“Okay,” she agreed eventually, trying not to cringe with shame. “Thank you.”
Hallie’s smile was radiant. “My pleasure.” She hopped off the bed. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“Oh, uh, right now?”
“Definitely. Then, we can have breakfast in peace and you can settle in.”
Audrey didn’t get the chance to say anything else as Hallie bolted from the room. She wasn’t entirely sure what to do with such eagerness.
She glanced at her phone on the bedside table, her chest clenching. Whatever was there wasn’t going to be good.
A message from River saying she’d secured Audrey’s belongings. And a lot of messages from her family, especially her mother. Her brother telling her she was being selfish. Her father telling her she was upsetting her mother and that was unacceptable.
But what about when her mother upset her? He’d never cared about that.
And her mom. A million questions about what she’d done to deserve such a daughter in voice and text. She really must have been annoyed if she was texting that much.
Audrey closed the messages. She’d go through them with her therapist but she couldn’t do that now.
She climbed out of bed, planning to slip to the bathroom before Hallie returned. However, the second she stepped out of the door, she was met by Tracy, heading downstairs from her room.
She smiled so widely, so sincerely that a little part of Audrey’s heart felt like it was breaking. How hard would it be for her family to look at her like that?
“How’d you sleep?” Tracy asked, like she really wanted to know the answer.
Audrey nodded, realizing just how well she had slept. Even with the bad dreams, that was a miracle. “Yeah, really well, actually. Thank you for having me.”
Tracy beamed. “Of course. We’re so happy you’re here. I wasn’t joking when I asked if you were busy for Christmas.”
Audrey laughed politely, trying to sweep the comment away. She wasn’t sure how else to handle it, but maybe Hallie had been right.
“Are you doing okay, honey?” Tracy asked, stepping a little closer.
“Yeah, just… dealing with my family. It’s… complicated, you know.”
Tracy studied her in a way that made her feel small. Not in a dangerous way like her own mother did but in a way she thought other people might experience with their mothers. That penetrating, knowing, comprehending way that felt like it came with paying attention to your kids. Audrey wasn’t sure she deserved to be on the receiving end.
Eventually, Tracy smiled sadly. “Love is a gift to be given freely. When you have children, you’re supposed to be ready to give it to them endlessly and without strings. My four have made some odd choices over the years, but I love them more than my own life. However, when your family is dysfunctional in the way yours seems to be, the only choice you’re given is to get on board with that dysfunction or you will always be the enemy. But you do not need to set yourself on fire trying to earn their love. It isn’t what you deserve, but they’re never going to give it freely and they’re always going to expect it from you—unwavering loyalty and love they haven’t earned or reciprocated.”
Audrey felt like she couldn’t breathe. “But… they're my family.”
“I know, honey. You got dealt a bad hand there, but you don’t have to keep holding those cards. If there’s one thing every parent should want for their child, it’s to choose a life that honors who they are and to live it to its fullest and happiest. And, if you have a family that doesn’t give you that, choose yourself. Walk away and know you’ll find another one. It might not look like you expected, but you will find the people who love you the right way.”
The hallway was spinning. It wasn’t like Audrey hadn’t heard that stuff before—variations of it, perhaps, but the same ideas—and yet it felt different hearing it from a mother who waslooking at her the way she’d given up thinking mothers would ever look at her.
And Tracy was right. Her whole family’s modus operandi was to participate or be ostracized. But not expelled. Stick around because of the optics, not because they loved her. Allow them to bully her because she was different. And they’d keep going, keep trying to grind her down, to make her give in to the dysfunction. She’d never wanted that.
Tracy held her hands out in question, asking if she could touch Audrey, and even that was something new. Her family didn’t care if she wanted them to touch her. They did what they wanted and she was expected to go along with it. But Tracy was like Hallie. She checked.
Audrey nodded, unable to trust her voice not to shake.
Tracy took Audrey’s face between her hands, making Audrey feel small and young and protected. “My daughter tells me you’ve spent your whole life being strong, standing up for yourself in the face of people who can’t or won’t appreciate that. Audrey, that’s amazing, but it’s not what you were brought into this world for. Existing is hard enough without having to fight your family for love and respect. You deserve to have it given freely and you deserve to love people without having to compromise yourself for them.”
Audrey nodded, a lump in her chest, her breath coming unsteadily. It felt so real and possible when Tracy was holding her face and saying it so simply.
She was glad Hallie had grown up with Tracy as her mom.
“Oh, honey,” Tracy said gently as tears escaped Audrey’s eyes.
