Ryan held perfectly still as the night before solidified, waiting for the inevitable feeling of guilt or shame when he remembered he'd kissed another woman. Held her as they slept.
But the pang in his gut never came. Instead, he was filled with a soft warmth. It seemed to spread from his middle, dissolving through him until it reached his toes and fingertips.
Aelin was still asleep beside him, her body a delicate curve. His heart stuttered as he slowly shifted to get a better look at her. Her hair fell in soft waves over her shoulder and fanned out on the pillow. Her lips were slightly parted, her eyelashes resting against her cheek.
Her fingertips shared her pulse, beating slow and steady against his ribs. He counted the freckles along her temple. The way her ear lobe dipped.
Ryan hadn't slept next to a woman since Kara. Since the night before their entire world flipped upside down. He'd heldAmaya, of course, but that was different. This—this was something he'd thought he'd never experience again.
The grief he'd managed to wrap up and hide for so long crashed over him like a tidal wave. He'd lost Kara. He'd lost the future they'd planned together. And in the years since, he'd lost a piece of himself. He'd buried his desires, his needs, his hope for companionship because it was easier than facing the void Kara had left behind.
Ryan closed his eyes, his hand still resting on Aelin's hip. It was almost laughable that he'd convinced himself he was fine. That his life was full, that he didn't need anyone else. His eyes burned, his gut and his heart at complete odds.
He couldn't abandon her.
He couldn't live without this.
With a resolute breath, he pulled his hand away and slowly slipped free of Aelin's limbs. He checked the clock. It was only seven thirty, but he doubted the girls would sleep in with light streaming through the windows in the loft.
He lifted his upper body from the mattress, then stood and reached for his shirt, pulling it over his head.
He padded into the washroom and relieved himself, then washed his hands, splashed his face with water, and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
Besides a few beach toys strewn on the ground, there was no evidence of the storm the night before. The lake was pristine, the sunshine bright and golden. Ryan opened a cupboard and reached for a mixing bowl. He measured out two cups of pancake mix, then added milk, eggs, and melted butter, the liquids pooling in the centre of the bowl. The batter thickened as he whisked. When he was satisfied with the consistency, he poured a dollop of oil into the cast-iron skillet and set it on the stovetop.
He mixed in blueberries with a spoon, and when the oil was hot, dropped three dollops of batter into the pan. It sizzled. Hewatched as bubbles formed on the surface of the pancakes, the batter puffing up and drying at the edges.
With a flick of his wrist, he flipped the pancakes, the edges curling slightly as they landed back in the pan.
Voices murmured overhead, followed by the rustling of sheets. He couldn't quite make out what Bailey and Amaya were saying, but it didn't take long for their feet to start thumping on the stairs.
"Morning." He looked up and smiled, only realizing then that there were no blankets or a pillow on the couch. Hopefully they wouldn't connect the dots and wonder where he'd slept for the night.
"You made pancakes?" Amaya ran up and leaned over the counter
Ryan grabbed a plate and lifted the pancakes from the pan. "Perfect timing." He set the plate in front of her, then turned and pulled syrup from the fridge. Amaya and Bailey grabbed plates and forks, then took a pancake from the pile and settled in at the table.
Aelin appeared next to the fridge, her hair mussed and her cheeks rosy from sleep. Ryan's blood heated as he looked up and met her eyes. She blinked, her eyes slow and dreamy as the corner of her mouth lifted. "Good morning."
"Morning." His voice was gravelly, and he cleared it.
"Sleep well?" She asked, her voice light as she walked past him, her hand brushing his hip. She was a tease.
Ryan's eyes sharpened as she pulled a plate from the shelf. "Probably the best sleep I've had in years."
She let out a soft breath. "The lake does that to you. Doesn't it, Bailes?"
Bailey nodded. "I sleep so well here."
Aelin raised an eyebrow. "Looks like you're not alone."
They finished breakfast and changed into swimsuits. Everything felt easier. They walked down to the dock, found their lifejackets from the day before, and within fifteen minutes, were out on the lake, zipping across the water.
Mariah and Leo weren't with them that morning. They decided to switch off days and go with their friends later that afternoon, so it was just the grandparents and their little combined family.
Seeing the four of them on the boat together punctuated everything he'd been feeling since last night.Looks like you aren't alone.The words pulsed through him like a heartbeat. Without even realizing it, he'd imagined his life for the next thirty years. Drawn in permanent ink. It was him and Amaya, and when Amaya was gone, it was just him.
After last night, it was as if someone had grabbed a bucket of soapy water and a brush and started to scrub.
