuck it. The onion layers go far deeper than I ever gave credit to.
I snuggle against my boyfriend, thankful for the sanctity of his love. He isn’t out to control me, or influence me, or manipulate me into doing his bidding. Not even when the subject directly concerns him. I wrap an arm around his strong shoulders and whisperI love you, banishing all other thoughts from my mind.
“I love you too, baby. For ever and always,” he says.
It’s a quiet few days for us on the proposals front, but my mind is churning away in the background. I have video calls with my parents, who always gush with relief whenever they see the smile back on my face. Josh and I meet up with Tiff and cackle over a bottle of Prosecco while she moans about Christmas tunes coming so early.
“They should set up a compensation fund,” she says. “I want a quid for every single time I have to listen to Mariah. I’d make more in a month than on a fucking proposal.”
I wish I could tell her about Vinnie, and Heath, and everything we’ve got going on behind the scenes, but I don’t do it. I don’t break the confidentiality, even though it stinks. I could scream from the rooftops about how amazing my night with a rockstar was, and how loved up both me and Josh are about heartthrob Heath, and I’d love her input as to what she thinksback to normalwould look like for us going forward.
Christmas is coming, and all I want for Christmas is… Josh and Heath. Together. With me.
There is another thing I keep behind the scenes from Tiffany, too. Another piece of news that came from the sidelines, unexpected.
Josh’s sister, Carly, is pregnant.
She revealed the news to us last night over dinner, and she was so happy. So crazy happy that it made me cry.
Josh is going to be an uncle, and I’m going to be kind of an aunt. And who knows what that kind of baby exposure will lead to?
Will I want to be a mum myself, and watch Josh blossom into being a dad?
One day, yeah, for sure. Me and Josh, for ever. But what about Heath? What about clients?
What if, what if, what if?
My mind cycles so fast, I even try out Josh’s meditation cushion to get some clear thoughts, but it makes no odds. I’m still a mash of emotions with no release valve.
By the time the morning of the proposal comes around, I legit have jittery fingers, I’m such a fidget. I eat breakfast with Josh and try to play it down, but he clocks it in a heartbeat. He takes my hand and stills my shakes as he passes me the tomato ketchup for my bacon sandwich.
“It’s gonna be ok,” he tells me. “Whatever happens tonight, baby, it’ll be ok. Heath isn’t going away, no matter whatnormallooks like. Any kind of normal for us has him in it.”
It always will. That’s what I want him to add. But he doesn’t.
There have been more pictures of Heath online with the real-life Polly Anna in the show, with speculation they are more than coworkers outside of it. I’m pretty sure it’s click bait bullshit, but I can’t help but wonder how I’d feel if it wasn’t. If Heath settled down, in love with someone else and waved goodbye to being a client for good. I wonder how Josh would feel. How it would wrack his insides with loss whenever he thought back to the love we shared.
Yet more what fucking ifs to be stewing over.
