“Nope.”
“Jesse…”
I can hear his concern, and I turn to him in the doorway, smiling. “Because I wanted you to do it forme.”
“Sneakyfuck.”
Eric drives his rental, leading us out of the parking deck. As we reach the automated gate, he says, “Since Ty’s not coming, perhaps we could make a different stoptoday.”
“A different stop?” I eye him curiously, and something about the sneaky expression across his face makes me suspicious. “You considering a familiarbeach?”
“Now don’t ruin a good surprise.” He glares at me. It’s a seductive glare, the sort he’s so good at, with this sly smile across his face. Maybe because he remembers that day as vividly as Ido.
Those memories, oh, they’re etched into my mindforever…
How I tried to fight our chemistry, tried to be good, but I couldn’t help myself when Eric made me want to be so bad. I recall the way we kissed in the water, the way he worked his fingers around my hole. God, I had never needed something so much in my entire life. Never been so consumed by pure, relentless desire. I didn’t know passion…real passion…until I metEric.
As we head along the route I vaguely recall from that first time, I can’t stop grinning, even though I’m working to keep a straight face. His own grin’s maybe even a little bigger than my own. “You seem particularly pleased about this,” hesays.
“More than pleased. This whole trip is nice…andstrange.”
“That’s what I’ve been feeling too.” His smilediminishes.
“I wasn’t trying to ruin themoment.”
“You didn’t ruin it. You haven’t ever ruined anything, Jesse.” I can tell he’s talking about so much more than this conversation. “I never could have fathomed that what began as something I thought was no more than lust…would transform into what we share. I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling this much for anotherperson.”
“I get what youmean.”
“Not sure you can ever understand what it’s like to loveyou.”
I see the intensity in his expression as he glances at me for a moment, still navigating us toward the hikingspot.
“If it’s half as much as I love you, then I must be a really luckyman.”
He’s quiet, but I don’t doubt his words as his face transforms, offering a look of affection I’ve come to see on him often. I know his love for me is even more than he’s suggesting. Truly, I am as lucky as I’ve always known myself to be withhim.
When we reach a place near the hiking spot, we park. Eric and I lather each other up with sunscreen before beginning our journey along that same path to the beach where it all went down. The conversation becomes more casual as we chat about TV shows and podcasts, making jokes, the way we do on a typical day…sharing a few kisses even, more than a few, at times. As we come upon the beach, despite the playfulness we’ve shared throughout the journey, we embrace the silence together. It’s as though each of us is reminiscing about the beautiful moment when we succumbed to our desire—when we allowed those seeds of passion to take root, burrow within our bodies, and transform our verysouls.
We take off our shoes and start across the sandy beach, heading toward the shore where the water rushes in, foam building across the sand and sweeping over our feet. The sun beats down against us, hot against my flesh. It was hot that day, but so much hotter when we swam out into thewater.
I steal Eric’s hand, swaying it between us as we walk. Unlike that day, I don’t have anything to hide anymore. I can flaunt what we share, enjoy it for everything itis.
“I like not having to lock ourselves away from Ty the way we did in the beginning,” Iconfess.
“It’s nice being able to do this without that awkwardness. Not that we’re totally without any of that. I guess we’ve seen that even in spending time with him here. Like with Julio andMartin.”
“I sometimes wonder if it’ll ever goaway.”
He stops, and I do the same as he turns toward me. “Should it go away, though? I think we should always feel a little weird about everything that’s happened. You’d have to be inhuman notto.”
He looks down and kicks at the sand. He fidgets, his fingers against mine, as though he’s nervous for somereason.
“Is something wrong?” Iask.
He searches around like he’s taking in the scenery. “It’s a perfect moment, isn’t it?” He turns and looks out at the waterfront. “It was right out there, wasn’t it? A year ago, when we swam out and finally couldn’t take it anymore. I remember the day so vividly. Pushing when I shouldn’t have pushed. Telling myself I wasn’t crossing the line when I clearly was. How bad I needed it. I never wanted anything so much in my goddamn life. I’d never been one to cave to lust the way I did thatday.”
“That seems like a whole other life away,” I add. “Like a stupid kid could’ve made betterchoices.”
