I shrugged off his concern. “I didn’t lose much. My parents were… complicated.” I couldn’t even begin to unravel that shitshow. “I have two older sisters and a younger brother, and we were never very close.”
My mind wandered back to a conversation with my oldest sister, Mary. It was the night of my thirteenth birthday, and she was leading me down the hallway of the reverend’s private chambers, toward a door I’d only ever heard rumors about. Those rumors froze my feet to the floor, making Mary practically drag me along.
“You’re doing God’s will,” she said matter-of-factly. “It’ll hurt, but the pain fades and you’ll be blessed for your obedience.” As she opened the door, her condescending smile churned my stomach. “Don’t be a baby, Amelia. Make Mother and Father proud.”
My first time in the reverend’s bed was brutal. He smelled of sour wine and decay, and every time he touched me, I wanted to vomit. Through the pain and the stink, all I could think about was making my family proud. They always said to mind the reverend. I knew better than to talk back or resist. Bad things happened to those who did. I held my tongue as he forced himself between my legs and ripped me apart from the inside out. When he finished with me, blood coated my thighs and I could barely walk. He dismissed me with a disgusted wave of his hand, and I slid my dress back on over my head and limped out the door feeling like old flavorless gum he’d chewed up and spit in the trash.
I felt dirty. Used. Wrong.
Mary met me outside of the reverend’s room with a smug smile. “See? You’re not so special. We’re all the same. We all have to do our duty.”
Tears leaked from my eyes as my insides dissolved, leaving me with a hollow feeling in my spirit. “Did you… Did he do that to you?”
Her jaw ticked. “We’re not allowed to talk about what happens in the reverend’s chambers with anyone. That’s between you, the reverend, and God. The reverend will find out if you wag your jaw, so keep your trap shut.”
“But he…” More tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried to put the experience into words.
Mary rolled her eyes. “The reverend takes care of us and helps us get into heaven. It’s a small price to pay. Don’t be such a baby, Amelia.” She marched off, without waiting to see if I’d follow.
“Where did you go just now?” Hound asked, bringing me back to the present.
Startled, I shook my head, trying to free myself from the helplessness brought on by the memory. “Go?”
“Yeah. You looked light years away.”
When Billy freed me from the compound, I locked up my memories of the reverend’s chambers. For years, I’d successfully repressed them. I’d almost convinced myself none of it was real, that nothing had happened, and I’d made it all up. But now, everything came flooding back in vivid detail, and I couldn’t deny the truth. The pain. The betrayal I felt from my sister, from my parents. The reverend had raped me. Multiple times. I could still feel the hot, sticky touch of his meaty palms. I could hear the slap of his flabby stomach against my back and smell sour wine and decay on his breath.
Years had passed, but the memories still managed to rip out my insides. Broken, bleeding, gutted, I stood before him, trying to stanch the flow. Hound watched me expectantly, wanting more. Couldn’t he see what giving up even the smallest detail had cost me?
This is why I don’t open up. Ever.
“I’m… I just remembered something I need to do. Are you okay now?”
Disappointment flooded his eyes, making me feel even more inadequate. Like a complete failure. Normal people could share more than a physical connection, but I was far from normal. I hadn’t meant to lead him on, but I couldn’t do this with him. Couldn’t do it with anyone. I felt my walls slam back into place in a desperate attempt to shield myself from his hurt. And from mine. If I couldn’t even handle my own pain, I had no business trying to shoulder his.
“My back feels better. Thanks for the massage.”
Unable to even look at him, I fled, hurrying toward my room like my ass was on fire. Like some unwelcome catalyst, Hound had made me feel and remember shit I needed to keep locked down. Memories kept battering the back of my mind, and now that they’d been released, I was having one hell of a hard time repressing them again.
I needed to get back home, back on track and away from this place, then I’d be fine. I could go back to life as usual and put this all behind me. I poured myself a double shot of tequila and tossed it back, both loving and hating the way it burned. Refilling my cup, I collapsed on the loveseat and thumbed through the contacts on my phone. Finding the number I was looking for, I hit the call button.
“Detective Monte,” he answered, his tone clipped but professional.
“Hello, Detective Monte. It’s Amelia Davis. I’m calling to check in. Have you found Rishi and Polly’s murderer yet?”
“We’re still investigating. I told you I’d call if I found anything.” He sounded frustrated, but not necessarily with me. Probably with the situation and his lack of information.
“What about leads?” I was desperate for a lifeline. Any port in the storm would do. I just needed one little glimmer of hope that I’d eventually be able to get out of Seattle and away from Hound, Levi, and everyone else who kept fucking with my emotions. I needed to get back to the controlled life I’d so carefully crafted for myself. Back behind the walls that could protect me from my past. “Do you have any leads at all?”
“We keep running into dead ends. I’ll let you know if that changes.” He didn’t sound hopeful.
My case didn’t feel like a priority. I needed it to be and wasn’t too proud to play on the good detective’s pity. “But school starts at the end of next month. I’d like to come back and get my classroom ready for all the children counting on me. Will I be in danger? Will my students be in danger?”
“I can’t answer that, Ms. Davis.”
I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw my phone and watch it shatter into millions of satisfying pieces. I wanted to find this goddamn killer so I could hop on the next flight to Ottawa and go home. But since I couldn’t do any of that, I thanked the detective for his time and hung up.
Needing to do something more, I scrolled through my contacts again, landing on Toby’s number. I hadn’t talked to him since Hound and I ran into him at the coffee shop. Levi said Toby was clean, but I still had my doubts. His appearance had been far too convenient. Something had to be up. Maybe if I got close to him, he’d drop a hint or slip up. Maybe I could crack this case myself since nobody else seemed to be able to. Determined to try something other than sitting on my ass and waiting on the guys to take care of my problem, I dialed my old friend’s number.
