Shame shot through her and she hurriedly tried to wipe them away, but Tracy beat her to it and held out her arms, offering a hug.
Audrey wasn’t sure what it was about the Fullers, and perhaps it was just all the parts of Hallie she could sense in Tracy, but she nodded and allowed herself to be held.
She wasn’t small compared to Tracy, not by any stretch, but she felt tiny in that hug. After all these years, she finally felt like she was being hugged by a mother’s love. They didn’t even really know each other and it was coming so easily for Tracy. That should probably tell her everything she needed to know about her own family.
The only memories she had of being hugged by her parents in a similar way were ancient, and, at this point, she wasn’t even sure if they were real. Childhood imaginings, perhaps. The dreams of hugs she’d wanted to receive, of hugs she’d been told parents gave you. This was all those things and more. A mother holding her like the world could fall apart around her and everything would be okay, Tracy would keep her safe.
There was a creak at the end of the hall and Audrey automatically attempted to withdraw. Tracy, however, moved one hand to stroke the back of her head, holding her securely.
“Hey, honey,” she called, and Audrey knew it must be Hallie.
She was a little embarrassed at Hallie finding them this way, but not nearly as much as she would have been around her own family.
Eventually, Tracy pulled back and, even though Hallie hadn’t spoken to her yet, she clearly suspected what the two of them had been debating this morning. She smiled. “So, shall we all have some breakfast and then we can get out and do some shopping? I imagine you two need a couple of things.”
Audrey nodded. They all knew why, what she was referring to, but they didn’t need to say it. Not in the way her family avoided unpleasant things, just in the way that there was understanding, in the way that not saying it markeditas the unusual thing, the unpleasant thing, not Audrey.
Hallie smiled at her with so much patience and warmth, and Audrey didn’t feel remotely deserving, but she liked Hallie looking at her that way.
Tracy clapped her hands together, seeming to stifle a laugh, and Audrey couldn’t help but wonder if she was picking up on something between the two of them. She headed down the hallway, allowing them to follow her. As they hit the stairs, she said, “I washed and dried your pants.”
And that tiny gesture was almost enough to make Audrey cry. She had no idea if Tracyknewthe pants had felt contaminated, but it didn’t really matter. She’d seen damp, dirty pants and she’d just… washed and dried them, cared enough about a total stranger to do that. It was nice.
Chapter Nineteen
Audrey felt a little better after purchasing her own clothes, like she really could just do this. Stay with Hallie and her mom, refrain from going back to her own family. She’d have to come up with a good reason for her continued absence—and her continued ignorance of her phone—but, as Hallie pointed out, it would hardly be the biggest lie people told her family this week.
She didn’t like lying to them but it had, unfortunately, become part of their dynamic. Most of it wasn’t lying as such, just omitting details to protect herself. Plus, it wasn’t like she could go back in the state she’d been in, and she wasn’t going to make Hallie take her, knowing exactly what they were driving back to.
If she was honest with her family, that would be unacceptable. They’d pick her apart, try harder to destroy her. It would be subtle from some of them, extreme from others, and they’d never let it go. She’d be the obvious threat to their whole dynamic. Sure, she was something of a threat right now,but she’d long ago learned they couldn’t handle direct attacks on their way of functioning. She would be the sacrifice to keep them rest intact, and she wasn’t in a place to tolerate that. She’d been working on it with her therapist, trying to reach that place where what they thought didn’t matter, but she wasn’t there yet.
Still, being around Hallie, her mom, and her brothers was like proof that what her therapist had been telling her was real. Being around Zora’s family was lovely. They welcomed Audrey in, but it always felt like a favor they were doing her, like it wasn’t real. She trusted that Zora’s account of her family life was real, that they all loved and cared for each other, but they felt like the exception. Now, she was far away with people who had no reason or vested interest in liking her, in caring for her, but here they were, doing it all the same. They loved each other enough to love her too. And, of course, it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t real, deep love, but it was enough. They cared enough that Audrey knew she couldn’t go back and struggle through the next few days with a family who couldn’t muster as much care as five strangers were doing.
Maybe Hallie wasn’t a stranger at this point. And that probably was relevant. Audrey didn’t want to go back to her own home because she wanted these few days with Hallie. She wanted to be in her home state and enjoy it, to feel like part of her belonged there.
“Okay,” Tracy said cheerfully, as the three of them piled back into the car. “Now, we could go home, or… we could head over to a little Christmas market.”
Hallie leaned forward from the back seat. She’d insisted on sitting there and allowing Audrey to ride shotgun. “How are you feeling?”
Audrey looked down, a little embarrassed. She wasn’t used to people caring. “I’m good.”
“You’re sure?”
She looked at Hallie, feeling pulled in by her electric eyes. “I promise.”
“Great. So, Christmas market?”
Audrey nodded. “Christmas market.”
Tracy clapped her hands together and turned the car on. She didn't, however, say anything, and she’d been unobtrusively looking out of the window as Hallie had checked on Audrey.
Audrey couldn’t help feeling like Tracy knew Hallie was the reason she was sticking around.
That would have felt a lot more terrifying if it was her own mother.
As they started driving, Hallie didn’t settle back in her seat. She was strapped in, but she leaned forward, her hands either gripping Audrey’s seat or moving to hold her shoulders. It was nice, but Audrey wasn’t surprised at the knowing smile on Tracy’s face every time she glanced at the two of them.
Zora had always commented on how her mom just seemed to know things. Audrey had spent her whole life praying that her mother wouldn’t know things. She didn’t mind Tracy knowing.
