Iwas leaving, and Levi was worried aboutHound? I could sure see where his priorities were. “This isn’t about him; it’s about me. I can’t live like this anymore. Locked up in a fire station with a bunch of bikers… what kind of life is that?”
“A bit melodramatic don’t you think? Not like you come off your high horse to interact with any of those bikers. These guys put their necks on the line for you, and you probably wouldn’t even be able to pick one out of a lineup. And locked up?” He snorted. “That’s a laugh. You have the goddamn key to your door! You’re no fuckin’ Rapunzel, Meals. Nobody’s forcing your ass to stay. You want to go put yourself back in danger like some suicidal idiot, you have my blessing.”
“Good.”
“Great,” he fired back. “Now tell me what’s going on with Hound.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Too damn bad. You promised you wouldn’t fuck with him. Even called him a friend. You’re damn well gonna talk about it. What happened?”
I couldn’t answer, because I was still trying to figure that out. Toby talked about our childhood like it was some sort of mystical paradise full of unicorns and rainbows. My memories were very different, but I’d been all too willing to play along, hoping to replace my recollection with his.
No such luck.
“Who the fuck are you, Amelia?”
Victim.
Slut.
Closed off bitch.
I didn’t like any of the words that defined me, so I recreated my identity as necessary. Why did Hound have to see through my masks? Why did he demand more than I was able to give? He’d been honest and interested, he’d taken care of me and made sure I wasn’t lonely or hungry. He’d been the friend I needed, and despite my promise, I’d severely fucked things up between us.
Destroyer.
Struggling under the weight of this new adjective for myself, I wobbled over to collapse on the bed as guilt choked me. It tapped into my jugular and spread through my veins like a toxin.
Sex was supposed to be a transaction, agreed upon ahead of time without any messy feelings to muck shit up. It should have been a simple itch we both scratched. Despite my best efforts to contain them, emotions had somehow leaked into this thing between us, turning it into a raging river we were both thrashing wildly in.
I needed to swim away from him before we took each other down.
“Meals?” Levi asked, reminding me he was still on the phone and waiting for an answer.
“Maybe it’s better for everyone if I don’t make friends,” I admitted.
“That’s a fuckin’ copout if I’ve ever heard one.”
He didn’t understand how much damage I could do. How much I had done. All Hound wanted was for me to be real with him, and I couldn’t even do that. I’d lashed out at him instead. Levi was right, Hound had been through enough already, and he didn’t need me making his life worse. “Or my contribution to society.”
Levi snorted. “That’s bullshit, Meals, and you know it. Yeah, you got issues; I get it. We all have issues. Go see a shrink and get some goddamn help like an adult.” His tone softened. “Look, we never… talked about it, but I know what… what they did to girls at the compound, and—”
Closing my eyes, I tried to block out his words. Not again. Not now. Why did this shit have to keep coming up? The heavy oak door of the reverend’s chambers waited behind my eyelids. I trembled as the door swung inward.
Snapping my eyes open, I shouted, “I don’t want to talk about it!” I couldn’t. I just needed it to go away. I needed to forget again.
“And it’s all about what you want, isn’t it? Fuck what anybody else wants.”
“Are you done?” Pushing myself off the bed, I unzipped my suitcase and opened the drawer to start filling it.
“I love you, Meals, but I can’t let you fuck with one of my brothers. Don’t come to the office tomorrow. Just stay away from Hound until you leave. He doesn’t need this shit, and I don’t want you to be the reason he falls off the wagon and loses everything all over again.”
I wanted to argue, but didn’t want to see Hound fail either. Besides, I didn’t think I could face my former friend again. Not after seeing that hurt look in his eyes and knowing I was responsible. “All right,” I conceded, hoping Levi’d give it a rest and end the conversation.
“I’ll miss you,” he said, sounding as open and honest as I’d ever heard him.
Stunned by his admission, I fought back tears. “You’ll miss arguing with me.”
