“Then maybe I need to stop distracting you from your work so that we can get to that sooner rather than later.”
“Could use the distraction right this second. And the company.”
Despite the playfulness in my tone, there was desperation there too, as though I were shouting at him,Don’t go.
He turned back to my laptop, looking at the case I’d opened just before he stepped in. “You sure about me looking at this? I don’t think Kyle would agree I should be looking at anything without proper clearance.”
I could tell by the way he said it that he was still thinking about the conversation we’d all had over breakfast.
“Fortunately, Kyle doesn’t get to make all the calls around here. And I trust you more than anyone at the bureau right now. As you can imagine, whenever we have a case come up, there are certain people we have to make alliances with. And that definitely applies here.”
“This isn’t any of my business, and you don’t have to answer, but you and Kyle, did you guys ever…”
“We’ve messed around in the past, but there was never anything outside of sex there.”
I could tell by his tension that he was jealous…or uneasy about the fact that Kyle and I had a physical past.
Or maybe he thought it had been more than that?
“Ty,” I said, nervous to say anything else but feeling like he deserved to be set at ease, “if you knew what I felt with you, you would know that nothing I’ve ever had with another person could hold a candle to it. I haven’t lived the sort of life where I’ve carelessly thrown my emotions around to one person after another, Kyle included.”
He smiled, but like something was still bothering him. “I don’t know whether to be flattered or concerned.”
“A little bit of both maybe? How does that make you feel?”
“Jealous, if I’m being honest. But then stupid because I don’t think I have a right to feel that way.”
I slid my hand over his, interlocking our fingers.
“That night when I introduced you to Joey, I was jealous. So fucking jealous. I wanted you all to myself, but I thought it was the best thing to walk away. On the way back to my place, all I could think about was how much fun you would have with him…getting lost in the experience. All the physical stuff would be fine with me, but the real kicker…the moment that terrified me…was the moment where you were having so much fun with him that I completely disappeared from your thoughts. That suddenly I was no one to you again.”
“I think I’d require a lobotomy to get you out of my mind,” he said, and not like he was trying to flatter me. He shook his head before looking back at my laptop screen. “So what are you looking at?”
“Suspects. Spencer’s and Jamie’s injuries were consistent with each other’s—beaten, choked, stabbed. The lacerations on their backs suggest whipping, and internal violations suggest penetration by perhaps knives. They were tortured and dismembered, so we’re checking their wounds against some of our previous encounters, to see if there are any matches with any of the crime circuits we’ve dealt with before.”
“But if you had a hit on someone in your past and got rid of them, how would you know who the killer is?”
“Some of these guys were with larger organizations or gangs that have typical MOs. We’re looking to rule those out first. Mick is running reports to see if we can find similarities on that front. Then we can narrow it down further.”
“And if you can’t?”
“Then we keep looking for some pattern. There’s always a pattern, always a clue, whether someone intends to leave one or not. Always a trail. It’s why I was so paranoid when we first came out here. Every time someone comes here, there’s more of a chance someone can be led to us. It’s just a matter of someone discovering breadcrumbs. Everyone leaves breadcrumbs.”
“If this happened so long ago, why now? Why would this killer suddenly be doing this?”
“They’ve likely been hunting us for some time, and somehow, they found the names. Maybe one of our guys sold the names in exchange for money or some other perk. Whatever the reason, the mole is just as much of an issue as the killer. Although, I doubt we’ll be able to find the mole until we track down whoever is responsible for Spencer and Jamie’s deaths, which could be just about anyone. A lot of people we pissed off over the years, a lot of people who could potentially be coming after us.”
“Did you want to talk more about Spencer with me?”
“What?”
“Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about that kind of stuff. When Jesse has an issue, I usually grab a pizza and let him chat about shit. He does the same for me. It helps to vent. It’s okay if you aren’t ready, though.”
It was such a thoughtful remark for him to make, and hard to toss aside when it was something I needed. Maybe something he’d sensed I needed.
“I spent a lot of nights in Ira’s house. The doors weren’t locked. I wasn’t chained up, but there were things he said about me and the world, that at the time I thought were true. That he was protecting me. Keeping me safe. That I was special and only he could see it. I believed him, and in a way, that’s how he really kept me chained there. He did that with all his boys, all of us far too young to be in a place like that. I didn’t realize how much of a prisoner I was until I met Spencer and he showed me what it really meant to be free…and cared for.
“He advocated for me at a time when I needed someone to believe in me. Of course, you can imagine how excited one of the world’s most secretive organizations was about some cheap, kinky prostitute coming into their ranks, but Spencer banked in loyalty. He had the most solid moral compass of any man I ever knew, which I’ve learned in this dark world is so fucking hard to find.
