I turn to my boyfriend, running my fingers through his freshly washed hair.
“We need to work out thisreturn to normalstuff before we see him. If we aren’t clear on what we want, then how can he be?”
Josh shifts at my words, sitting upright.
“What doesreturn to normalmean to you, Ells?”
“I don’t know.” I feel myself doing the lip thing again. “I guess I thought I did. Just carrying on like we were, proposals fenced off, having the time of our lives when we were with him, and keeping him shielded from it when we weren’t. But is that what we really want? Any of us?”
Josh’s eyes dig into mine.
“Is it whatyoureally want?”
I pause, picturing the beloved Heath as my heart pangs.
“Urgh, it’s so hard. Just imagine he was here with us now, yeah? It could be like it was in Cannes anywhere. It would be like that right here, in Belgravia. The location doesn’t matter shit, it would still be the same. It would still be amazing.”
“Yeah, it would be.”
“So, isn’t that morenormalthan the proposals we had before? Isn’t the new stuff more normal than the old? The months apart were terrible. More of that doesn’t even bear thinking about.”
Josh doesn’t speak. He stares out of the window along with me, both of us sitting in silence as our minds ponder.
“I’d love Heath here with us now,” he says finally. “I think all three of us would. But Heath is still a client. He’s User 1543, a regular on The Agency booking system. He pays us for proposals, just like everyone else, and it started that way because he wanted it that way.” He sighs. “The lines can get blurred so easily. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees.”
“The lines are already blurred, and the woods are packed with so many trees I can’t even think straight. The lines were blurred the very moment we got on that plane for Cannes.”
I lean my head against Josh’s. I let out a groan.
He traces his fingers in patterns around my knee.
“The lines were blurred way before that for me, but Heath is an introvert. His career is very important to him. So is his elusive reputation. A man of mystery.”
“Not important enough that he didn’t want to see us when things were turning to shit. He was so fucked off with us for keeping him out.”
“So fucked off withme. You had nothing to do with it.”
“That isn’t anormalclient. He will never be anormalclient.” I turn to my boyfriend. “What if normal is meant to be more than that? Would Heath be so ashamed of being associated with the pair of us that he wouldn’t be able to cope? I’m not so sure he’s as elusive as you think. Not when it comes to us.”
Josh smiles, raising his eyebrows.
“Vinnie’s got into your head, well and truly. Heath is a very different character. He’s not about shock rock and parading like a hot freak onstage. He works on a TV show and lives like a recluse outside of it.”
“I know.”
“We need to keep him safe, Ells. We need to keep us safe, too. Our careers safe. His career safe. There is so much at stake and so much to lose.”
Josh’s walls are up high, and I adore how protective he is, even though I know he’s feeling the same pull formoreas I am. But what if those walls came down hard, for all three of us? What if there was a whole new life waiting on the other side?
“There goes the lip thing again,” Josh says, tapping my bottom lip playfully. “Listen up. When we last saw Heathy baby, we agreed we wouldallthink about things. Your answer doesn’t need to be the same as mine. Your reasoning doesn’t have to match up.”
“We’re partners, though,” I say. “It’s a united front.”
“We’ll always be a united front on the road together. Whether we agree on specific factors or not, it makes no odds.” He plants a gentle kiss on my lips. “Stop putting other people before yourself all the time. Stop doubting your own beliefs and sacrificing your truth to live up to other people’s ideals. You’re far too beautiful a soul to clip your own wings.”
I smile. “You sound like Vinnie now. Poetic and philosophical.”
“Ha. Not with a microphone in my hand, I wouldn’t.”
