She didn’t want his kindness and respect. She wanted passion. Should she give this a chance? Should she take what he was offering? He’d said that friends turned into lovers and not the other way round, but could they do a full circle? Could lovers become friends and then friends become lovers once again, but with the depth, commitment and love of two people destined for one another?
He said things that came straight from the heart and she knew, deep inside, that what he said was only for her and nothing to do with the fact that she was pregnant. She was sure of it! She didn’t think that he even realised that. Maybe that was why she’d felt that powerful connection the very first time they’d really started talking to one another.
That was why his departure and the deceit she’d uncovered had been so devastating. It was also why she continued to be pulled towards him, yearning to go against what her head was telling her about lessons learnt.
The way he said that hadn’t been just a statement of fact. Yes, he’d explained why Christmas meant so little to him, but there had been something achingly poignant when he’d told her that this was his first taste of real Christmas spirit.
‘Sure you want to do the whole tree decorating thing with me and my dad?’ she asked softly, resting her small hand on his arm.
‘Why wouldn’t I?’
‘Because it’s really not necessary,’ she hedged awkwardly. ‘Also…’
‘Also?’
‘Also if you’re uncomfortable…’ She laughed hesitantly.
‘You’re very sensitive, aren’t you? Do you think I’m going to burst into tears in a moment of rare sentimentality?’
‘I’d love to see that. But really, Rocco, you must have had a lonely childhood.’
Primed to react according to instinct, to put barriers into place, Rocco found that he couldn’t because the usual safeguards weren’t there. For a few seconds, he felt as though he was freefalling, then he regained control sufficiently to smile at her with wry self-deprecation.
‘I coped, so don’t feel too sorry for me. Now, shall we get some coffee? Breakfast? I noticed a café by the desk over there. Have you eaten?’
‘I’m fine. There’s no need to fuss.’
‘I find it seems to come naturally with you being pregnant.’
‘You sound surprised by that.’
‘Who’d have thought?’ Rocco half-murmured to himself. ‘Okay, let’s get back. Snow looks like it’s beginning to get serious.We’ll get the tree sorted and when that’s done… I suppose we need to sit down and have a conversation about the details of our arrangement if marriage is not on the cards.’
As if she’d been doused by a bucket of cold water, Ella suddenly felt the sharp pang of fear at the prospect of not having this man in her life. Of seeing him disappear into the arms of some appropriate woman who would…what? Provide the sort of cold example of part-time surrogate motherhood that his own mother had, from the sounds of it? How did she feel about that? How did she feel about him no longer fussing around her or being in her life aside from slowly becoming a stranger whose only link would be the child they shared?
Did she want him moving on without her?
By the time they made it back, the tree was already at the house, and her father had positioned it in the usual place in the sitting room, by the front window. He bustled them out of the cold and hugged her and Ella hugged him back hard. Hugged him for the grief he had lovingly protected her from seeing when her mother had died, and for the hope and joy inside her because she knew that she was going to accept Rocco’s marriage proposal.
Rocco watched this show of love with mixed feelings. Who was this man standing here, torn because all his ingrained and deeply embedded principles felt shadowy and ineffectual as he witnessed their open affection for one another? He’d found some other side of himself when he’d started his affair with Ella and it was still there, illogically defying a lifetime of indoctrination that had pointed him down the rigid path he had always been expected to follow. The path he had willinglyacceptedwas the right one to follow.
He’d dropped all talk of marriage, but was discomforted when he thought about losing this link to someone he had grown to like, someone without the constraints that had ruled his life.
‘Here, help with these.’
Rocco shrugged off uncomfortable thoughts and found a bundle of lights in his hands. ‘What’s this?’
‘It’s an absolute pig’s ear of tangled Christmas tree lights! That’s what happens when you don’t pull them out for a year! Your job is to do your best to get them up and running. And don’t tell me you’ve never done anything like that in your life before. You can see it as one of the festive season’s little challenges!’
Rocco looked at the clear green eyes gazing at him with amusement and he smiled. The urge to touch her was overwhelming. The flare of panic he felt at her not accepting his marriage proposal was suddenly equally overwhelming.
‘Now, a good challenge is something I’ve never been able to resist.’
Her eyes lingered on him just a little bit longer than necessary and the pink that infused her cheeks kick-started a rush of physical desire, which was something he understood and could deal with. Easier than troublesome, introspective thoughts.
The air was sucked out of Ella as she gazed back at him, on some subconscious level tuning in to what he was feeling, which mirrored her own response—hot desire, a need to touch and be touched. Her breasts were suddenly heavier than normal, her nipples, darker and bigger in pregnancy, even more sensitive than they’d been.
Freed from the restraints of having to convince herself that Rocco was unsuitable for her, a liar who didn’t deserve much of a second chance, was her body now reacting to the freedom that had come with her change of heart? Her breathing slowed.
