“Of course I was ready. I knew the moment I saw you again, I was likely going to defile you.”
He smiled, but there was something else in his expression too, some sort of discomfort. I kissed around his navel to set him at ease, making my way down his happy trail, following the path to the fly of his pants, then unbuttoning them. As soon as I did, I felt his entire body quaking, much like it had before, though steadier.
Leaning back, I gazed at him.
His eyes were on the ceiling as he took deep breaths, as though readying himself for a physician’s exam rather than to have sex with me.
“Keeg, everything okay?”
He glanced at me, gulping. “I’m kind of nervous.”
Once again, in that almost magical way Keegan had, he was able to go from charming confidence to ever-adorable uneasiness in an instant. It brought forth a protective impulse within me, made me clench my fists and lean forward in bed, as if taking on some external villain, even though I knew very well that didn’t particularly fit the situation at hand.
“What is it you’re nervous about?” I tried to reflect back on our conversations, anything he might have said that could indicate he would be uneasy. “Is it something I’m doing wrong?”
“No, no. Nothing you’re doing wrong.” He pressed his lips together and sat up.
It was clear something was weighing on his mind.
“Keeg, please talk to me. I don’t want to rush into anything we’re going to regret.”
“God, this is embarrassing as fuck.”
“This isn’t your first time, I assume?”
After everything we’d done together, and how he certainly knew how to manage a cock, I doubted that could have been the case, but not recalling him having specifically mentioned it, I wanted to be sure.
He laughed. “No, not my first. But…”
I waited patiently, allowing him to take his time. We’d talked enough for me to know that Keegan would bring up whatever was on his mind in due course.
“So when I hook up with guys, I’m used to bj’s or handjobs. I’ve only had anal once, and it wasn’t the best.”
The way he said it didn’t just sound like he was disappointed, but almost like he was sad or hurt, which didn’t make my defensive, protective instinct subside any quicker. Despite the questions flooding my mind that I wanted to interrogate him with to uncover the truth, I stayed silent, forcing myself to, figuring he would tell me when he was ready.
“Sorry I’m being so cryptic about it. When I started college, there was this guy I was kind of interested in. We met on Grindr and chatted on there, and then we met up in the library at school, went to the café a few times, and we messed around a little bit, did a bunch of different things. When we were at his place, we would rub on each other.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like lying on each other and rubbing—frottage.”
“Yes. I used to do that with girls I was seeing before we went further.”
“This guy, Brad, I figured he would be someone I could try that with. I didn’t have a lot of feelings for him, but I didn’t feel much for any of the guys I was blowing or whatever. Thought I could get it out of the way, so he came over one night. We had dinner, watched a movie, and we started doing the usual when I said I wanted to try doing something more. Needless to say, it was quick and didn’t feel very good. I didn’t really say anything to him because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, but it sort of hurt. I assumed maybe that’s what it was supposed to feel like, but now that I’ve talked to other people about it, I know that’s not the case.”
Keegan hurt? This asshole Brad hurt my Keeg.
I couldn’t get past those thoughts, but I stilled my rage, figuring that wasn’t likely to help soothe him much. “Keegan, that sounds like a horrible way to have your first time.”
He still wore that disappointed expression on his face, like he was reflecting on the negative experience.
“Like I said, he’s a good guy,” Keeg went on.
“Maybe he should have been a little more considerate.” I couldn’t help myself. My fists clenched, and there was a part of me that just wanted to hunt down the guy who’d hurt him.
“Brad couldn’t have known. If I’d said something, he would have stopped. I was just worried I’d make him feel bad.”
I took a breath, steadying this primal protective impulse within me. “I’m very glad you brought it up. I think I would have rather known that beforehand, and I hope you’d say something to me if that ever happened with us.”
